Long and rambling, but possibly worth your time? Maybe not, but you won't know until you read it.

There are times when I think, "You know, it could be easier. Maybe even better. Who knows."
But I've always hesitated because it wasn't my style. To give up on something just because it's a little more difficult. There are bound to be snags along any way.

I've never been afraid of difficulty. Utter boredom, yes. Settling, yes. Meaninglessness, yesyesyes.
But never difficulty.

Sometimes though, difficulty reaches a point where you do get bored with it. It doesn't become a learning curve, it becomes something to deal with. Something that slowly loses meaning. Something that becomes your life.

There are a few things on my mind. Work is one. Love is another.

Work is work. I love my coworkers and there are days when I love my job. I have quite a few customers that make me smile. But there is also a visible side of humanity that is arrogant, rude and deceitful. I could do without that. (So, people, please stop lying. Don't be a douchebag.)

Of course, I also need a vacation. Maybe my mini day off will help a little.

Taking classes towards Art History would be fun. As soon as I get my taxes done, I'm going to go online and use that FAFSA4caster tool to see a round-about guess at how much financial aid I could get. Hopefully it'll work. I cannot afford to take on any large sums of debt, even if it is for education. Especially because I'm not sure I'll even end up using the degree in any big capacity.

Art Ed would be cool, but that kind of thing is being fazed out too. Because art's important, but it's not math or science... even though it can be linked TO math and science. Funny how all the subjects they teach in high school are inextricably linked together.

Besides, no one would ever pay for an art tutor at this point.

Sorry, tangent. (Cosine and sine.)



And love. Ah, love. That filthy son-of-a-bitch that keeps chipping away at my mental state. Word to the wise, don't try to make sense of anything. Love is ridiculous. There is no sense in it. It's that word we give to the undeniable urge to make babies and carry on the human race. A human race that we humans will probably destroy on our own because we can't stop fighting. Because, you see, we don't actually believe in love. We like to think the concept is nice.

Except that I do believe in it and I actually do live it. I hold no ill feelings towards anyone in my life (save one person, but she doesn't count because she is the scum of the earth and the opposite of all things lovely). I give up things and feelings I like for the people I love.

Love is wearing me down. Well, the lack of actual physical touch by love. All I've got are words. Words that can build or break an entire empire, I believe.

Physical touch, I've got none of that. Not since Eric left, at least. He was the last person I touched (outside of family) that I could honestly say I loved. And yes, the touching went from sexual to friendly to cop-a-feel to friendly again (haha)... but I know he cared a lot about me. Actually, he cares about a lot of people... his hugs made me feel protected.

Words. Words. Words. That's what I've got now. It was nice to have Eric around because he gave me more than words, even if it wasn't a lover-relationship, it was meaningful. All was good.

"Meaningful" is pretty necessary in my life. Everything I do has meaning. I require it. What is worth doing if it doesn't mean something to you deep in your soul? Life is so short. The earth has been around for approximately 4.5 billion years. We live on it for 100 years, if you're lucky enough to get old. That's a ratio of 1:45,000,000.

That's pretty pathetically short. And if I live to be 100, I've already used up almost a quarter of my time. I might be lucky to see 80 considering the cancer that runs on my dad's side. So really, I've used up 30% of my allotted time. What if I don't even live that long? What if I die tragically young? That kind of thing happens. (Though I can honestly say I'm going to do everything in my power to stop it from happening to me.)

So why should I purposely waste my time? Everything needs to have meaning. Eric was my partner in crime. (Something I ultimately want in a lover-relationship.) Even if we were just watching a movie, it was meaningful because he is awesome.

I also know I want someone who's willing to compromise with me. I'll give up a little if they give up a little and, in the end, it will work out even better than either of us expected. That sort of thing. I want to spend my remaining days on earth not settling for less. I want to be a partner in crime and I want to see places I only dreamed about. I want to be something better. I want to make someone else stronger. I want to shape minds. I want to be a foundation. A steady rock for someone.

