Have I spoken too boldly or not enough?

I wonder, if I shout how I feel from a mountain top, would it reach you?
Would it travel along the valleys & ridges to whisper in your ear?

No, I'm not fooling myself.

I know I'm not fooling myself because sometimes the obvious truth hurts.
I just can't help wishing it was different.

Other than that little bit of self loathing I just did there, I'm super happy.
Work's still good.
Twizzlers rock.
Starbucks Vanilla Doubleshots are love.

Although I don't like having my phone calls seemingly ignored.
But that's a whole other issue.

I love 60 degree weather with rain.

It's so lovely. My mother and I went for a walk and it started raining and we got drenched.

My favorite thing ever is walking in the rain. I love love love it. The feeling of the drops against my skin. I just adore it. I don't care if that makes me crazy. It makes me happy.

My mother and I discussed men and how none of them that come into my life seem to make any sense.

I told her I need to buy that movie, "Someone Like You" because the part where Ashley Judd's character explains that if her theory on men is not correct, then men do not leave all women, they leave her.

Then she starts crying. And then I start crying too.

Anyway, I told her about that. Loudly. I ranted.

She pointed out that she doesn't understand any of these men who have popped into my life. She pointed out that I am always there for them and we always seem to have undeniable chemistry. Also, I'm always willing to go the distance (sometimes literally) for them.

And I don't regret any of that. It's my nature... but it would be nice to have that sort of thing returned. Someone who will bend backwards and go the distance for me. Someone who will understand and listen to me when I'm ranting and raving and pissed off.

Someone who is unafraid of the ugly side of life but also appreciates the beauty.


NEW TOPIC:
I want to buy felt so I can make a cute bag.
I miss her :-(
I want her to come home so we can be together all Christmas break because I love her.

Next Christmas, I do hereby swear to make 90% of my gifts.

I want to learn to make a quilt.
I will make cookies.
I will create some process to make fun prints and art pieces.

I will start creating things now so I don't run out of time.
Besides, I have all this fantastic free time on my hands now.
Maybe I'll have time to seriously consider creating an Etsy shop!

Ooooooh.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them. (Mother Theresa)

I want something bigger than myself.
I also want Conor Oberst's latest CD.

Hello Christmas forces.

I decorated the tree with Allison today.
That was cool.

The Cowboys must be screwing up... everyone is cheering in my living room.
Yep... They're probably gonna lose this one to the Steelers.
This is probably why I don't watch football with the family. They're kind of annoying. (By kind of I mean REALLY. I cannot hear myself think and they are in an entirely different room.)

Anyway... Finals are tweaking me out. I hope to be done with all but one exam and my painting final by tomorrow night.

This means I have to take two finals tomorrow after I get off of work.
Squee?

It's almost done. That's the good news.

I'm itchy.
It's only 7:30.

It's soon over.

Here.

There are a few people in life that I miss.
Lately, I miss them all a lot.

But on with my post...

The semester is almost over.
I have survived a 15 credit course load while working part-time.
I have to admit though, I do not feel that I learned much.
I've kind of BS'ed my way through the classes sometimes. (Most times.)
The fact that I could do so with such "ease" makes me feel that I must be intelligent, but the fact that I BS'ed so much has made me feel a bit terrible about myself.

You see, I take learning very seriously. I like coming out smarter than when I went in. Or at least more informed. Sadly, I don't feel that way about 5/5ths of my classes. I just didn't have the time or energy to devote my attention fully to any of them. I guess it was just too much.

I'm one of those people who like to fully submerse myself in a subject when I'm learning about it. I'm very one tracked with the strange ability to multi-task. It's a strange combination.

Anyway, I am taking an indefinite break from classes (and I will never go to school full-time again in my life).

In this time off, I would like to:
- read the stacks of books that I own but have not read.
- work on painting how *I* want to paint.
- take more photographs.
- sleep.
- learn everything I can about art history (particularly modern art) and share some of that knowledge with you (my very few readers).

Ah, December 12th is the day of liberation.

Secret?

I would love nothing more than to melt into you again.
And again.
And again.



It's Saturday today.
I think I get to watch movies.
I hope I get to run to Bath and Body Works (gotta get my Meemaw a Christmas present).
But first, I get to work.

PS: Starbucks drinks and how you can do some good. Order (Starbucks)red drinks!

Call me.

I would like to think that one day you will look back and wonder as you smile.
"What if?"

When you do this, call me.
I'll let you in on the fact that I knew it was more than lust from the start.

If.

If you had looked like all the rest.
If you had thought like all the rest.
If you had been like all the rest.

I wouldn't be stuck on repeat.
I never would have cared.



Happy turkey day.

Introspection on the drive home.

Something that I could do without regarding the holidays is this thing it does to my head.
You know, it forces me to re-examine where I am in life, what I want and where I feel I want to go.

Usually, I try to lie to myself... convince myself that I am happy and just fine.
Blah blah.

The truth is, everyone around me is paired.
It forces me to recognize that I want that too.

Of course, this is not new.
But I'm not talking about a date... or something frivolous.

I really want that kind of "I would gladly dive into the unknown with you" kind of love.
The kind that makes you courageous.
You know the type -- where you're willing to go the distance just to hold their hand as they fall asleep.

Where one smile is enough to turn a rotten day around.

It's just so frustrating because it's impossible to find it here.
I don't really have a life that makes me mingle with available men.
Even at school, most were taken, stupid, gay or heinously ugly. (Or a combination of the three.)

Also, my area marries young. Most people my age are either in a very committed relationship, engaged or married. Some even have a house and children.

I don't need that.

