Have I spoken too boldly or not enough?

I wonder, if I shout how I feel from a mountain top, would it reach you?
Would it travel along the valleys & ridges to whisper in your ear?

No, I'm not fooling myself.

I know I'm not fooling myself because sometimes the obvious truth hurts.
I just can't help wishing it was different.

Other than that little bit of self loathing I just did there, I'm super happy.
Work's still good.
Twizzlers rock.
Starbucks Vanilla Doubleshots are love.

Although I don't like having my phone calls seemingly ignored.
But that's a whole other issue.

I love 60 degree weather with rain.

It's so lovely. My mother and I went for a walk and it started raining and we got drenched.

My favorite thing ever is walking in the rain. I love love love it. The feeling of the drops against my skin. I just adore it. I don't care if that makes me crazy. It makes me happy.

My mother and I discussed men and how none of them that come into my life seem to make any sense.

I told her I need to buy that movie, "Someone Like You" because the part where Ashley Judd's character explains that if her theory on men is not correct, then men do not leave all women, they leave her.

Then she starts crying. And then I start crying too.

Anyway, I told her about that. Loudly. I ranted.

She pointed out that she doesn't understand any of these men who have popped into my life. She pointed out that I am always there for them and we always seem to have undeniable chemistry. Also, I'm always willing to go the distance (sometimes literally) for them.

And I don't regret any of that. It's my nature... but it would be nice to have that sort of thing returned. Someone who will bend backwards and go the distance for me. Someone who will understand and listen to me when I'm ranting and raving and pissed off.

Someone who is unafraid of the ugly side of life but also appreciates the beauty.


NEW TOPIC:
I want to buy felt so I can make a cute bag.
I miss her :-(
I want her to come home so we can be together all Christmas break because I love her.

Next Christmas, I do hereby swear to make 90% of my gifts.

I want to learn to make a quilt.
I will make cookies.
I will create some process to make fun prints and art pieces.

I will start creating things now so I don't run out of time.
Besides, I have all this fantastic free time on my hands now.
Maybe I'll have time to seriously consider creating an Etsy shop!

Ooooooh.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them. (Mother Theresa)

I want something bigger than myself.
I also want Conor Oberst's latest CD.

Hello Christmas forces.

I decorated the tree with Allison today.
That was cool.

The Cowboys must be screwing up... everyone is cheering in my living room.
Yep... They're probably gonna lose this one to the Steelers.
This is probably why I don't watch football with the family. They're kind of annoying. (By kind of I mean REALLY. I cannot hear myself think and they are in an entirely different room.)

Anyway... Finals are tweaking me out. I hope to be done with all but one exam and my painting final by tomorrow night.

This means I have to take two finals tomorrow after I get off of work.
Squee?

It's almost done. That's the good news.

I'm itchy.
It's only 7:30.

It's soon over.

Here.

There are a few people in life that I miss.
Lately, I miss them all a lot.

But on with my post...

The semester is almost over.
I have survived a 15 credit course load while working part-time.
I have to admit though, I do not feel that I learned much.
I've kind of BS'ed my way through the classes sometimes. (Most times.)
The fact that I could do so with such "ease" makes me feel that I must be intelligent, but the fact that I BS'ed so much has made me feel a bit terrible about myself.

You see, I take learning very seriously. I like coming out smarter than when I went in. Or at least more informed. Sadly, I don't feel that way about 5/5ths of my classes. I just didn't have the time or energy to devote my attention fully to any of them. I guess it was just too much.

I'm one of those people who like to fully submerse myself in a subject when I'm learning about it. I'm very one tracked with the strange ability to multi-task. It's a strange combination.

Anyway, I am taking an indefinite break from classes (and I will never go to school full-time again in my life).

In this time off, I would like to:
- read the stacks of books that I own but have not read.
- work on painting how *I* want to paint.
- take more photographs.
- sleep.
- learn everything I can about art history (particularly modern art) and share some of that knowledge with you (my very few readers).

Ah, December 12th is the day of liberation.

Secret?

I would love nothing more than to melt into you again.
And again.
And again.



It's Saturday today.
I think I get to watch movies.
I hope I get to run to Bath and Body Works (gotta get my Meemaw a Christmas present).
But first, I get to work.

PS: Starbucks drinks and how you can do some good. Order (Starbucks)red drinks!

Call me.

I would like to think that one day you will look back and wonder as you smile.
"What if?"

When you do this, call me.
I'll let you in on the fact that I knew it was more than lust from the start.

If.

If you had looked like all the rest.
If you had thought like all the rest.
If you had been like all the rest.

I wouldn't be stuck on repeat.
I never would have cared.



Happy turkey day.

Introspection on the drive home.

Something that I could do without regarding the holidays is this thing it does to my head.
You know, it forces me to re-examine where I am in life, what I want and where I feel I want to go.

Usually, I try to lie to myself... convince myself that I am happy and just fine.
Blah blah.

The truth is, everyone around me is paired.
It forces me to recognize that I want that too.

Of course, this is not new.
But I'm not talking about a date... or something frivolous.

I really want that kind of "I would gladly dive into the unknown with you" kind of love.
The kind that makes you courageous.
You know the type -- where you're willing to go the distance just to hold their hand as they fall asleep.

Where one smile is enough to turn a rotten day around.

It's just so frustrating because it's impossible to find it here.
I don't really have a life that makes me mingle with available men.
Even at school, most were taken, stupid, gay or heinously ugly. (Or a combination of the three.)

Also, my area marries young. Most people my age are either in a very committed relationship, engaged or married. Some even have a house and children.

I don't need that.

I mean, I'd like to get married. But more importantly, I want someone who is going to be around through the thick and thin of life. I don't run away when things get scary or weird. I need that kind of loyalty and respect from someone else.

And I don't need a ring to know that I have that. I'll know simply through their sticking around when I have the flu or staying up all night with me when I cannot sleep because there's a terrible tragedy in my life or sticking around to talk it out when we have a huge fight. It's emotional security. I want it so bad.

I think I'm at a point where I can do this for someone else. I already do it for my friends... I am only more fiercely loyal to a significant other. (I think it's my Scorpio coming out of me or my Ox-like nature, according to Chinese astrology.)

I wish you wrote that for me.

I haven't written here in a few days. I assure you, I am still alive and kicking.

I'm frustrated and crazy, but still kicking.
I simply have very little to say.