Long and rambling, but possibly worth your time? Maybe not, but you won't know until you read it.

There are times when I think, "You know, it could be easier. Maybe even better. Who knows."
But I've always hesitated because it wasn't my style. To give up on something just because it's a little more difficult. There are bound to be snags along any way.

I've never been afraid of difficulty. Utter boredom, yes. Settling, yes. Meaninglessness, yesyesyes.
But never difficulty.

Sometimes though, difficulty reaches a point where you do get bored with it. It doesn't become a learning curve, it becomes something to deal with. Something that slowly loses meaning. Something that becomes your life.

There are a few things on my mind. Work is one. Love is another.

Work is work. I love my coworkers and there are days when I love my job. I have quite a few customers that make me smile. But there is also a visible side of humanity that is arrogant, rude and deceitful. I could do without that. (So, people, please stop lying. Don't be a douchebag.)

Of course, I also need a vacation. Maybe my mini day off will help a little.

Taking classes towards Art History would be fun. As soon as I get my taxes done, I'm going to go online and use that FAFSA4caster tool to see a round-about guess at how much financial aid I could get. Hopefully it'll work. I cannot afford to take on any large sums of debt, even if it is for education. Especially because I'm not sure I'll even end up using the degree in any big capacity.

Art Ed would be cool, but that kind of thing is being fazed out too. Because art's important, but it's not math or science... even though it can be linked TO math and science. Funny how all the subjects they teach in high school are inextricably linked together.

Besides, no one would ever pay for an art tutor at this point.

Sorry, tangent. (Cosine and sine.)



And love. Ah, love. That filthy son-of-a-bitch that keeps chipping away at my mental state. Word to the wise, don't try to make sense of anything. Love is ridiculous. There is no sense in it. It's that word we give to the undeniable urge to make babies and carry on the human race. A human race that we humans will probably destroy on our own because we can't stop fighting. Because, you see, we don't actually believe in love. We like to think the concept is nice.

Except that I do believe in it and I actually do live it. I hold no ill feelings towards anyone in my life (save one person, but she doesn't count because she is the scum of the earth and the opposite of all things lovely). I give up things and feelings I like for the people I love.

Love is wearing me down. Well, the lack of actual physical touch by love. All I've got are words. Words that can build or break an entire empire, I believe.

Physical touch, I've got none of that. Not since Eric left, at least. He was the last person I touched (outside of family) that I could honestly say I loved. And yes, the touching went from sexual to friendly to cop-a-feel to friendly again (haha)... but I know he cared a lot about me. Actually, he cares about a lot of people... his hugs made me feel protected.

Words. Words. Words. That's what I've got now. It was nice to have Eric around because he gave me more than words, even if it wasn't a lover-relationship, it was meaningful. All was good.

"Meaningful" is pretty necessary in my life. Everything I do has meaning. I require it. What is worth doing if it doesn't mean something to you deep in your soul? Life is so short. The earth has been around for approximately 4.5 billion years. We live on it for 100 years, if you're lucky enough to get old. That's a ratio of 1:45,000,000.

That's pretty pathetically short. And if I live to be 100, I've already used up almost a quarter of my time. I might be lucky to see 80 considering the cancer that runs on my dad's side. So really, I've used up 30% of my allotted time. What if I don't even live that long? What if I die tragically young? That kind of thing happens. (Though I can honestly say I'm going to do everything in my power to stop it from happening to me.)

So why should I purposely waste my time? Everything needs to have meaning. Eric was my partner in crime. (Something I ultimately want in a lover-relationship.) Even if we were just watching a movie, it was meaningful because he is awesome.

I also know I want someone who's willing to compromise with me. I'll give up a little if they give up a little and, in the end, it will work out even better than either of us expected. That sort of thing. I want to spend my remaining days on earth not settling for less. I want to be a partner in crime and I want to see places I only dreamed about. I want to be something better. I want to make someone else stronger. I want to shape minds. I want to be a foundation. A steady rock for someone.

But I need that in return too.
I'm ready for that. And I guess when it's ready for me, it will actually find me, hold me and keep me warm.
Until then, I have words. I'll use my flannel PJs and sweatshirts to keep me warm. And I'll hold myself.
I'll make due. Because I can. Because I'm complete on my own.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to look up art classes because they'd make me feel more enriched than anything else.

I am secretly very disappointed that I could not talk to you.

Because you are here.
You seemed to be a good one.
A settled one. One who could love.

Rooted. Grounded. Practical.
Did I mention you're here.

Your smile could melt the largest glacier immediately... but it froze my mouth and mind.
I was thrilled when I could control my shaking. Heh.
Even more thrilled when I managed to smile back.

I'm probably your type, you know.
You seem to be the kind that stays in some weekends just to chill out.
Or you probably busy yourself with constructive hobbies and pastimes.

No partying. No hooking up with random girls. (At least I don't think.)

Wholesome. That's how someone else described you.
I thought so too.

I would have liked wholesome for a change.

Really, it's true.

A quote:

"The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead." - Marilyn Monroe

You can tell a lot about a man by the way he kisses you.