But I need that in return too.
I'm ready for that. And I guess when it's ready for me, it will actually find me, hold me and keep me warm.
Until then, I have words. I'll use my flannel PJs and sweatshirts to keep me warm. And I'll hold myself.
I'll make due. Because I can. Because I'm complete on my own.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to look up art classes because they'd make me feel more enriched than anything else.

What I've been up to lately.

I realize it's been a while.

Friday night, Dane Cook::

Allison (my current partner in crime) and I went to see Dane. Yes. We're on a first name basis now, ok? It was a blasty-blast. Allison screamed obnoxiously as he came out and we laughed so hard -- even at the two opening acts, which I expected were not going to be as fun as the main act, but they were. They were great.

I can never remember their names though, damn it. One was an Al and the other a Robert.

Of course I bought a $35 t-shirt and a window cling (for each of us).

Tuesday night (aka: last night), Owl City::

The concert was good. Tweenage and teenage girls are such an annoying set though and unfortunately they made up 50% of the audience. Another 25% were their parents and the remaining were faculty and college students.

The music was good. (It was also too loud though. You know how things get real hard to understand, almost muffled, when it gets too loud. It was like that.) Adam Young (I learned his name last night, haha) is a pretty good performer, and I developed a girlcrush on the violinist. Damn, she was just adorable! The keyboardist/back-up singer too.

Actually, all the girls were cute. I wish I was any one of them.

I didn't buy anything at the show because (a) tweens and teens are annoying and (b) I'm so broke, it's sad.

Allison pointed out on girl who was applying blue chapstick to her lips for at least 5 minutes. She was hoping the girl's lips would turn blue. Sadly, they did not, but she did have a bunch of shine all up her upper lip. Shmexy.

A crappy side note::

My credit card bill is not what I'd like it to be. I ate out too much. And Christmas is a bummer. :(
Next month is a new month. It will all be ok. *sigh*

Back to the point of it::

So that's what I've been up to. I took the morning off to recuperate, though I probably wouldn't have needed to. It's nice to be laying in bed in a quiet house. Lovely. :)

I think I'll wait to do yoga until AFTER work. I'm just going to enjoy this quiet for now.
Yes.

Before I go, a photo::



Allison's cell phone takes better pictures than my BB. Fail.
We're still trying to figure out how we look like sisters, if at all.

HOW ARE WE SISTERS?!?

It's times like this that I am happy to be single.

I'm in my PJs already. It's cold outside and I'm glad to be in. I have a busy weekend coming up because it's my birthday on Sunday. I can make plans as they come, since I'm not bogged down with trying to fit a significant other into my plans.

Not that it would be TERRIBLE, I'm just glad I don't have to balance that at the moment. I'm sure my mood will change once I feel like I have more time on my hands.

Anyway, being single isn't as bad as I once thought it was.

I need a new recipe to try out. I feel stagnant. I also need to start planning my Christmas cards and my gifties. I already bought a few today off of Etsy. (Down and out Chic) I still have my dad to buy for, which will probably be the most difficult, considering he's into zero things that most dads are into (minus baseball, but I hate baseball with a fiery passion).

I wanted this Christmas to be a handmade Christmas. So I plan on making everything myself or shopping Etsy. That's why I have to plan so far in advance.

I work long days the next two days. And I can feel myself getting sick in the chest again. Maybe I need to take more meds. I hate medicating.

Thrifty is hard sometimes.

It's recently come to my attention that I might have lived a little too large for my meager little paycheck. (Oh thank you, nearly forgotten car payment, for snapping me back to reality.)

Most of my money spent was on food and clothing. Food being the "dining out" variety.

Well, that sucks... a lot. So I'm being forced to, somehow, live on the next two weeks with a spendable budget of less than $100. No restaurants, I guess. Hello to mooching leftovers and eating mayo+tuna sandwiches.