I mean, I'd like to get married. But more importantly, I want someone who is going to be around through the thick and thin of life. I don't run away when things get scary or weird. I need that kind of loyalty and respect from someone else.

And I don't need a ring to know that I have that. I'll know simply through their sticking around when I have the flu or staying up all night with me when I cannot sleep because there's a terrible tragedy in my life or sticking around to talk it out when we have a huge fight. It's emotional security. I want it so bad.

I think I'm at a point where I can do this for someone else. I already do it for my friends... I am only more fiercely loyal to a significant other. (I think it's my Scorpio coming out of me or my Ox-like nature, according to Chinese astrology.)

I wish you wrote that for me.

I haven't written here in a few days. I assure you, I am still alive and kicking.

I'm frustrated and crazy, but still kicking.
I simply have very little to say.

The big little bit.

I don't know what to say.
Ever.

I don't know if it's because I hold my thoughts inside.
Or if it's just because my life is dull.

Maybe it's a bit of both.

Sharing my thoughts is too scary though sometimes.
And other times I feel like you should already know.

Maybe you do.

There's really not much I keep inside.
It's just a big little bit.
And I try to avoid it.

The Universe makes it hard.
Everything reminds me of you. [Isn't that a lousy cliche.]
It's always the same thing that bubbles inside me.
A crazy mix of love, lust, passion, fear, loss, mourning and hope.
It makes my heart twist.

It's why I hope for love.
It's why I fear I understand the "Better to have loved and lost..." quote.
It's why I feel hopeless sometimes... because I cannot, no matter how hard I try, keep my feet firmly in the reality of what is.

I don't want to.
I want it all.
But I want it all with you, most days. [I lie. Everyday. I want it everyday.]

I suppose this is a case where what you want and what you need are different.
But they feel the same.

Clouds.

Love, please laugh.
And smile (for real). <3

On a different note.

I need to do a final project for my painting class.
I need to dig down and do some artistic therapy.

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse.
I need to purge.
I need to be ok.

I will be ok.
Please don't take my posting from a few minutes ago as an "I give up."
It's really more of an "I'm so facking frustrated."
I throw my hands up because I know why I'm frustrated.

I'm not so naive.
I'm not so stupid.
I think far too much to be ignorant of my own thoughts.

I just don't think I can type them all out here.
I don't have an outlet.
So, I will make my art my outlet.
And then I will post that.

It will strip me emotionally raw.
And I think it's ok that way.

I don't know what to write about.

The only thing in my life that makes me feel ok right now is my job and the people I work with.

Right now, I feel drained.
I know I'm lucky. Sometimes I don't feel that way though.

I have to remind myself.
Because a lot of people do not have the support and love I have from a select few of my friends and my family.
My family really is fantastic, even though they do drive me up a wall sometimes.

Today, I just feel... lonely and frustrated with that loneliness.
And I am terribly bored. And terribly pessimistic with the thought of relationships.
I, honestly, am starting to feel that I'll never be married.
I don't even feel optimistic about finding someone who will be with me, in a secure commitment kind of way.

I don't need to be married... I just don't want to go through life without that kind of love. The possibility worries and depresses me.

It's frustrating because those who do not want to make any commitments seem to have so many options of who to be with that night.
And I go to bed alone.

Sometimes I don't know.

There are a few people who I'm sure have or had a reason for popping up in my life.
Then there are some that I'm not sure why I know them.

But I feel there must be a reason.

I mean, surely a universe would not thrust someone/something upon me just to see me squirm. There must be reason. Otherwise I have to change from "agnostic" to "atheist" and I'm just not ready for that.

That opens up a door of pointless relationships and lost causes.
I think sometimes I'd rather fool myself into believing that everyone and everything has purpose.

I guess the inquisition continues.
I'll just try to love everyone I know to the best of my ability.

That's all the universe can ask of me right now.
And I'm running low on that currently.

I need to recharge.

The morning after.

I'm sure some of the people reading this may feel like they slept with the ugly duckling at the bar and have many regrets this morning. I, personally, am not one of those.

I am ecstatic that Obama won. And idealist, intellectual, optimistic man has won the presidency.
Now, I just hope he makes real changes, like he's promised.

But, for those who may feel the political hangover.
Or feel the need to move out of the country* (which if you're looking for a "less liberal" country that isn't repressed, let me know where you find it)...

Here's a reminder.
The United States cannot pass budgets or tax plans or new programs through the president alone. Congress needs to approve. There are checks and balances.

Not to mention, I feel that Obama is open minded enough that he will listen to people who challenge him and take their thoughts into consideration. He appears, to me, that he genuinely wants to bring people together.

He's not a socialist. He has an idealist core. He wants to help those who need help. He feels that sharing is part of the American ideal. (Personally, I feel the same way. Sometimes we need to help those around us to maintain our own well being.)

That being said, the system itself needs a bit of an overhaul to get it back to a point where only those who need the help are getting it. We should not reward laziness. That should never be the point of "handouts." That's a whole different political posting, however.

Here's to the hope that this can, at least, change some of the ugliness that surfaced during the election regarding "funny names" and race. Here's to a more open minded nation and one that is open to healthy dialogue.

Here's to actually changing minds and giving a voice to those who felt they had none.
Let's try to make America awesome again.

PS: I will go back to my pointless rambling later today, I promise.

* I was only going to leave the country if Palin became president. If McCain had won and stayed healthy and alive, I would have remained in the country.

Happy Birthday to me.

So, my birthday was ok.
Worked from 8 to 5.
Had supper with my mom.

Insert a pissy part here.

And now I am super ok again.
Because I am trying to think positively and independently.
Trying. Key word. Heh.

My nose is running.

So I guess I better catch it.


