Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Introspection on the drive home.

Something that I could do without regarding the holidays is this thing it does to my head.
You know, it forces me to re-examine where I am in life, what I want and where I feel I want to go.

Usually, I try to lie to myself... convince myself that I am happy and just fine.
Blah blah.

The truth is, everyone around me is paired.
It forces me to recognize that I want that too.

Of course, this is not new.
But I'm not talking about a date... or something frivolous.

I really want that kind of "I would gladly dive into the unknown with you" kind of love.
The kind that makes you courageous.
You know the type -- where you're willing to go the distance just to hold their hand as they fall asleep.

Where one smile is enough to turn a rotten day around.

It's just so frustrating because it's impossible to find it here.
I don't really have a life that makes me mingle with available men.
Even at school, most were taken, stupid, gay or heinously ugly. (Or a combination of the three.)

Also, my area marries young. Most people my age are either in a very committed relationship, engaged or married. Some even have a house and children.

I don't need that.

I mean, I'd like to get married. But more importantly, I want someone who is going to be around through the thick and thin of life. I don't run away when things get scary or weird. I need that kind of loyalty and respect from someone else.

And I don't need a ring to know that I have that. I'll know simply through their sticking around when I have the flu or staying up all night with me when I cannot sleep because there's a terrible tragedy in my life or sticking around to talk it out when we have a huge fight. It's emotional security. I want it so bad.

I think I'm at a point where I can do this for someone else. I already do it for my friends... I am only more fiercely loyal to a significant other. (I think it's my Scorpio coming out of me or my Ox-like nature, according to Chinese astrology.)


Diamond said...

I found myself contemplating some of those very same things today, like where I am in life.

Georgie Hammerton said...

I know this doesn't help because you want someone NOW but if you want that person who's going to be there for you night and day for ever and ever then it's reasonable to think that you might not find that person in the first few years of being an adult. What if you find someone who wants to be with you forever but they don't make you happy; they're just there; you don't want that do you? You're such a great girl, you don't want to rush into this kind of thing; good relationships come around by accident. I think it's important not to compare yourself to other people in your area; it's about you, not about them so do what's right for you.

c.e.z. said...

Thank you Georgie. I know I rock. I need someone who can be cool too.

As I said (I think), the loneliness that the holidays seems to emphasize is something that I could do without. Damn commercials all about buying your loved one something pretty.

I want to buy someone this kick ass tie I saw... but no man in my life fits the bill.

c.e.z. said...

Diamond -- The holidays us all crazy, lol.