That said, I've realized that, outside of food, clothing purchases have come to make up a large portion of my spending. Not really a good thing. Since I already have a ton of clothes, I might put myself on a clothing freeze. I might get a chance this weekend to re-evaluate my closet and it's residents. I need to do this. I'm allowing myself to enter Gap between the 1st and 4th of October for a sale... but that's it. I need to cut back dramatically. Here is my plan:

1 - Reworking current belongings to make them work in my current wardrobe. Hopefully I can get creative with a few pieces and make something "new." We'll see how that goes.

2 - I'm sure I'll find things that I've forgotten I own. Free shopping is always a good thing.

3 - Consignments. I need to start shopping at second hand stores more often. I use to do this semi-regularly... but lately I've been all about pretty new things rather than new-to-me things -- New-to-me is almost always as good.

4 - Dine out less. (Or less expensively.) This weekend, I'm seeing "The Informant!" with my momma. We were going to eat out somewhere (Olive Garden would have been awesome) but now we're eating popcorn because I found a handy little coupon. We'll kill two birds with one stone this way. Of course, she wants to swing by Starbucks and be a pricey date, but that's no big thing because I still have a giftcard. Haha!

5 - Mooch a little off others. Yes, I stole left overs from my Meemaw last night. I blame the fact that Stephanie Plum (if you are female, you need to read Janet Evanovich's novels, ok?) gets leftovers from her mother all the time. Since I still live with my mother (and she rarely cooks), my Meemaw is next in line.

So... now I just have to make it to next Friday. Payday, you cannot come fast enough. I already have you partially spent.

2 recipes, 2 nights.

Tuesday was Chicken Curry night, tonight was Garlicky Lemony Pasta (this is my official name for it). Both were pretty delicious. I figured, since I haven't updated much lately, I'd take this opportunity to share some recipes with you.

First, the chicken curry.

It takes me about an hour and 30 minutes to make. This is because of all the chopping. I am not super fast and I find that cutting raw chicken breast into cube-like structures is difficult. If you buy the chicken tenders, it's a bit easier.

Ingredients:

2 pounds skinless chicken breast
2-3 onions, chopped
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
3 cloves minced garlic
1/3 teaspoon ground ginger
1.5 teaspoon paprika
3.5-4.5 tablespoons curry powder (depending on how spicy you like it)
1/2 teaspoon white sugar
1 lemon, juiced
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper (more if you want more spice)
1.5 tablespoon tomato paste
1 pinch salt
1/4 cup olive oil
chicken broth (plus water, if needed) to cover
brown or white rice (instant is easiest)

Directions:

1. In a small bowl, combine cinnamon, ginger, paprika, curry powder, sugar and salt. Mince garlic and set aside.

2. Fry the onions in olive oil until browned. Add the spice mixture and garlic. Continue stirring for 2 minutes. Mixture will become much like a paste.

3. Add chicken pieces and tomato paste. Add enough water to just cover the chicken. Simmer until chicken is done, about 20 minutes. (Now is a good time to start the rice.)

4. Just before serving, add the lemon juice and the cayenne pepper. Simmer for 5 more minutes. Serve over rice.

Once you have everything cut up (and the spices mixed together), it really only takes about half an hour to make.


The Garlicky Lemony Pasta is as follows (and is super easy to make and very fresh/light tasting).

Ingredients:

about 2 teaspoons grated lemon zest (two lemons)
about 2 teaspoons grated orange zest (one orange)
4 cloves minced garlic
1/3 cup chopped parsley (I'm told spinach is good, I'm also sure basil would be fantastic)
1 1/2 teaspoons lemon juice (I just squeezed both lemons over the bowl)
a sprinkle of salt (I like to keep this minimal and allow each person to salt to taste)
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 cup olive oil
1 lb linguine

Directions:

1. In a small bowl, mix grated lemon and orange zests, garlic, parsley (or substitute), lemon juice, salt, pepper and oil.