I am so tired this morning.
Getting to bed at 11 and then waking up 6 hours later is not something I like to do.
I need 8 hours to function properly.

I'm wearing pantyhose.
Because I need to change into a dress for this evening and I need to do it quickly.
It gets rid of my fat rolls quite nicely.

It is godawful uncomfortable... and I dread having to pee.

I need to put my face on.
Well, first I need to wipe my nose... then I'll do the face thing.

My life is so dull right now.
God.

Tsunami.

I'm sleepy.
I'm an addict.

So now, I'm going to read.
My eyes are already tired though.

Oh, I'm getting glasses.
I'm near-sighted and I have astigmatism.
And I'll look smarter come November 6th or so.

;-)

Embracing. Embracing. Bracing.

I feel completely uncreative lately.
I feel this way because I have nothing to energize me.

I mean, life is ok. I love my job. I have some decent friends and I know I'm not 'alone.'
But I'm very single.

I don't even have options that can distract me from that fact right now.
I. Am. Single.

This has put a huge rubber stopper on my creative test tube and my Bunsen burner is out of gas.
I'm bored. Bad things happen when I get bored. Usually I end up making stupid emotional choices.

Ones that are so obvious after the fact, you know?

Anyway. I should just be ok with my singleness... but I kind of loathe it most days.
IT guy needs to come back and make me giddy for a few days.

I guess I'll look good tomorrow, just for the hell of it.

10.25.08

Christian right steps up attacks on Obama - Barack Obama News- msnbc.com

This is why I am agnostic.

Just for the record, I love Jesus...
I just don't think he'd hate gays, women who have made the difficult decision to abort or Barack Obama. I base this judgment on my gut instinct and the fact that Jesus didn't hate sinners.

Only greedy, holier-than-thou people were on the receiving end of his wrath.
Think about it.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

I wasn't thinking about work or babysitting.

As I drove home last night, I'm pretty sure my heart was beating a mantra.
"I want to go back. I want to go back."
I said, "I know you do."
And I turned up the radio to drown it out.

-----------------------------------------

WebCT's server is down... of course.
I wanted to take an exam this morning.

-----------------------------------------

I think I'm going to take football pictures tonight.
I'm not sure where though.

Yesterday.

As I paid my speeding ticket, all I could think of was... I need a cigarette.

Mind you, I'm not a smoker.
I've smoked a few in my life only during very stressful times.
(My self-destructive period, if you will.)

For some reason, yesterday, the urge was very strong.
(But, no, I did not stop and buy some.)

I drank a beer yesterday two hours after taking Tylenol.
I was afraid I did irreversible damage to my liver.
But my liver doesn't hurt, so I think I'm ok.

Someone want to throw a conflict at me for my NaNoWriMo?
I was going to base it on my own life until I realized my life is very boring.

I have to shower now and start highlighting Myer-Briggs information.

An idea for some NaNoWriMo characters.

Sophia:

And the lies? It was so easy to lie to him. I told him so many times I loved him, just to ignore him in his times of need, when he was longing for me. He’d never let anyone know his pain. He was a sufferer. Sometime I think he took pride in that.

He was beautiful though, I’ll give him that, and quite a lay. That was the only time where his obsessive drive to please me was not a turn off. Perhaps that’s why I left him hanging on so long. I’ll probably continue to interfere in his life for a while too. There’s something about the carnal way he pleases me – the way he wants to taste every square inch of me – I know that’s what keeps him coming back.

If only he could do it and not be in love with me.
It's so annoying.

10.21.08

character sketchiness

c.e.z.

I don't get to talk to you anymore.

Today was not as awesome as I hoped for. I recieved my first speeding ticket.

Also, currently, I am in a mood. One of those where I'm laying in my bed and I realize just how alone I will be when I get my own place. (But I still want to have my own place.)

I'm cold. I'm lonely. This too shall pass, but it's how I feel.
Some days it just bothers me more than other days.
That's all.

I wish I could just fall asleep, but my mind won't let me.
(Which is especially detrimental on theses lonely feeling nights.)

I have to work tomorrow.
I should call the district justice person guy as well.

I get my nails done tomorrow after work too.
I feel fiscally irresponsible right now.

10.19.08

I read some "I wrote this for you" posts.
They almost always make me think of the same person.
Especially the ones full of longing and the word "miss" because I do that a lot.

No matter how many times I write the words "a lot" I always write "alot" first and that is wrong.

I am up way too early today. I have to take an education exam.
Last night I summarized 3 articles for my Environmental class.
I wanted to do more. Perhaps I will get a chance Tuesday and Wednesday to actually get shit done.
Those are my first two days off from work.

While I will miss the extra cash, I am glad to have a day or two off because I feel like I am eyeball deep in schoolwork debt.

I'm going to give myself an hour to truly wake up and catch up on my newsy stuff before I take this exam. Afterwards, I might go for breakfast with my sister and give J a ring. Perhaps I will introduce myself to paintball today.

If he answers his phone, that is.

This afternoon, I have a date with a three year old and her mommy.
Then I'm going to try to talk my dad into driving to an AT&T store with me to... buy my iPhone (or at least a new phone).

I'm still kind of back and forth about whether I really NEED to be able to access the internet on my phone. It's extra money, after all. And I am poor and hoping that the position at the bank might open up to being full time.

Right now, all I want (after this semester is over) is to work full time, have some benefits and perhaps be able to afford my own place. I would love to have my own space where I can come and go as I please.

Not that I can't here... but if I bring someone home, well... that's awkward some times.

I leave you with this:

Super Oversized Sweatshirt, FTW.

God, I do love the cold weather than autumn brings. :-)

And McCain likes to talk about Obama's so-called dishonesty?

