Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The search for honesty.

In the past, I never told people how I felt about them. Whether it was good or bad. This, it turns out, is a horrible idea. If leads to a lot of "What ifs?"

My best friend from HS, he was the first to "break my heart." We grew apart after he got a very serious girlfriend at the end of senior year. We've survived other girlfriends before this... I'm not sure what was so special about this one.

Back to the story at hand -- he ignored me for a long period of time. When she went back to where she came from (she was an exchange student), he started to hang out with me again. I was hurt, I told him not to do that to me again. But inevitably, on her return, he repeated history. Today, I hardly ever see him. And it is so weird that he used to know all my secrets and now knows none of them.

I vowed, after I got my heart broken for the first time that I wouldn't hold my feelings inside.

With my first venture into love, I did not take my own advice and often kept things bottled up until they were unbearable and I sounded like a crazy person when I brought them up.

The whole long-distance thing was a little different. I shared a lot more than I usually would. I shared enough to make me uncomfortable. I still did not share everything though and I regret that. Maybe our quasi-whateveritwas would have ended sooner. Maybe later. I'm not going to speculate.

All I know is, I wish I had said more. Now there are words that shall remain unspoken because there is not a legitimate reason to speak them.

I think that's why I've been relatively uncensored lately. I hope I continue to get the opportunity to remain relatively uncensored.

I don't think I can write about my current situation. I don't know if I should be hopeful or not. Uncertainty kills me.

Here's the thing with me: Tell me exactly what you feel and if it's not what I want to hear, I will find a way to get over it and reshape my thoughts.

Yes, I might be sad for a while. I might even cry. That's all part of the process.
I've gotten over people before. Many times.

I'm usually the girl who is passed over as girlfriend material. It's what I get for not being a pushy girl. I want a guy to want me because I am awesome, because I didn't push him into anything, because I am nice... but I also demand total honesty from everyone I know.

Don't lie. Never lie. False hope is lame.
Lies hurt far worse than truths. (And for longer too.)
And don't ever hold back.

3 comments:

Georgie Hammerton said...

The reason I went for my girlfriend was because of the reasons you say in your last but one paragraph.

c.e.z. said...

Awww...

Girls like me are very thankful that guys like you exist.

*e-hug* :-D

Georgie Hammerton said...

There are lots of us around but we are very good at hiding; we float around being single for ages until someone comes along and we take the risk of having our heart broken (there was a lot of fear for me..)

*ehug!*