2. Cook the linguine until done. Drain and toss with sauce.

Yes... it's that easy. It would be great as a side with chicken. I baked some tomatoes with some parmesan cheese, oregano and olive oil. Tonight was meatless.

In fact, I believe my entire day was... weird.

Back to the recipe. I might try making extra sauce one of these days and marinate some chicken in it... see what happens.

So tomorrow, I work late (until 6)... so this will probably be all the cooking I do for the week. And I have very little else to share.

I might be seeing Post Grad this weekend. There's also the company picnic. And reading. I plan on finishing "Fishbowl" at some point this weekend.

Ok, so... bye.

Dear Limited Readers...

Ok, so I'm pretty sure I've mentioned Lush before. If I haven't, let me introduce you.

LUSH.

Soaps, shampoos, lotions and massage bars (etc.) made with natural (or safe synthetics) ingredients.

Anyway, I bought some awesome shampoo and soap when I was in DC (in Georgetown, if you're there and planning on shopping -- I also recommend Paper-Source).

When I got home, I got the itch for more Lush stuff, so in a moment of fiscal irresponsibility, I bought Mask of Magnaminty, Karma shampoo and got a free sample of Vanilla Delite lotion. (The shipping is a little outrageous, but face masques and lotions weigh a lot.)

When I opened the box, my Mask of Magnaminty was wet. I figured it was just a loose cap, so I dried the container off and sat it by the sink. I used it a few days later and I see a ring of wetness around the bottom. Again, I assume water got splashed up, so I dry it up.

A week later (approximately) I go to use it again and I see the same ring. When I open the product, it is noticeably drier (not TOO dry, I can still use it). Now I know it's leaking... so I contact Lush and tell them all this.

And what do they do?

...

They offer to send me another Mask of Magnamity!
Considering I have a big jar though (it's definitely usable once I transfer it to a better container) and the expiration date is approximately 3 months from now, I express interest in one of the samples they sent me.

So, they gave me the option. I can:
A) get another jar of Mask of Magnaminty, no charge.
B) get a refund of the purchase price put back on my credit card or
C) get a jar of Dark Angel (the sample I loved) + a refund of the difference in price to my credit card.

Well, hell. I chose C. That's awesome!

I loved Lush before... now I wish it was a man so I could marry it.

:)

Everytime I come here, I get writers block.

So, not much has been going on. I'm still reading and trying to get back into the gym swing of things. It's hard, but I've got to try and keep myself healthy.

I've been working 6 days a week, so my creativity block has fallen by the wayside. It's cool though... I'll be heading back to my "home branch" next week. I'm actually a little sad about this, but what can I do, really?

It could be so much worse, so I won't complain too much.

My sister is away at the beach this week and it's really strange not having her around. It's giving my time to read though. Hah. It's hard to do that when someone else is demanding your attention.

Imissher.

I'm finishing up "Jennifer Johnson is Sick of Being Single." It's a pretty typical chick lit book... but some of it is hysterical. Overall, it's been a good read and I'm pretty sure I'd recommend it to a girl who's looking for a nice read. Boys -- well -- I don't think they'd enjoy it.

Next up? "Shopaholic Takes Manhattan." Then some romance novel Janet Evanovich wrote with someone else. The name of the game is silly reading. Nothing serious. I'll try and squeeze in a serious book after "High Five."

Um, yeah. Ok. That's my update. Sad, I know.

Ok, ok. Work[out] in progress.

Between adjusting to a full-time work schedule and finding time to read and create (not to mention plain old boredom), my workouts have taken a nosedive.

I used to hit the gym before or after work and run the elliptical for 30-60 minutes. This burned anywhere from 300 calories (on a light day) to 650 calories on a kiss-ass day. Then I'd also throw in some strength training. I managed to lose about 15 lbs.