Ben Smith's Blog: Acorn pushes back, hugs McCain - Politico.com


Heh.
Awesome.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Oh, btw... Life doesn't actually suck right now.

I do apologize for all the negativity in my posts lately. I'm actually not miserable.
I'm actually further from misery than I have been in quite some time.

The good points:

Work:
I complain about it here and there, but I do love my job right now.
It's so much better than my summer job had been.
Thank you GOD! I'm not in a cubicle.

I just hope to never be robbed, ok.

The ladies I work with are fantastic. The office manager dude is awesome. Down to earth, awkward and funny. I love the people I work with. It's fantastic, what more can you ask for... other than a raise?

So, work is good. This is part of the reason I actually feel ok about life.
Can I just mention again that I am so happy I did NOT take the graphic design internship back in May? Sometimes you just have to trust your gut.

Anyway... Tomorrow, we open our office. We're thinking it might be a slow day, since everyone has seen people working on the outside of the building all last week. No one thinks we could possibly ACTUALLY open tomorrow. (But we are because we rock.)

I'm the only single gal in the office too. So all the ladies want to help me out in finding a man, haha.

School:
Well, this is not so much of a bright spot, but I am surviving, thus far.
It is a source of my insanity and oil paint is not my thing. In fact, I suck. I'm not sure that I'll ever not suck.
However, I do like watercolor, so -- yay.

Too bad I'm kind of stuck using oil, for the most stuff.

J:
Yeah, I know. It's weird. He has been fantastic. (I'm over using that word.)
Sometimes it's worth being awesomely patient and getting to know someone.

He's made me laugh so many times in the past month. We've had political arguments (we are on opposite ends of the McCain/Obama spectrum and he think Palin is "hot" *shudder*) and dumb discussions about sex. We've also addressed religion, spirituality, art and current events. We went hiking and had fun.

Basically, we are kind of awesome right now. I'm enjoying it, I think he is too.
I hope his is too.

So, all in all -- Life is good.

Sorry I've been so negative sounding lately. I've honestly been relatively happy. I've been using my posts as a way to vent my stress and I've ignored the happy parts of my life and there have been many. <3

This morning I feel sad.

I mean, at least it's not desperate.
I wish I could dream of something that would leave me waking up happy.

I have to work today.
I have a job at a bank and I have to work on Columbus Day.
Tomorrow, we open. Opening day. I hope I don't suck at life tomorrow.

Tonight I should probably paint. Or maybe I can on Wednesday.
I just don't know how hours are really going to go this week.

This is the most boring post ever.
I'm sorry.

Haha.

It's 9 o'clock on a .... Sunday?

Compassion fatigue - Wikipedia

Um, is it possible for me to have compassion fatigue simply from life.
Because sometimes I fear I just simply do not have the energy to care.

Of course, I always manage to summon up more.
I've never actually not cared.

That would be an interesting and refreshing change of pace, perhaps.


Anyway, I was interested to run across a possible diagnosis for my stress/stomachaches.

I'm tired.
It's only 9 pm.
And I work tomorrow at 8:30.

I want to buy my iPhone soon.
Does anyone know how much extra my data package is going to cost?
I thought I read $30.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Things.

Because all I can do is this. It's what I've always done, but I'm getting very tired of it.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Unrelated to above screen shot: This article is upsetting to me. Even though I know that racists are becoming less common, the fact that a formerly well respected politician (because I do not respect him so much right now) would stoop to these levels and allow his campaign to stoop even lower is ridiculous.

Also unrelated: I am seriously a little freaked that I cannot seem to think of a single thing to write for NaNoWriMo. I'm thinking I could loosely base it on my own life... but really, I'm not sure my life is interesting... it's just stupid.

Also unrelated: Kamikazes, the drinks, are delicious.

Because it's all anyone ever asks of me... to be a friend.

I kind of don't believe this one.
Well, not tonight anyway.
"Love is magic, but magic is sometimes an illusion." (I forget who said that off the top of my head.)


(I'm waiting for someone to grow a pair.)

Oh, I don't know how I'm going to make time for this.

Also, I have no idea what I'm going to write about.

However. I'm going to try. I will probably fail, but... Ah well.

October 6, 2008 @ 9:14 PM EST

I think McCain-Palin are turning the campaign into a gossip column rather than a serious discussion of political issues.

Because bullies do that sort of thing when they are scared.
Because bullies are actually intellectually weak.

Politics tire me, can I just vote already?

Apparently the Republican party, more specifically Palin and McCain, are trying to tie Obama to Bill Ayers and to the bombings that Ayers is linked to that occurred... in the 70s.

Did that sentence make sense? Anyway, yeah.
Obama was a child when the bombing happened.

I believe I talked about this before.
Anyway, Barack Obama and Bill Ayers met in the 90s.
They worked together on a non-profit educational organization's board.
This organization dispersed funds to Chicago area schools.

They also served together on a board of an anti-poverty organization.

Oh, and Obama has publicly denounced any bombings that occurred in the 70s by the group Ayers was associated with.



Personally, I feel it's pathetic that McCain-Palin feels it is necessary to criticize Obama's work with legitimate, non-profit organizations.

I thought about you all day.

I probably shouldn't have.

My brain doesn't listen to reason.
This "a softer world" comic -- still how I feel.


Jason Mraz was stalking me today.
His music played everywhere.

I'm so glad that Ghost Hunters exists.

So awesome. I love it.
Because for this hour... I can be sucked in by the existence of ghosts and think of nothing else.

Heaven.

It's been a few days.

I'm sorry.

I've been very busy and life has not been interesting the past few days.
I work, I come home, I do homework, I sleep.
Sometimes I get to see someone's face. Justin's mostly.

