Wednesday, April 29, 2009

From elsewhere: A list.

Someone [elsewhere] had mentioned that a friend who kept dating losers made a list of things she wants in a mate.

Here's my list.

1 - Honesty (You see, this covers a lot of bases. Lying, cheating, stealing. All those things are a lack of honesty. I need an honest man, preferably to a fault. I'd rather get pissed off and get over it than have some lie to me... ever.)

2 - Loyalty (Goes along with honesty. However, you can be honest and still be an asshole. I don't want someone who's going to break up with me instantly because they want to bang their coworker. I need a normal level of "Oh, no... I have a girlfriend and she's cool. I should try to get over this infatuation" kind of thinking.)

3 - Confidence

4 - Humility (#3 and 4 go together in my mind. I want a man who is confident, but not cocky. Just as I am not perfect, he will not be perfect either. If something about my behavior bothers him, I would want him to bring it to my attention. A certain level of criticism is expected because you want your other half to be the best they can be. So, I need him to be confident in his own skin, but also open to suggestions when problems arise.)

5 - Backbone (I need someone who can stand up for himself and for me, if the situation arises. I have a tendency to give in a lot and I want someone to counterbalance that.)

6 - Empathy (I need someone who can remove himself from a difficult situation and see it from the other person's shoes. I am very empathetic and can often see why people do some of the things they do.)

7 - Respect (No explanation is necessary here. Respect my thoughts and beliefs.)

8 - Adoration (Because if you don't adore the person, why are you even there?)

9 - BE AVAILABLE. (I'm not strictly talking marital/dating status. A lot of the men I've met are not available. They pretend to want a relationship, but they really don't. They might talk one minute of love and the next minute they're talking about how they want to sleep with more women before the settle down. Or they simply want a fuck buddy (or buddies). Or they're [still] getting over an ex. Or they don't know where they're going. Or they refuse to say the L-word first or actually fall in love. Or they fall in love with any vagina-wearing creature. Or they think men aren't supposed to have emotions. Etc.)

10 - Passion (I need a man who is as passionate about loving me as I am about loving him. I tend to be a very passionate person sometimes. I would rather have a shouting match and settle things, rather than let things get stagnant and slowly poison a relationship. Passion is a part of that. I don't want to "settle down." I want to constantly be doing new things together. I want a physical connection as well as an emotional and intellectual one. I want to be angry sometimes. I want to be blissful at others. When two people come together, it shouldn't be bland, you should be excited to be together... even if it's just to wash the dishes or cuddle in front of a TV screen.)

So, none of my wants/needs are dumb, outlandish or silly.
All are very reasonable.

One of the things I don't like people pointing out is my supposed naivete. 'Cause I'm not naive.
I started dating late because I was pickier before. That doesn't mean I didn't develop meaningful relationships with men. I know what I want and most did not have half the qualities I've listed here. Most were assholes. Pretentious ones. The ones that weren't? I was friends with them. They usually didn't see me in a romantic light because I was one of them.

Even though I wasn't dating, I was still observing and making decisions for future reference. My standards were too high then, I know this now. Like I said, I'm not naive. I know no one is perfect and I have loved some VERY imperfect people in my time. I loved them all very fully because when I love, I never half-ass it.

So, anyone think this list is too high? Too naive? Like I'm shooting for something unattainable?
'Cause I challenge you to a duel.

I do not build up expectations of perfection.
I hate perfection.
It's so ugly and boring.

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