Well, I've put about 5-ish of those pounds back on. I've gotten lazy, but I'm also loving italian subs and cake right now. Needless to say, this cannot continue unchecked.

So, last night, I forced the Y upon myself. The plan was 3 10-minute sessions of cardio with strength training in between. I started with the elliptical because I figured I was most familiar with it. I was bored, did my 10 minutes and got off. I did some inclined sit-ups and seated leg presses and moved onto the stairmaster/elliptical hybrid thingy -- did about 10 minutes on there.

I did a chest press, some tricep pulldown type things and worked my inner and outer thighs.

The stationary bikes were next. Let me tell you what... I had to do about 20 minutes on those to do as much as 10 minutes on the other machines. Unless you are a true-blue beginner, I'd say these are a waste of time. Probably good for warm-ups -- not at all good for actual cardio burn.

Anyway, the weird thing was, the higher sitting bike made my left knee ache. It still hurts a little. It was weird.

I'm going to go back to the elliptical tomorrow. I'll do 10 minutes there, then 10 minutes trying out the row machine and another 10 on the elliptical. Or maybe I'll do those last 10 on the stairmaster/elliptical thingy.

Anyway you slice it, I'm not doing the bike. No way.

But, god, I'm so bored with it.

On Wednesday, I get off work at 2. I'm picking up my momma from work and we're gonna go to the PA state museum or whatever it's called. We needed something to do that doesn't cost money. It's only $3 to get in. I'll have to steer clear of the gift shop though. I know they have some cute things there.

Also, I'm in love with Joe Morrelli. Considering I am on a man haitus and he is a fictional character, I'm taking a break from the Stephanie Plum novels. Only a book or two break though. I've got "Gods Behaving Badly" to read and I put a book on hold from the local library. Then I'll go back to Stephanie (and Joe<3) for book 4 of the series.

I can't believe it's Monday already. I've decided to make baked ziti tonight. I'm going old school this week and making tuna noodle casserole, too. :) Not the ghetto version, the real way.

It amazes me how little I have to say lately. There's really not too much going on and I don't know whether I love this fact or hate it. Part of me wishes I had more to do, the other part thinks I'm nuts for thinking that because I'm constantly exhausted.

But life's too short! I want to do things... I just don't know what.

As for now, I have to balance my check book. I spent a bit of money this weekend. Mostly on good food, of course. That's how I roll. Forget designer clothes, I want bitchin' cheeseburgers and onion straws!

*gasp* Yay!

So tomorrow's adventure is Thai food at Bangkok Wok.
Well, first, Allison and I are watching "The Proposal." (We even have popcorn money!) THEEEEEN we're getting Thai.

She's never had Thai.
And I need Pad Thai.
I think Alli started an addiction.

After food, I'm coming home and working on my painting/mixed media piece so that I have something to update A girl and happenstance with... I don't want it to go stagnant, after all.

I had a [nightmare].

You were here. Then you left.
You didn't even say goodbye.

I called.
Something about Amanda.

I cried. I said "You just left? Without saying goodbye?"
I cried.

I cried and you said "So, can't we just be friends?"
I gasped. I cried harder and I said "Fine, you want to know everything? I'm going to tell you everything."

Then I started to spill my soul all over my front yard. I yelled and cried into the phone.
I wanted you. To be with you. To hear your and touch you everyday.
I was just about to get to the soul-wrenching part.
I was going to tell you I love you.

I woke up.

Perhaps Freud would tell me I needed closure.
But my conscious mind wasn't quite ready for it.

Well, I'm going to do this myself.
It's obvious that the universe is [and has been] telling me what I need to do, now I just need to do it.

I wish I could turn this into a novel. Maybe I could become a best seller.
Perhaps since you're stealing my dream space, I could at least steal your dream.