I need to see my Megan sometime soon.
I miss her.

I'm a little late, but this is what I'm watching this morning.

The presidential debate.
I heard McCain won... but I'll probably think differently because, well, McCain can never win in my mind.

But, I should watch it and keep an open mind. *deep breath*

Ugh.

Life can be very sucky sometimes.

I'm going to try to sleep now.

Please remember. Sometimes beauty is discovered through ugliness.

Something beautiful.

Are you there God, It's me... Christina.

Please, stop sending me boys.
I would like a man.
Or at least a dude.
Or the dude.

Something other than a boy.
Something other than a man-child.

Ok, thanks.



In other news... I had a good time tonight out with friends.
It was very nice. Once again, I am happy I didn't listen to everyone else when it came to J.
He's pretty cool now, after all. ;-)


Good night, dear reader (because I think I have all of one, haha).

My first day.

It kind of felt like the first day of school.
I didn't do much of anything. I observed.

Tomorrow I have to actually start DOING things.
So I'm even more nervous now.

I hope my drawer balances at the end of the day.
I hope I can remember how to do things.
I hope people like me. :-P


Now, I am watching Ghosthunters.
I love that show.
I have to wake up early again today.
I have to be at work by 8:30. Showered and looking purdy.

Oh, and after work, I will go directly to a Health exam.
And I have to read half a chapter for Environmental Science and half a chapter for Psychology.
Then I have to do discussion boards.

I should have put more paint on my oil painting... I hope I can at least get a C in that class.

I think I've caught up on life now.
I want to see that new Dane Cook movie.

A fear that has plagued me since I discovered I hated the thought of a Graphic Design career.

I just read the first chapter of my Foundations of Education textbook.
Am I cut out to be a teacher? Or will this be just another failed attempt?
Another degree that will gather dust?

You see, I have a problem.
I have not discovered my "passion."
All I actually know is that I feel best when I'm helping others feel good... when I'm helping others succeed.

I also know that I love love love the written word.
And I love love love the visual world.

This brings me to the possibility of two things.
Art Education (which really would play nicely into my adoration of all things art history).
English (Secondary Education).

Getting an English degree would be easier and more convenient than Art Education, but art has grabbed me. I love the creativity of others. I admire it for them.

But there's also so much creativity in English.
Writing is its own art form.
(Arabs had it right when they created their calligraphy. Words should be pretty.)


Then again, how am I to know if teaching is right for me. Maybe it would drain me. Maybe I would hate the kids. (I mean, I know I want to work with HS students because at least I can swear at them if they're bratty! Haha.)

I don't know if I'm wasting my time and I don't know if I have the energy or the money to keep going. I am so exhausted. I have no idea how people can work full time and go to school full time!
(Kudos to you, Kristi!)

I'm just so afraid that I'm wasting my time.
I might take next semester off, just to let all this thinking sink in throughly.
But first, I have to get through this semester successfully.

Which means I have to stop typing, for now, and go do a discussion board question.
And watch a teaching video.

I am grounded, I am humble, I am one with everything ("I like giants," Kimya Dawson)

Tonight, as I was walking, I realized I was smiling.
Maybe it was the shooting star I saw (they always make me smile).
Or maybe something just... clicked.

I stood up for myself.
I stood up for someone else.
I stood up.

And I've been doing it.
I think it's a good thing.

Tonight I realized I regained my control.

And I hope this feeling lasts.

Today, I get to go to the Apple store.

This excites me, although... I can't really buy anything.
'Cause I'm poor. 'Cause I'm between jobs.
'Cause I spent too much money on alcohol and I've been using my credit card too much.

*sigh*

But it's gonna be pretty fun anyway.

Still, I want a new nano.
The colors are delicious.
The price makes me cry.

Each "heartbreak" gets easier.

I don't know why straight forward honesty is so much to ask for.
Everything I have to get over... it is doable.
I can get over it.

The fact of the matter is... this one was almost expected, after the way last week went.
Whatever.

The heartbreak before this... that was the beast.
I still think of that one. Often.
I don't want to forget it.
I would have rather got hurt than not experienced that one at all.

Beauty in the Breakdown? That one had it. Still does.

It's not drunken honesty after you sober up.
It's just honesty. That's what I've got.

I can't stand that there is another girl who has may have been drug into a hole, Mr. Latest.
Maybe it's not a big deal, maybe she climbed right out or maybe she even just accepted the hole as much as I've accepted the latest decision made.

Still, it's not you who holds the power to hurt me most.
I apparently did not hand that power over to you, Mr. Latest.

I have to go to bed. I have a full weekend ahead of me.
Maybe I'll even get MORE homework done.


PS: Georgie -- Specifics are at my Vox. (Just to give you a heads up.)

Love and all things like it.

No one, not even the smartest people, actually KNOW what they are doing when it comes to love.

I don't know if that's the ugly or the beauty of it.

Two honest people can fall for each other at the wrong time and in the wrong situations.
Words can create such a bond, even when lacking actual physical touch.
And physical touch can be the most painful and most comforting thing at the same time.

How can love be so full of obvious contradictions?
It hurts and heals.
It bends sometimes. Other times, it breaks.
It can bring you up and down.

It is a roller coaster ride. A most thrilling one.
That's why people seek it.

I just read a lot of emotional purging tonight amongst my friends.
(Online and off.)

I'm in the midst of some of my own confusion regarding love and things like it.

It is contradictions, all the way through.
And I see the ugly and the beauty.
And it's captivating, either way.

Dreams.

I had some crazy dreams last night.
But I don't remember any of them.

I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall back asleep.

I've decided that I want to see "Ghost Town."
And I'm in love with hulu.com.

