Monday, September 15, 2008

Ah, you know what... Let's dive into this subject of jealousy for a moment.

I have a little time this morning, I'll take myself on a journey through my head.

I am not a jealous person, per se.
I have jealous tendencies. Especially when I see something/someone encroaching on something I want.

This is no excuse and I fight on a pretty regular basis not to be this way. Last night made me feel the worst I've felt in quite a while. And it's all on me. I should not let myself feel like I am inferior to someone in any way, because I am not. Jealousy only belittles me, it is an ugly emotion and I truly hate it.

I don't think I used to be this way. I think, in a way, the past year or so has brought out some of my insecurities that I used to be so good at hiding. I used to have so many walls. (So many, it was hard to get into my mind and under my skin.) Then, I met a particular boy and my walls came down.

He then broke my heart in a most dishonest fashion, and I've dealt with it. (It helps that the boy finally came around and we could talk about these things.) Misdeeds have been forgiven because I am also a fairly forgiving person.

Then, I met someone online. YES, yes. I know, I know... It wasn't something I intended to happen because it sounds like a crazy story to me as well. That doesn't change the fact that over the course of approximately 8 months, I fell for him. I met him and it was the most fantastic couple days of my life. It still is. It was exciting and I felt adored and it was just plain fun. The good feelings continued for about a month... and then I got my heart broken again.

It was no one's 'fault.' Circumstances were not on our side. I had a lot of hope for that one though. I was even thinking about crazy things like moving a crazy distance away from my family. Actually, it wasn't crazy, I really liked this long-distance guy. I saw potential, but it was a difficult situation.

I've let go of that as well. We're still friends, long-distance guy and I. I can't imagine not being friends with him. I had some pretty deep feelings for him, to say the least. I realize we cannot be together, so I tried to focus my energy inward again. I tried to build walls around me.

Apparently my walls are not so thick and they have become easy to break down.
I like feeling. I like being somewhat emotional. I dislike rationality.

I guess a side effect of this is -- jealousy. It basically is a lack of rationality regarding a situation. This brings us back full circle to the topic at hand.

Why am I a jealous person? I know I am fantastic. I am smart. I am relatively attractive. I am emotionally strong (most times). I can kick back and relax and I go with the flow. I am in touch with my feelings (hence this outpouring right here that I fear the appropriate people will not read anyway). There is no reason for me to be insecure with myself.

Oh, and another interesting tidbit about it?
It has absolutely nothing to do with trusting the other person.
It is purely my own irrational insecurities.

Basically, I know I deserve something fantastic.
I guess it just seems like every time something fantastic comes my way (yes, fantastic... all these guys are fantastic in some way) it gets 'taken' from me... usually in the form of another girl or longing for another girl. (And perhaps this 'taking' is only perceived and not real, but that fact doesn't matter much in jealousy.)

My jealousy only strikes when life hands me a lemon regarding a guy I like.
I am not jealous of anything else.
I am not even envious of anything else (except people with iPhones).

I have no reason to be jealous. Ever.
Doesn't change the fact that I am, but I have no reason.

I apologize if my insecurities, immaturity and jealousy have been noticed.
I think that's all I have to purge at the moment.


Dave63 said...

This is crystal clear, hope appropriate person reads it.

Dora said...

Wow, that was deep. I feel you on the jealous tendencies. I had so much of them and it took a long time for me to get a grip on it. It had almost nothing to do with past relationships, but more on my family history and current behaviors. Almost every one of them has hurt their significant others with adultery. OMG, that drives me mad!

It took a lot to get where I am right now. Fights, talks, and cries. Lots of them. I'm lucky to have a very understanding husband who knew how to deal with me and those insecurities. He keeps telling me he's not like my family. I believe him. I trust him. I know he'd never hurt me like that, but it's still at the back of my mind since I've been living with it for years! I think part of the problem is that we find something great and we're terrified of anything that may destroy it. I know I need counseling to help me get rid of these insecurities completely and I plan on getting some soon. I'm away from all that now that I've relocated to where I don't have family. It has helped, but I think I've only put it away until later. If I ever go back to Guam I'm sure it'll all come crashing back to me and I don't want that. I'm not sure I can handle it anymore. Just be reading what you've read, I have a pretty good idea that you're a great person. Don't be hard on yourself. It's okay to feel the way you feel. In time, I hope, we'll understand it. Take care!

Georgie Hammerton said...

Christina, you are a wonderful, wonderful woman. If it would help I'm happy to let you play with my iPhone? :)

c.e.z. said...

I love all you guys so much right now :-)

(And Georgie... it would help tremendously if I could play with your iPhone. Haha.)