I'm a little late, but this is what I'm watching this morning.

The presidential debate.
I heard McCain won... but I'll probably think differently because, well, McCain can never win in my mind.

But, I should watch it and keep an open mind. *deep breath*

Ugh.

Life can be very sucky sometimes.

I'm going to try to sleep now.

Please remember. Sometimes beauty is discovered through ugliness.

Something beautiful.

Are you there God, It's me... Christina.

Please, stop sending me boys.
I would like a man.
Or at least a dude.
Or the dude.

Something other than a boy.
Something other than a man-child.

Ok, thanks.



In other news... I had a good time tonight out with friends.
It was very nice. Once again, I am happy I didn't listen to everyone else when it came to J.
He's pretty cool now, after all. ;-)


Good night, dear reader (because I think I have all of one, haha).

My first day.

It kind of felt like the first day of school.
I didn't do much of anything. I observed.

Tomorrow I have to actually start DOING things.
So I'm even more nervous now.

I hope my drawer balances at the end of the day.
I hope I can remember how to do things.
I hope people like me. :-P


Now, I am watching Ghosthunters.
I love that show.
I have to wake up early again today.
I have to be at work by 8:30. Showered and looking purdy.

Oh, and after work, I will go directly to a Health exam.
And I have to read half a chapter for Environmental Science and half a chapter for Psychology.
Then I have to do discussion boards.

I should have put more paint on my oil painting... I hope I can at least get a C in that class.

I think I've caught up on life now.
I want to see that new Dane Cook movie.

A fear that has plagued me since I discovered I hated the thought of a Graphic Design career.

I just read the first chapter of my Foundations of Education textbook.
Am I cut out to be a teacher? Or will this be just another failed attempt?
Another degree that will gather dust?

You see, I have a problem.
I have not discovered my "passion."
All I actually know is that I feel best when I'm helping others feel good... when I'm helping others succeed.

I also know that I love love love the written word.
And I love love love the visual world.

This brings me to the possibility of two things.
Art Education (which really would play nicely into my adoration of all things art history).
English (Secondary Education).

Getting an English degree would be easier and more convenient than Art Education, but art has grabbed me. I love the creativity of others. I admire it for them.

But there's also so much creativity in English.
Writing is its own art form.
(Arabs had it right when they created their calligraphy. Words should be pretty.)


Then again, how am I to know if teaching is right for me. Maybe it would drain me. Maybe I would hate the kids. (I mean, I know I want to work with HS students because at least I can swear at them if they're bratty! Haha.)

I don't know if I'm wasting my time and I don't know if I have the energy or the money to keep going. I am so exhausted. I have no idea how people can work full time and go to school full time!
(Kudos to you, Kristi!)

I'm just so afraid that I'm wasting my time.
I might take next semester off, just to let all this thinking sink in throughly.
But first, I have to get through this semester successfully.

Which means I have to stop typing, for now, and go do a discussion board question.
And watch a teaching video.

I am grounded, I am humble, I am one with everything ("I like giants," Kimya Dawson)

Tonight, as I was walking, I realized I was smiling.
Maybe it was the shooting star I saw (they always make me smile).
Or maybe something just... clicked.

I stood up for myself.
I stood up for someone else.
I stood up.

And I've been doing it.
I think it's a good thing.

Tonight I realized I regained my control.

And I hope this feeling lasts.

Today, I get to go to the Apple store.

This excites me, although... I can't really buy anything.
'Cause I'm poor. 'Cause I'm between jobs.
'Cause I spent too much money on alcohol and I've been using my credit card too much.

*sigh*

But it's gonna be pretty fun anyway.

Still, I want a new nano.
The colors are delicious.
The price makes me cry.

Each "heartbreak" gets easier.

I don't know why straight forward honesty is so much to ask for.
Everything I have to get over... it is doable.
I can get over it.

The fact of the matter is... this one was almost expected, after the way last week went.
Whatever.

The heartbreak before this... that was the beast.
I still think of that one. Often.
I don't want to forget it.
I would have rather got hurt than not experienced that one at all.

Beauty in the Breakdown? That one had it. Still does.

It's not drunken honesty after you sober up.
It's just honesty. That's what I've got.

I can't stand that there is another girl who has may have been drug into a hole, Mr. Latest.
Maybe it's not a big deal, maybe she climbed right out or maybe she even just accepted the hole as much as I've accepted the latest decision made.

Still, it's not you who holds the power to hurt me most.
I apparently did not hand that power over to you, Mr. Latest.

I have to go to bed. I have a full weekend ahead of me.
Maybe I'll even get MORE homework done.


PS: Georgie -- Specifics are at my Vox. (Just to give you a heads up.)

Love and all things like it.

No one, not even the smartest people, actually KNOW what they are doing when it comes to love.

I don't know if that's the ugly or the beauty of it.

Two honest people can fall for each other at the wrong time and in the wrong situations.
Words can create such a bond, even when lacking actual physical touch.
And physical touch can be the most painful and most comforting thing at the same time.

How can love be so full of obvious contradictions?
It hurts and heals.
It bends sometimes. Other times, it breaks.
It can bring you up and down.

It is a roller coaster ride. A most thrilling one.
That's why people seek it.

I just read a lot of emotional purging tonight amongst my friends.
(Online and off.)

I'm in the midst of some of my own confusion regarding love and things like it.

It is contradictions, all the way through.
And I see the ugly and the beauty.
And it's captivating, either way.

Dreams.

I had some crazy dreams last night.
But I don't remember any of them.

I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall back asleep.

I've decided that I want to see "Ghost Town."
And I'm in love with hulu.com.

I saw on the late night news that the Obama campaign has received threatening letters and they've included racial slurs. It makes me so angry that people are still stuck in the days where skin color means anything more than a differing level of melanin. It's ridiculous that racism is still a part of daily life for non-whites. (Whites, by the way, will soon be the minority in America.)

I don't have too much to talk about this morning. Maybe I'll have something later today.
I still need to read a chapter for my Environmental class. Maybe I'll even get to post on the discussion boards for my classes.