I saw on the late night news that the Obama campaign has received threatening letters and they've included racial slurs. It makes me so angry that people are still stuck in the days where skin color means anything more than a differing level of melanin. It's ridiculous that racism is still a part of daily life for non-whites. (Whites, by the way, will soon be the minority in America.)

I don't have too much to talk about this morning. Maybe I'll have something later today.
I still need to read a chapter for my Environmental class. Maybe I'll even get to post on the discussion boards for my classes.

The search for honesty.

In the past, I never told people how I felt about them. Whether it was good or bad. This, it turns out, is a horrible idea. If leads to a lot of "What ifs?"

My best friend from HS, he was the first to "break my heart." We grew apart after he got a very serious girlfriend at the end of senior year. We've survived other girlfriends before this... I'm not sure what was so special about this one.

Back to the story at hand -- he ignored me for a long period of time. When she went back to where she came from (she was an exchange student), he started to hang out with me again. I was hurt, I told him not to do that to me again. But inevitably, on her return, he repeated history. Today, I hardly ever see him. And it is so weird that he used to know all my secrets and now knows none of them.

I vowed, after I got my heart broken for the first time that I wouldn't hold my feelings inside.

With my first venture into love, I did not take my own advice and often kept things bottled up until they were unbearable and I sounded like a crazy person when I brought them up.

The whole long-distance thing was a little different. I shared a lot more than I usually would. I shared enough to make me uncomfortable. I still did not share everything though and I regret that. Maybe our quasi-whateveritwas would have ended sooner. Maybe later. I'm not going to speculate.

All I know is, I wish I had said more. Now there are words that shall remain unspoken because there is not a legitimate reason to speak them.

I think that's why I've been relatively uncensored lately. I hope I continue to get the opportunity to remain relatively uncensored.

I don't think I can write about my current situation. I don't know if I should be hopeful or not. Uncertainty kills me.

Here's the thing with me: Tell me exactly what you feel and if it's not what I want to hear, I will find a way to get over it and reshape my thoughts.

Yes, I might be sad for a while. I might even cry. That's all part of the process.
I've gotten over people before. Many times.

I'm usually the girl who is passed over as girlfriend material. It's what I get for not being a pushy girl. I want a guy to want me because I am awesome, because I didn't push him into anything, because I am nice... but I also demand total honesty from everyone I know.

Don't lie. Never lie. False hope is lame.
Lies hurt far worse than truths. (And for longer too.)
And don't ever hold back.

I have decided that I will post something here everyday*

I need to do something like this.
A more public outflow of my thoughts.

It feels nice to purge myself of some thoughts on occasion.

And I like to think that people might understand what goes on behind my eyes.
These are the thoughts that silence produces.



(* I'm not going to be anal retentive. If I miss a day or two, no biggie. I don't want to post too much fluff.)

Something that could be said.

This blog... is fantastic.
It says a lot of the things I wish I could say out loud.

Ah, you know what... Let's dive into this subject of jealousy for a moment.

I have a little time this morning, I'll take myself on a journey through my head.

I am not a jealous person, per se.
I have jealous tendencies. Especially when I see something/someone encroaching on something I want.

This is no excuse and I fight on a pretty regular basis not to be this way. Last night made me feel the worst I've felt in quite a while. And it's all on me. I should not let myself feel like I am inferior to someone in any way, because I am not. Jealousy only belittles me, it is an ugly emotion and I truly hate it.

I don't think I used to be this way. I think, in a way, the past year or so has brought out some of my insecurities that I used to be so good at hiding. I used to have so many walls. (So many, it was hard to get into my mind and under my skin.) Then, I met a particular boy and my walls came down.

He then broke my heart in a most dishonest fashion, and I've dealt with it. (It helps that the boy finally came around and we could talk about these things.) Misdeeds have been forgiven because I am also a fairly forgiving person.

Then, I met someone online. YES, yes. I know, I know... It wasn't something I intended to happen because it sounds like a crazy story to me as well. That doesn't change the fact that over the course of approximately 8 months, I fell for him. I met him and it was the most fantastic couple days of my life. It still is. It was exciting and I felt adored and it was just plain fun. The good feelings continued for about a month... and then I got my heart broken again.

It was no one's 'fault.' Circumstances were not on our side. I had a lot of hope for that one though. I was even thinking about crazy things like moving a crazy distance away from my family. Actually, it wasn't crazy, I really liked this long-distance guy. I saw potential, but it was a difficult situation.

I've let go of that as well. We're still friends, long-distance guy and I. I can't imagine not being friends with him. I had some pretty deep feelings for him, to say the least. I realize we cannot be together, so I tried to focus my energy inward again. I tried to build walls around me.

Apparently my walls are not so thick and they have become easy to break down.
I like feeling. I like being somewhat emotional. I dislike rationality.

I guess a side effect of this is -- jealousy. It basically is a lack of rationality regarding a situation. This brings us back full circle to the topic at hand.

Why am I a jealous person? I know I am fantastic. I am smart. I am relatively attractive. I am emotionally strong (most times). I can kick back and relax and I go with the flow. I am in touch with my feelings (hence this outpouring right here that I fear the appropriate people will not read anyway). There is no reason for me to be insecure with myself.

Oh, and another interesting tidbit about it?
It has absolutely nothing to do with trusting the other person.
It is purely my own irrational insecurities.

Basically, I know I deserve something fantastic.
I guess it just seems like every time something fantastic comes my way (yes, fantastic... all these guys are fantastic in some way) it gets 'taken' from me... usually in the form of another girl or longing for another girl. (And perhaps this 'taking' is only perceived and not real, but that fact doesn't matter much in jealousy.)

