I'm a little late, but this is what I'm watching this morning.

The presidential debate.
I heard McCain won... but I'll probably think differently because, well, McCain can never win in my mind.

But, I should watch it and keep an open mind. *deep breath*

Ugh.

Life can be very sucky sometimes.

I'm going to try to sleep now.

Please remember. Sometimes beauty is discovered through ugliness.

Something beautiful.

Are you there God, It's me... Christina.

Please, stop sending me boys.
I would like a man.
Or at least a dude.
Or the dude.

Something other than a boy.
Something other than a man-child.

Ok, thanks.



In other news... I had a good time tonight out with friends.
It was very nice. Once again, I am happy I didn't listen to everyone else when it came to J.
He's pretty cool now, after all. ;-)


Good night, dear reader (because I think I have all of one, haha).

My first day.

It kind of felt like the first day of school.
I didn't do much of anything. I observed.

Tomorrow I have to actually start DOING things.
So I'm even more nervous now.

I hope my drawer balances at the end of the day.
I hope I can remember how to do things.
I hope people like me. :-P


Now, I am watching Ghosthunters.
I love that show.
I have to wake up early again today.
I have to be at work by 8:30. Showered and looking purdy.

Oh, and after work, I will go directly to a Health exam.
And I have to read half a chapter for Environmental Science and half a chapter for Psychology.
Then I have to do discussion boards.

I should have put more paint on my oil painting... I hope I can at least get a C in that class.

I think I've caught up on life now.
I want to see that new Dane Cook movie.

A fear that has plagued me since I discovered I hated the thought of a Graphic Design career.

I just read the first chapter of my Foundations of Education textbook.
Am I cut out to be a teacher? Or will this be just another failed attempt?
Another degree that will gather dust?

You see, I have a problem.
I have not discovered my "passion."
All I actually know is that I feel best when I'm helping others feel good... when I'm helping others succeed.

I also know that I love love love the written word.
And I love love love the visual world.

This brings me to the possibility of two things.
Art Education (which really would play nicely into my adoration of all things art history).
English (Secondary Education).

Getting an English degree would be easier and more convenient than Art Education, but art has grabbed me. I love the creativity of others. I admire it for them.

But there's also so much creativity in English.
Writing is its own art form.
(Arabs had it right when they created their calligraphy. Words should be pretty.)


Then again, how am I to know if teaching is right for me. Maybe it would drain me. Maybe I would hate the kids. (I mean, I know I want to work with HS students because at least I can swear at them if they're bratty! Haha.)

I don't know if I'm wasting my time and I don't know if I have the energy or the money to keep going. I am so exhausted. I have no idea how people can work full time and go to school full time!
(Kudos to you, Kristi!)

I'm just so afraid that I'm wasting my time.
I might take next semester off, just to let all this thinking sink in throughly.
But first, I have to get through this semester successfully.

Which means I have to stop typing, for now, and go do a discussion board question.
And watch a teaching video.

I am grounded, I am humble, I am one with everything ("I like giants," Kimya Dawson)

Tonight, as I was walking, I realized I was smiling.
Maybe it was the shooting star I saw (they always make me smile).
Or maybe something just... clicked.

I stood up for myself.
I stood up for someone else.
I stood up.

And I've been doing it.
I think it's a good thing.

Tonight I realized I regained my control.

And I hope this feeling lasts.

Today, I get to go to the Apple store.

This excites me, although... I can't really buy anything.
'Cause I'm poor. 'Cause I'm between jobs.
'Cause I spent too much money on alcohol and I've been using my credit card too much.

*sigh*

But it's gonna be pretty fun anyway.

Still, I want a new nano.
The colors are delicious.
The price makes me cry.

Each "heartbreak" gets easier.

I don't know why straight forward honesty is so much to ask for.
Everything I have to get over... it is doable.
I can get over it.

The fact of the matter is... this one was almost expected, after the way last week went.
Whatever.

The heartbreak before this... that was the beast.
I still think of that one. Often.
I don't want to forget it.
I would have rather got hurt than not experienced that one at all.

Beauty in the Breakdown? That one had it. Still does.

It's not drunken honesty after you sober up.
It's just honesty. That's what I've got.

I can't stand that there is another girl who has may have been drug into a hole, Mr. Latest.
Maybe it's not a big deal, maybe she climbed right out or maybe she even just accepted the hole as much as I've accepted the latest decision made.