The DC Trip

Mothman
Originally uploaded by christina85

Ok, so I arrived in DC on Friday night. We decided to get beer. We hung out at the house & watched Fight Club since I had never seen it before. It was very weird... which was to be expected from a Palahnuik. We went to bed.

Well, I slept on the loveseat and I actually got a good night's sleep.

All the girls in the house are lovely.
Oh, and I was in love with the bathroom... maybe not the dirty shower curtain, but whatever. It wasn't disgusting, haha.

Anyway... Saturday we left the house around 11:30. I rode the Metro. This was quite an experience. I've never ridden a subway before -- The cars sway. I was not a huge fan and made a note of this for next time: bring dramamine.

We got off the metro and took a bus to shop in Georgetown. I spent way too much. It was fantastic. I spent approximately $20 on a few sheets of big paper at Paper-Source. (Hopefully I get a creative streak soon... on a day off so I can draw or paint on this. The paper is awesome and natural and it will be so much fun to work with.) I also bought a cute reusable bag that rolls up real small to fit in your purse. This will come in handy whenever I go shopping. No more plastic bags! Save the environment! GO GREEN!

Another highlight was this cute little used bookstore where I found an artist book on Egon Schiele.

OH, and if you're EVER in DC, you must must must find Raku and eat the Pad Thai. AMAZING. Seriously. I will eat there next time I visit.
There was also a yogurt place we stopped at... and I cannot remember what it was called for the life of me.

Let's see, what else happened? Oh, yes. LUSH!
I stumbled upon a Lush store in Georgetown. I said "Ohmygod, wehavetogoinhere." Both of us spent far too much on soapy products. It's so worth it though, my hair smelled delicious after I wiped Godiva all over it. I also love Karma and Sexy Peel something or other soap.

Anyway, until we were done shopping, most of the museums were closed, so we headed back to the house and we hung out again... went to a mall to grab some food and Noodles and Company (I love this place simply because they sell buttered noodles). Then we went back to the house and watched The Little Mermaid and discussed life in general.

I was up until 2 am. This is both unusual and awesome.

Sunday, I was awake at 6:45. The sun was beating in the window at me. It was lovely, but it was way too early. I couldn't fall back asleep, so I watched some news until someone else woke up. We went to get brunch with a few other people and I paid $18 for an omelet. It was a good omelet, but I'm pretty sure this purchase was the only shocker.

After being raped for an omelet, we hit up the Hirshhorn. I love modern art. Jasper Johns, Alberto Giacometti, Robert Rauschenberg, Alexander Calder, Sol Lewitt, Willem de Kooning, so many others. Oh, it was a mindgasm. I loved the fact that you can see imperfections in the actual artist pieces. It makes me feel better that it wasn't perfect... it only looks perfect in a textbook because they have to shrink it down.

The Hirshorn was fantastic.

I didn't take many photos while I was in DC. When I was at the Hirshhorn, I turned the camera on and all of the sudden my batteries were low. Besides, most of what I looked at was inside and there were museum workers everywhere! I didn't really feel like being chastised for taking photos. I wasn't sure of the policy.

After the Hirshhorn, we hit up Eastern Market. I found some cool little glass slides for my photographer of a father, but I think I appreciated them more than he did. Anyway, I kind of thought that make they'd make good coasters too. Useful art. By the time we got back to the house, it was time for me to hit the road.
It was a fantastic weekend. SO much fun and just what I needed.

This whole trip reminded me that life is only as fun, exciting and fulfilling as you make it.
Not a bad lesson learned for a two day trip. :)

PS: There were so many people everywhere! I felt so small town. No one makes eye contact or really interacts with anyone spontaneously. It was strange for me, as a small town girl, to be walking down a street and not smiling and greeting everyone I passed.

(click here for more p365 photos)

Goodbye funk, hello adventure!

I'm going to drive myself to D.C. this weekend.