My jealousy only strikes when life hands me a lemon regarding a guy I like.
I am not jealous of anything else.
I am not even envious of anything else (except people with iPhones).

I have no reason to be jealous. Ever.
Doesn't change the fact that I am, but I have no reason.

I apologize if my insecurities, immaturity and jealousy have been noticed.
I think that's all I have to purge at the moment.

I feel regretful and dumb.

Last night, as I came face to face with my insecurities and jealous nature... I did not act nor feel the way I wanted.

I feel terrible, even though I was caught of guard by the entire thing to begin with. I wish I would have acted better.

Not that I acted terrible... just...
Well, I could have acted better.
Somehow.
I'm not sure how.

Anyway, today I just feel immature... and still insecure and still jealous.
It's quite the crappy feeling. It takes all the bite out of your bark and all the spring out of your step.

I believe my anxiety is coming out in two ways.

One: I woke up with a pounding headache (Haha, I accidentally typed heartache the first time.)

Two: I had a dream about a man trying to strangle his girlfriend over something very stupid that she could not help. I screamed and cussed at him, but he wouldn't stop until she was blue and nearly unconscious or dead. Then, once she wasn't blue anymore, they walked out of the bathroom like nothing happened.

God, this sucks a little.
And I am uber hot right now.
It's supposed to get up to "hot as hell" today, I heard.
I would like it to be autumn now. Please.

With all these heartaches, I should buy something real.

I sigh at the universe.
I shake my fist at it.
Why do you suck so completely hardcore sometimes?

The only good thing to come out of potential heartbreak? A painting.
A fast and furious painting.
A passionate painting.

Where did it come from? Why'd I let this all start?
(I tried not to like you. You know this.)
Because I have no walls. Because I am a nice girl. I am amazing.
Because we have nothing in common but still seem to get along.
Because I really deserve to win this time.

I'd rather not be in that supporting actress role.
I want to be the lover AND the best friend.

Plan: Be patient.
Plan: Survive this weekend. Assess.
Plan: Try to get two hours of sleep.
Plan: Try to keep perspective.
Plan: Try to listen to logic, rather than my screaming heart.

(It's been not even a month. How quickly I let you into my heart.
Jury is still out, but I know every fiber of my being wants to believe you are worth it.)

Cross-post: Because I am consistently dumb enough to watch the news.

Lipstick. Oy.

One: Probably a phrase to avoid after Palin made a lipstick comment.
Two: The "lipstick on a pig" phrase is a common phrase and has been used in the past by various politicians and regular people in general.
Three: I have a hard time believing that Obama, as a minority who knows struggle, is a sexist pig.
Four: I don't think he was calling Palin a pig.

HOWEVER, I could believe that he was referring to Palin in some way... a way MSNBC doesn't seem to be discussing.

Could it be that Obama is referring to Palin as the Lipstick and McCain as the Pig?

As in, McCain is not an agent of change.

By pulling Palin to be his VP, he has created a historic moment and made himself look more "change" worthy.
But it's a shallow, superficial change because she is very republican in thinking. She is not going to change much in Washington either.

He has effectively used Palin to pretty up his campaign, draw attention to it and add the all important sex appeal to it. Let's face it, she is young. She is attractive. She is a "she." Therefore many attacks on her will be twisted somehow to be sexist... just as many attacks on Clinton were twisted to be sexist as well.

It's still a man's world, but women need to stop playing the victim.

The dumbest part? I'm beginning to lose faith in the American people being intelligent enough to watch the news and see Obama's quote in context. In context, if doesn't appear to be a swipe at Palin at all.

In other news, there are some Hebrew National hot dogs in my freezer and I really want to eat them.
There is no pig in those. So it is safe to apply lipstick.

So, please stop talking about lipstick.

What are you going to do, bleed on me?

When things seem to be going very well, I am constantly expecting something to go horribly wrong.
Luckily, this means I am not worried about school, because none of my classes are awesome. They all kind of suck royally. Well, except for Psychology of Adjustment, that one seems to be going ok.

Today, when I return from my Health quiz, I must set up a still-life to paint. *gag* Then I'll go watch Megan's babies for half an hour and eat cake. Cake is what will keep me going tomorrow. I'm going to try to eat better today though. Yesterday, I ate my body weight in crackers and caramel popcorn. And string cheese. God, I love string cheese.

I get to take super fun pictures again soon. Oh my god, I'm so excited.

I did not sleep last night.

I have a brain that refuses to turn off.

So, now my eyes feel puffy... and I didn't even have any fun staying up too much.
I mean, other than exploring pretty and mellow music on someone elses iPod.

Today is another painting class and I dread it.
I cannot even paint spools of thread.
I'm going to fail.

Well, actually, I hope to improve, but I don't even want to talk about my crappy piece today.
I hope I don't have to. I just want to get those 4 hours out of the way and I want to eat lunch with my girls and read my psychology.

Hopefully I'll have another good weekend.
Fingers crossed.

Will this become an outlet for my crazies?

I hope not.

I think that I might have time to think about things tonight.
Is thinking a good thing or a bad thing?

I have no reason to be thinking right now, I'm venturing that it's a bad idea.

/vague post.

I have filled my days with frivilous thoughts.

I have a new crush. I really like him, but I do not enter into these sort of things as easily as I used to... because life has happened.

I found out recently that I am not a natural born painter. I really want to be good at painting, but oh-good-god. I had to walk away from my canvas in an attempt not to cry in front of strangers. Paint is expensive... so that also sucks because if I can't be good at it, it will be a waste of over $100 in supplies.

Also, I've found out that I'm environmentally retarded. I cannot, for the life of me, understand ANYTHING I read in my Environmental Science book. And it's supposed to be "easy."