Still, it's not you who holds the power to hurt me most.
I apparently did not hand that power over to you, Mr. Latest.

I have to go to bed. I have a full weekend ahead of me.
Maybe I'll even get MORE homework done.


PS: Georgie -- Specifics are at my Vox. (Just to give you a heads up.)

Love and all things like it.

No one, not even the smartest people, actually KNOW what they are doing when it comes to love.

I don't know if that's the ugly or the beauty of it.

Two honest people can fall for each other at the wrong time and in the wrong situations.
Words can create such a bond, even when lacking actual physical touch.
And physical touch can be the most painful and most comforting thing at the same time.

How can love be so full of obvious contradictions?
It hurts and heals.
It bends sometimes. Other times, it breaks.
It can bring you up and down.

It is a roller coaster ride. A most thrilling one.
That's why people seek it.

I just read a lot of emotional purging tonight amongst my friends.
(Online and off.)

I'm in the midst of some of my own confusion regarding love and things like it.

It is contradictions, all the way through.
And I see the ugly and the beauty.
And it's captivating, either way.

Dreams.

I had some crazy dreams last night.
But I don't remember any of them.

I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall back asleep.

I've decided that I want to see "Ghost Town."
And I'm in love with hulu.com.

I saw on the late night news that the Obama campaign has received threatening letters and they've included racial slurs. It makes me so angry that people are still stuck in the days where skin color means anything more than a differing level of melanin. It's ridiculous that racism is still a part of daily life for non-whites. (Whites, by the way, will soon be the minority in America.)

I don't have too much to talk about this morning. Maybe I'll have something later today.
I still need to read a chapter for my Environmental class. Maybe I'll even get to post on the discussion boards for my classes.

The search for honesty.

In the past, I never told people how I felt about them. Whether it was good or bad. This, it turns out, is a horrible idea. If leads to a lot of "What ifs?"

My best friend from HS, he was the first to "break my heart." We grew apart after he got a very serious girlfriend at the end of senior year. We've survived other girlfriends before this... I'm not sure what was so special about this one.

Back to the story at hand -- he ignored me for a long period of time. When she went back to where she came from (she was an exchange student), he started to hang out with me again. I was hurt, I told him not to do that to me again. But inevitably, on her return, he repeated history. Today, I hardly ever see him. And it is so weird that he used to know all my secrets and now knows none of them.

I vowed, after I got my heart broken for the first time that I wouldn't hold my feelings inside.

With my first venture into love, I did not take my own advice and often kept things bottled up until they were unbearable and I sounded like a crazy person when I brought them up.

The whole long-distance thing was a little different. I shared a lot more than I usually would. I shared enough to make me uncomfortable. I still did not share everything though and I regret that. Maybe our quasi-whateveritwas would have ended sooner. Maybe later. I'm not going to speculate.

All I know is, I wish I had said more. Now there are words that shall remain unspoken because there is not a legitimate reason to speak them.

I think that's why I've been relatively uncensored lately. I hope I continue to get the opportunity to remain relatively uncensored.

I don't think I can write about my current situation. I don't know if I should be hopeful or not. Uncertainty kills me.

Here's the thing with me: Tell me exactly what you feel and if it's not what I want to hear, I will find a way to get over it and reshape my thoughts.

Yes, I might be sad for a while. I might even cry. That's all part of the process.
I've gotten over people before. Many times.

I'm usually the girl who is passed over as girlfriend material. It's what I get for not being a pushy girl. I want a guy to want me because I am awesome, because I didn't push him into anything, because I am nice... but I also demand total honesty from everyone I know.

Don't lie. Never lie. False hope is lame.
Lies hurt far worse than truths. (And for longer too.)
And don't ever hold back.

I have decided that I will post something here everyday*

I need to do something like this.
A more public outflow of my thoughts.

It feels nice to purge myself of some thoughts on occasion.

And I like to think that people might understand what goes on behind my eyes.
These are the thoughts that silence produces.



(* I'm not going to be anal retentive. If I miss a day or two, no biggie. I don't want to post too much fluff.)

Something that could be said.

This blog... is fantastic.
It says a lot of the things I wish I could say out loud.

Ah, you know what... Let's dive into this subject of jealousy for a moment.