Why, might you ask, would I do something silly like that?
Because I should.
Because I have a weekend!
(Weekends don't happen in my world. Not often. )
Because I've been in an inescapable funk for the past, er, month and I needed to snap myself out of it.
Because a lovely girl (from here on out will be referred to as LG) who lives there sent me photos of the paper at Georgetown's Paper-Source.
Oh, and because LG rocks and has also offered me a roof to sleep under. :)

So far the only two planned things are a trip to Paper-Source, where I will inevitably fall in love and want to live/work there. I will also charge WAY too much paper to my credit card, I'm sure.

Eastern Market (I believe is the name) is a flea market there. LG hasn't gone yet and it looks pretty fun, if you ask me.

Also, I'll be on the lookout for used book stores. I'll be spending too much there too.

I'm excited. A little scared out of my mind for the drive, but other than that, I think it's going to be a good weekend. I need this. :)

My brain wants something visually and intellectually stimulating.

I requested some information from Mansfield regarding their [online] Art History degree. There's no way I can do the on campus school thing anymore because the real world beckons and it requires me to grow up and take on more responsibilities. This is why I think the internet is so freaking wonderful. Theoretically speaking, I should be able to transfer 67 of my 100-something credits to Mansfield. I would need to take 30 credits of Art History classes (so, about 10 classes). Sadly, one class with tuition and fees will cost over $700. I'd also need to take a few more gen. ed. classes/minor classes to bring me up to the 120 credits required to get a bachelor's from the university.

I'm thinking about applying though and starting with one class. I don't know what the workload would be like and I don't want to overburden myself. Really, I'm not in a huge rush to get this done, although I would probably be able to get financial aid a bit easier if I were taking more than one class. I'm sure they're not going to give me money for 3 credits.

Being a woman doesn't seem to get me very far in the applications for grants and all.

Anyway, it's probably an endless quest for me. I don't like feeling stagnant or like I don't have any goals to meet. I don't like feeling like my brain isn't absorbing new and stimulating conversation and information. There's also the fact that I miss analyzing and writing about pieces of art. The history, the philosophy of the artist, how their lives/faith/culture affected their art... or even how their art affected their culture. It's all so interesting! I miss writing papers! That almost sounds like crazy talk.

My eyelids are heavy again... already.

I should probably call the school today to tell them about the damn letter I got (stating I didn't pay my Occupational taxes). I need to remember to print off the proof that I did, in fact pay the taxes and the check was cashed/deposited.

... I'm still angry.

Yesterday I felt particularly violent. There was some asshole driver on my way home. I drove 5 miles over the speed limit because there were cops EVERYWHERE and that's about as much as you can get away with. Well, this IDIOT rode my ass the entire time he was behind me. Then he passed me and rode the ass of a school van for another couple miles. When the van finally had enough of it... it slowed down so it could pull off the side of the road and let him pass. What does the asshole do? He lays on his horn. GOD, I HATE PEOPLE. So I sped up and I made sure that as he was slowing down to turn, I was on HIS ass. I would have laid on my horn but (1) I don't want to die in a fit of road rage and (2) my horn is high pitched and silly sounding. It would have sounded totally funny... a high pitch "Eeeeeeeeeeeeep."

I'm going to have to sit down and discuss potential vacation plans with her.

... I just saw there is a show called "Dance Your Ass Off" on Oxygen. Oh dear god, that is stupid.

I didn't know it was supposed to rain today, and that's what I woke up to. There's more on the way. Yesterday, I could have sworn, it said today was supposed to be partly cloudy. All week, in fact. I don't know why that matters. It doesn't. I'm just tired and I wish I wasn't awake right now.

In fact, I have no idea why I did wake up this early... I showered last night. There is no need for me to be conscious yet.

P365: "Three"

Three
Originally uploaded by christina85

One of my favorites so far.
Simplicity makes me smile.

And now for the boring stuff called "life," an update of sorts.

I'm working full-time. I know, right?
I guess I'm [finally] becoming a grown-up or something like it.
Weird.