Quick, dirty and quick to jump to a more naked conclusion?
Or soft, increasingly passionate and building to the point of absolute abandon.

Absolute abandon is always the hottest option.
Who really wants mere nakedness, after all?

Secret?

I would love nothing more than to melt into you again.
And again.
And again.



It's Saturday today.
I think I get to watch movies.
I hope I get to run to Bath and Body Works (gotta get my Meemaw a Christmas present).
But first, I get to work.

PS: Starbucks drinks and how you can do some good. Order (Starbucks)red drinks!

Call me.

I would like to think that one day you will look back and wonder as you smile.
"What if?"

When you do this, call me.
I'll let you in on the fact that I knew it was more than lust from the start.

If.

If you had looked like all the rest.
If you had thought like all the rest.
If you had been like all the rest.

I wouldn't be stuck on repeat.
I never would have cared.



Happy turkey day.

Introspection on the drive home.

Something that I could do without regarding the holidays is this thing it does to my head.
You know, it forces me to re-examine where I am in life, what I want and where I feel I want to go.

Usually, I try to lie to myself... convince myself that I am happy and just fine.
Blah blah.

The truth is, everyone around me is paired.
It forces me to recognize that I want that too.

Of course, this is not new.
But I'm not talking about a date... or something frivolous.

I really want that kind of "I would gladly dive into the unknown with you" kind of love.
The kind that makes you courageous.
You know the type -- where you're willing to go the distance just to hold their hand as they fall asleep.

Where one smile is enough to turn a rotten day around.

It's just so frustrating because it's impossible to find it here.
I don't really have a life that makes me mingle with available men.
Even at school, most were taken, stupid, gay or heinously ugly. (Or a combination of the three.)

Also, my area marries young. Most people my age are either in a very committed relationship, engaged or married. Some even have a house and children.

I don't need that.

I mean, I'd like to get married. But more importantly, I want someone who is going to be around through the thick and thin of life. I don't run away when things get scary or weird. I need that kind of loyalty and respect from someone else.

And I don't need a ring to know that I have that. I'll know simply through their sticking around when I have the flu or staying up all night with me when I cannot sleep because there's a terrible tragedy in my life or sticking around to talk it out when we have a huge fight. It's emotional security. I want it so bad.

I think I'm at a point where I can do this for someone else. I already do it for my friends... I am only more fiercely loyal to a significant other. (I think it's my Scorpio coming out of me or my Ox-like nature, according to Chinese astrology.)

Clouds.

Love, please laugh.
And smile (for real). <3

On a different note.

I need to do a final project for my painting class.
I need to dig down and do some artistic therapy.

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse.
I need to purge.
I need to be ok.

I will be ok.
Please don't take my posting from a few minutes ago as an "I give up."
It's really more of an "I'm so facking frustrated."
I throw my hands up because I know why I'm frustrated.

I'm not so naive.
I'm not so stupid.
I think far too much to be ignorant of my own thoughts.

I just don't think I can type them all out here.
I don't have an outlet.
So, I will make my art my outlet.
And then I will post that.

It will strip me emotionally raw.
And I think it's ok that way.

I don't know what to write about.

The only thing in my life that makes me feel ok right now is my job and the people I work with.

Right now, I feel drained.
I know I'm lucky. Sometimes I don't feel that way though.

I have to remind myself.
Because a lot of people do not have the support and love I have from a select few of my friends and my family.
My family really is fantastic, even though they do drive me up a wall sometimes.

Today, I just feel... lonely and frustrated with that loneliness.
And I am terribly bored. And terribly pessimistic with the thought of relationships.
I, honestly, am starting to feel that I'll never be married.
I don't even feel optimistic about finding someone who will be with me, in a secure commitment kind of way.

I don't need to be married... I just don't want to go through life without that kind of love. The possibility worries and depresses me.

It's frustrating because those who do not want to make any commitments seem to have so many options of who to be with that night.
And I go to bed alone.

Embracing. Embracing. Bracing.

I feel completely uncreative lately.
I feel this way because I have nothing to energize me.

I mean, life is ok. I love my job. I have some decent friends and I know I'm not 'alone.'
But I'm very single.

I don't even have options that can distract me from that fact right now.
I. Am. Single.

This has put a huge rubber stopper on my creative test tube and my Bunsen burner is out of gas.
I'm bored. Bad things happen when I get bored. Usually I end up making stupid emotional choices.

Ones that are so obvious after the fact, you know?

Anyway. I should just be ok with my singleness... but I kind of loathe it most days.
IT guy needs to come back and make me giddy for a few days.

I guess I'll look good tomorrow, just for the hell of it.

I wasn't thinking about work or babysitting.

As I drove home last night, I'm pretty sure my heart was beating a mantra.
"I want to go back. I want to go back."
I said, "I know you do."
And I turned up the radio to drown it out.

-----------------------------------------

WebCT's server is down... of course.
I wanted to take an exam this morning.

-----------------------------------------

I think I'm going to take football pictures tonight.
I'm not sure where though.

Each "heartbreak" gets easier.

I don't know why straight forward honesty is so much to ask for.
Everything I have to get over... it is doable.
I can get over it.