I feel stupid.

So, today is Labor Day. I am going to celebrate by vegging and reading "New Moon" (because I've finally gotten to the point where it doesn't make me overly emotional).

If I even have a bike anymore...

I think I'm gonna start riding it.
Because running has started to bore me.
And when something bores me, I don't do it.

Bike.

Something that scares me.

Jerome Corsi was just on C-Span defending his book, "The Obama Nation..."

It worries me that there are people who will take his conspiracies as unbiased fact when he is obviously very biased. All of his books lean very far right on the political scale.

Someone seriously called him "unbiased."



I don't know why all of my posts have been of the political nature right now.
And they all are way too short.
I apologize.

I saw the new, updated, McCain ad...

You know, the one where they try to make it seem like Obama is just a frivilous celebrity...
Ignoring his extensive educational background and public service work.

Well, They took out the Britney and Paris pics, but they still implied their presence with one blonde head on a number of magazine covers they display in the beginning of the ad.

I love how politicians believe the public is so stupid.
Of course, maybe they're right.
But I feel like calling them out.

Discussing politics at the dinner table.

McCain rejects 'audacity of hopelessness' for Iraq - Yahoo! News

Grow up. Ok?

These two men have vastly different takes on war.
To say that Obama is hopeless regarding Iraq is ignorant.

If you read the article, you will find that be has voted for every bill (with the exception of one) that provided funding for our troops. The fact of the matter remains that Obama did not support going to war in the first place. If we had not become involved, we would not have needed to withdraw and we could have fully focused out attention in Afghanistan, where the Taliban is regaining some ground because we are not providing ways for Afghani citizens to provide a life for their family.

I will admit to not knowing much about foreign policy, but it sounds very desperate to be making comments like this, McCain. Very desperate. Me thinks Johnnie boy is becoming a bit nervous about his political contender.

Obama is not a dumb individual. In fact, he is just the opposite.
His foreign policy experience has been put into question, so he explored the world and discussed potential policy with the leaders he would be working with, if he were president. And he's won a lot of foreign leaders over.

A good leader is one who listens, who considers multiple solutions and then picks the best one. Listening is key. Listening gets you friends and friends will back you.

And lets face it, America could use a little more international backing.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Testing from flock.

I just downloaded Flock and am making sure it's not BS-ing me with this blogging feature.

It's not. That's cool.

A day in the life of.

Today was a day like every other day.

You know, transfer services -- well, they weren't very helpful.
I grabbed a little sheet of pink paper on the way out that answered more questions than the counselor did. Hrm.

I gave myself a paper cut folding letters today that were going out to inform people that they might not actually be eligible for a scholarship they recieved an earlier letter for. (Did that make sense?)

It rained all day and even though I have an idea for a personal-beliefs/life-explanatory post, I've not the energy to type it. (The birds are just finally beginning to come out and chirp. I think it's finally drying up.)

Oh, rain -- that reminds me. Today, I walked around with a "My Little Pony" umbrella. It's pink and little. I need to get a big girl umbrella equivalent.

Something old.

So, I'm back to school... again.

I've touched on this in my introduction.

Now, I get to navigate the world of job searching... which is limited a little by my inability to work Friday mornings now due to class.

I also do not want to take on too much of a work load, since I'll be taking 5 classes total. At least one is very reading intensive. I know my Painting class will be time consuming. So, I will need time for that.

So... what to do, what to do.
I'd like to get some sort of experience in a classroom, since I have none... but I don't know where to start there.

I know I dislike office work, but I can continue it if the pay is decent. I'm going to mention that possibility tomorrow, while I'm helping Mrs. Boss Lady organize her office. If she is interested, that might be the path of least resistance. And if they don't dock my pay, it will be about twice as nice as my previous student working experience.

Sheetz (yes, a gas station) was recommended to me by a friend for the simple reason that they offer tuition reimbursement. This is something that would be really nice when it comes to paying for the next 2 or 3 years of school. At $9.25/hr, it pays better than any student worker jobs I am aware of and if I start this semester I should be able to get the tuition perk by next semester.

If I stick with my office job, I do not get the tuition perk. If I go back to student working, I will not have the tuition perk or decent pay (but a very flexible schedule). Unfortunately, Sheetz seems to offer flexible scheduling and that tuition perk. I never thought I'd consider working at a gas station.

Oh, this girl's head is spinning. I need to figure something out that will work.

It is going to storm now. It is windy. It's wonderful.

Something new.

It's been a year since I've started "blogging."

This is my more public venture into it.

In this blog I would like to include my observations and musings on a variety of interests. Current events, art and art history, words of others (with proper credit, of course) and words of my own.

Hopefully this doesn't turn out to be lame.

A little about me, to hold you over:

My name is Christina. I am 22 years old, currently. I have recently discovered that I want to be an Art Education major. I've been in college for 4 years and probably have at least another 2 to go now. I've been through a Graphic Design program and a Photography program. (So I have two associate degrees.)

I love art history. They were always my favorite classes (besides my Human Sexuality class). I think this is why Art Education sounds so appealing to me.

I also love to read and write. Which brings me to my next possibility, Secondary Education English. Also a possibility... maybe I'll do both.

I am fascinated with the world around me and am sometimes disgusted by it. I am in love with hope and possibilities. I dislike practicality at times. I am a dreamer and always will be. I am idealistic and I feel if more people were the same way, the world would be a better place.

I am me and I am still discovering myself.
And I usually feel I'm right.
But I'm willing to admit when I'm wrong.

I don't take myself too seriously and you will probably find me using :-) and ;-) in some cases. I apologize if this takes away from all my scholarliness. (Oh, yes... I do have a habit of occasionally creating words.)