I have a little time this morning, I'll take myself on a journey through my head.

I am not a jealous person, per se.
I have jealous tendencies. Especially when I see something/someone encroaching on something I want.

This is no excuse and I fight on a pretty regular basis not to be this way. Last night made me feel the worst I've felt in quite a while. And it's all on me. I should not let myself feel like I am inferior to someone in any way, because I am not. Jealousy only belittles me, it is an ugly emotion and I truly hate it.

I don't think I used to be this way. I think, in a way, the past year or so has brought out some of my insecurities that I used to be so good at hiding. I used to have so many walls. (So many, it was hard to get into my mind and under my skin.) Then, I met a particular boy and my walls came down.

He then broke my heart in a most dishonest fashion, and I've dealt with it. (It helps that the boy finally came around and we could talk about these things.) Misdeeds have been forgiven because I am also a fairly forgiving person.

Then, I met someone online. YES, yes. I know, I know... It wasn't something I intended to happen because it sounds like a crazy story to me as well. That doesn't change the fact that over the course of approximately 8 months, I fell for him. I met him and it was the most fantastic couple days of my life. It still is. It was exciting and I felt adored and it was just plain fun. The good feelings continued for about a month... and then I got my heart broken again.

It was no one's 'fault.' Circumstances were not on our side. I had a lot of hope for that one though. I was even thinking about crazy things like moving a crazy distance away from my family. Actually, it wasn't crazy, I really liked this long-distance guy. I saw potential, but it was a difficult situation.

I've let go of that as well. We're still friends, long-distance guy and I. I can't imagine not being friends with him. I had some pretty deep feelings for him, to say the least. I realize we cannot be together, so I tried to focus my energy inward again. I tried to build walls around me.

Apparently my walls are not so thick and they have become easy to break down.
I like feeling. I like being somewhat emotional. I dislike rationality.

I guess a side effect of this is -- jealousy. It basically is a lack of rationality regarding a situation. This brings us back full circle to the topic at hand.

Why am I a jealous person? I know I am fantastic. I am smart. I am relatively attractive. I am emotionally strong (most times). I can kick back and relax and I go with the flow. I am in touch with my feelings (hence this outpouring right here that I fear the appropriate people will not read anyway). There is no reason for me to be insecure with myself.

Oh, and another interesting tidbit about it?
It has absolutely nothing to do with trusting the other person.
It is purely my own irrational insecurities.

Basically, I know I deserve something fantastic.
I guess it just seems like every time something fantastic comes my way (yes, fantastic... all these guys are fantastic in some way) it gets 'taken' from me... usually in the form of another girl or longing for another girl. (And perhaps this 'taking' is only perceived and not real, but that fact doesn't matter much in jealousy.)

My jealousy only strikes when life hands me a lemon regarding a guy I like.
I am not jealous of anything else.
I am not even envious of anything else (except people with iPhones).

I have no reason to be jealous. Ever.
Doesn't change the fact that I am, but I have no reason.

I apologize if my insecurities, immaturity and jealousy have been noticed.
I think that's all I have to purge at the moment.

I feel regretful and dumb.

Last night, as I came face to face with my insecurities and jealous nature... I did not act nor feel the way I wanted.

I feel terrible, even though I was caught of guard by the entire thing to begin with. I wish I would have acted better.

Not that I acted terrible... just...
Well, I could have acted better.
Somehow.
I'm not sure how.

Anyway, today I just feel immature... and still insecure and still jealous.
It's quite the crappy feeling. It takes all the bite out of your bark and all the spring out of your step.

I believe my anxiety is coming out in two ways.

One: I woke up with a pounding headache (Haha, I accidentally typed heartache the first time.)

Two: I had a dream about a man trying to strangle his girlfriend over something very stupid that she could not help. I screamed and cussed at him, but he wouldn't stop until she was blue and nearly unconscious or dead. Then, once she wasn't blue anymore, they walked out of the bathroom like nothing happened.

God, this sucks a little.
And I am uber hot right now.
It's supposed to get up to "hot as hell" today, I heard.
I would like it to be autumn now. Please.

With all these heartaches, I should buy something real.

I sigh at the universe.
I shake my fist at it.
Why do you suck so completely hardcore sometimes?

The only good thing to come out of potential heartbreak? A painting.
A fast and furious painting.
A passionate painting.