The fact of the matter is... this one was almost expected, after the way last week went.
Whatever.

The heartbreak before this... that was the beast.
I still think of that one. Often.
I don't want to forget it.
I would have rather got hurt than not experienced that one at all.

Beauty in the Breakdown? That one had it. Still does.

It's not drunken honesty after you sober up.
It's just honesty. That's what I've got.

I can't stand that there is another girl who has may have been drug into a hole, Mr. Latest.
Maybe it's not a big deal, maybe she climbed right out or maybe she even just accepted the hole as much as I've accepted the latest decision made.

Still, it's not you who holds the power to hurt me most.
I apparently did not hand that power over to you, Mr. Latest.

I have to go to bed. I have a full weekend ahead of me.
Maybe I'll even get MORE homework done.


PS: Georgie -- Specifics are at my Vox. (Just to give you a heads up.)

Love and all things like it.

No one, not even the smartest people, actually KNOW what they are doing when it comes to love.

I don't know if that's the ugly or the beauty of it.

Two honest people can fall for each other at the wrong time and in the wrong situations.
Words can create such a bond, even when lacking actual physical touch.
And physical touch can be the most painful and most comforting thing at the same time.

How can love be so full of obvious contradictions?
It hurts and heals.
It bends sometimes. Other times, it breaks.
It can bring you up and down.

It is a roller coaster ride. A most thrilling one.
That's why people seek it.

I just read a lot of emotional purging tonight amongst my friends.
(Online and off.)

I'm in the midst of some of my own confusion regarding love and things like it.

It is contradictions, all the way through.
And I see the ugly and the beauty.
And it's captivating, either way.

The search for honesty.

In the past, I never told people how I felt about them. Whether it was good or bad. This, it turns out, is a horrible idea. If leads to a lot of "What ifs?"

My best friend from HS, he was the first to "break my heart." We grew apart after he got a very serious girlfriend at the end of senior year. We've survived other girlfriends before this... I'm not sure what was so special about this one.

Back to the story at hand -- he ignored me for a long period of time. When she went back to where she came from (she was an exchange student), he started to hang out with me again. I was hurt, I told him not to do that to me again. But inevitably, on her return, he repeated history. Today, I hardly ever see him. And it is so weird that he used to know all my secrets and now knows none of them.

I vowed, after I got my heart broken for the first time that I wouldn't hold my feelings inside.

With my first venture into love, I did not take my own advice and often kept things bottled up until they were unbearable and I sounded like a crazy person when I brought them up.

The whole long-distance thing was a little different. I shared a lot more than I usually would. I shared enough to make me uncomfortable. I still did not share everything though and I regret that. Maybe our quasi-whateveritwas would have ended sooner. Maybe later. I'm not going to speculate.

All I know is, I wish I had said more. Now there are words that shall remain unspoken because there is not a legitimate reason to speak them.

I think that's why I've been relatively uncensored lately. I hope I continue to get the opportunity to remain relatively uncensored.

I don't think I can write about my current situation. I don't know if I should be hopeful or not. Uncertainty kills me.

Here's the thing with me: Tell me exactly what you feel and if it's not what I want to hear, I will find a way to get over it and reshape my thoughts.

Yes, I might be sad for a while. I might even cry. That's all part of the process.
I've gotten over people before. Many times.

I'm usually the girl who is passed over as girlfriend material. It's what I get for not being a pushy girl. I want a guy to want me because I am awesome, because I didn't push him into anything, because I am nice... but I also demand total honesty from everyone I know.

Don't lie. Never lie. False hope is lame.
Lies hurt far worse than truths. (And for longer too.)
And don't ever hold back.

Something that could be said.

This blog... is fantastic.
It says a lot of the things I wish I could say out loud.

I feel regretful and dumb.

Last night, as I came face to face with my insecurities and jealous nature... I did not act nor feel the way I wanted.

I feel terrible, even though I was caught of guard by the entire thing to begin with. I wish I would have acted better.

Not that I acted terrible... just...
Well, I could have acted better.
Somehow.
I'm not sure how.

Anyway, today I just feel immature... and still insecure and still jealous.
It's quite the crappy feeling. It takes all the bite out of your bark and all the spring out of your step.

What are you going to do, bleed on me?

When things seem to be going very well, I am constantly expecting something to go horribly wrong.
Luckily, this means I am not worried about school, because none of my classes are awesome. They all kind of suck royally. Well, except for Psychology of Adjustment, that one seems to be going ok.

Today, when I return from my Health quiz, I must set up a still-life to paint. *gag* Then I'll go watch Megan's babies for half an hour and eat cake. Cake is what will keep me going tomorrow. I'm going to try to eat better today though. Yesterday, I ate my body weight in crackers and caramel popcorn. And string cheese. God, I love string cheese.

I get to take super fun pictures again soon. Oh my god, I'm so excited.

Will this become an outlet for my crazies?

I hope not.

I think that I might have time to think about things tonight.
Is thinking a good thing or a bad thing?

I have no reason to be thinking right now, I'm venturing that it's a bad idea.

/vague post.