Anyway, my new goal is (1) getting my own place ASAP (because it's about time!) and (2) paying down my not-so-big-but-too-big-for-me debt.

A list of things I will need for when I get out of this place and into my own?
- A bigger bed (and therefore, bedsheets)
- A couch.
- A fabulously beat up coffee table.
- Fabulously beat up bookshelves. (These things need to be beat up so I can have my way with them, creatively.)
- Internet.
- Frames and photos. (Because I'm going to need color in my life.)
- A mirror.
- Silverware, glasses and plates. (Bowls too, I suppose.)

In other words, I should probably still plan on selling my soul to the highest bidder because all of that costs money that I don't have yet. Haha.

[untitled]

I've been waiting to breathe, but won't allow myself too.
Contradictions. Stubborness. It's all so damaging.

(Or maybe protective. I can't quite figure it out.)

Either way, today's sucky horoscope might have been accurate. Oh well.

Head Clutter. (from elsewhere)

Listen, I'm upset about particulars. I'm also tired as death of caring... But I also can't help but care. Such is the life of a 20something girl who's still learning about herself.

Of course, this learning process never ends, so I should get used to being tired.

I love. I hate. I'm passionate and apathetic. I'm not crazy, I'm lovely. Someone will eventually wake up next to me passionately in love. I'll look at them and breathe them in.

They'll kiss me on my collarbone, near my heart, and I'll skip a beat for them. A tiny death and a resurrection.

Don't mind me, I ramble on. I don't know what I'm talking about but I know it means everything.

They'll save me from myself and I will save them. We will live for ourselves and our love. We'll be everything and imperfect. Maybe we'll make babies and they'll grow into someone who shares our ideals or maybe they'll be completely different. They'll have tiny tragedies and big ones and love and hate and be imperfect too. They'll be beautiful though. Absolutely.

But I am the one that doesn't know anything. Silly girl, right? Just looking for frivolity and nonchalant relations. Who needs meaning when you can have easy? So many times I haven't been "worth the trouble."

Well, guess what, I am. I am.

All I could ever give you, all I can ever give, is all of me. My love, healing, acceptance and soul. That is enough. That is me. I am worth the trouble.

I am worth a risk. A fight. A potential heartache.

And I'm tired or hanging on to the edge of the cliff. I might let go. So go ahead and step on my fingers.

Goodnight.

It's been a while since I've posted here.

FAIL, right?

Well, lately I've been plagued by a silly crush.
I've also been plagued by thoughts of a reoccurring kind.
A previous "crush" I suppose you'd call it.

I used the quotes because... well, I considered more than a crush on my end.

I feel like I'm working non-stop. (Although I'm not, otherwise I could and would live all on my own. That would be fantastic and awesome.)
I've been cooking more.

Turkey enchiladas are being made tomorrow.
Shrimp scampi on Tuesday.
Baked Ziti on Wednesday (but I'm putting it together tomorrow).

Oh, and I NEED to clean tomorrow. My room has been taken over by clutter and disgustingness. It is absolutely terrible.

I want to paint on Tuesday. I really do.
And sometimes this week, I have to put the FAFSA together for my sister.

That's what I've been up to. Nothing new or exciting or dangerous.
Same old stuff.
Different month.

You know how in "Yes Man"...

Ok, so I haven't seen the movie... or read the book... but the premise is kind of interesting. Having to say "Yes" to any proposition that comes your way. Perhaps I should apply that idea** to my life and see where it leads me.

I've turned down a few opportunities because I am afraid I cannot do them. But really, so WHAT if I fail a little at something. SO WHAT if I'm not the best? If I don't try, I'll never, ever know... right?

Interesting thought.

Also, I want a vacation. I want to get away. I want to forget responsibilities for a little while. I need to be rejuvenated.

Do those two thoughts seem... counterproductive?

** Within reason. Nothing too stupid or illegal.