Where did it come from? Why'd I let this all start?
(I tried not to like you. You know this.)
Because I have no walls. Because I am a nice girl. I am amazing.
Because we have nothing in common but still seem to get along.
Because I really deserve to win this time.

I'd rather not be in that supporting actress role.
I want to be the lover AND the best friend.

Plan: Be patient.
Plan: Survive this weekend. Assess.
Plan: Try to get two hours of sleep.
Plan: Try to keep perspective.
Plan: Try to listen to logic, rather than my screaming heart.

(It's been not even a month. How quickly I let you into my heart.
Jury is still out, but I know every fiber of my being wants to believe you are worth it.)

Cross-post: Because I am consistently dumb enough to watch the news.

Lipstick. Oy.

One: Probably a phrase to avoid after Palin made a lipstick comment.
Two: The "lipstick on a pig" phrase is a common phrase and has been used in the past by various politicians and regular people in general.
Three: I have a hard time believing that Obama, as a minority who knows struggle, is a sexist pig.
Four: I don't think he was calling Palin a pig.

HOWEVER, I could believe that he was referring to Palin in some way... a way MSNBC doesn't seem to be discussing.

Could it be that Obama is referring to Palin as the Lipstick and McCain as the Pig?

As in, McCain is not an agent of change.

By pulling Palin to be his VP, he has created a historic moment and made himself look more "change" worthy.
But it's a shallow, superficial change because she is very republican in thinking. She is not going to change much in Washington either.

He has effectively used Palin to pretty up his campaign, draw attention to it and add the all important sex appeal to it. Let's face it, she is young. She is attractive. She is a "she." Therefore many attacks on her will be twisted somehow to be sexist... just as many attacks on Clinton were twisted to be sexist as well.

It's still a man's world, but women need to stop playing the victim.

The dumbest part? I'm beginning to lose faith in the American people being intelligent enough to watch the news and see Obama's quote in context. In context, if doesn't appear to be a swipe at Palin at all.

In other news, there are some Hebrew National hot dogs in my freezer and I really want to eat them.
There is no pig in those. So it is safe to apply lipstick.

So, please stop talking about lipstick.

What are you going to do, bleed on me?

When things seem to be going very well, I am constantly expecting something to go horribly wrong.
Luckily, this means I am not worried about school, because none of my classes are awesome. They all kind of suck royally. Well, except for Psychology of Adjustment, that one seems to be going ok.

Today, when I return from my Health quiz, I must set up a still-life to paint. *gag* Then I'll go watch Megan's babies for half an hour and eat cake. Cake is what will keep me going tomorrow. I'm going to try to eat better today though. Yesterday, I ate my body weight in crackers and caramel popcorn. And string cheese. God, I love string cheese.

I get to take super fun pictures again soon. Oh my god, I'm so excited.

I did not sleep last night.

I have a brain that refuses to turn off.

So, now my eyes feel puffy... and I didn't even have any fun staying up too much.
I mean, other than exploring pretty and mellow music on someone elses iPod.

Today is another painting class and I dread it.
I cannot even paint spools of thread.
I'm going to fail.

Well, actually, I hope to improve, but I don't even want to talk about my crappy piece today.
I hope I don't have to. I just want to get those 4 hours out of the way and I want to eat lunch with my girls and read my psychology.

Hopefully I'll have another good weekend.
Fingers crossed.

Will this become an outlet for my crazies?

I hope not.

I think that I might have time to think about things tonight.
Is thinking a good thing or a bad thing?

I have no reason to be thinking right now, I'm venturing that it's a bad idea.

/vague post.

I have filled my days with frivilous thoughts.

I have a new crush. I really like him, but I do not enter into these sort of things as easily as I used to... because life has happened.

I found out recently that I am not a natural born painter. I really want to be good at painting, but oh-good-god. I had to walk away from my canvas in an attempt not to cry in front of strangers. Paint is expensive... so that also sucks because if I can't be good at it, it will be a waste of over $100 in supplies.

Also, I've found out that I'm environmentally retarded. I cannot, for the life of me, understand ANYTHING I read in my Environmental Science book. And it's supposed to be "easy."

I feel stupid.

So, today is Labor Day. I am going to celebrate by vegging and reading "New Moon" (because I've finally gotten to the point where it doesn't make me overly emotional).