Secret?

I would love nothing more than to melt into you again.
And again.
And again.



It's Saturday today.
I think I get to watch movies.
I hope I get to run to Bath and Body Works (gotta get my Meemaw a Christmas present).
But first, I get to work.

PS: Starbucks drinks and how you can do some good. Order (Starbucks)red drinks!

Call me.

I would like to think that one day you will look back and wonder as you smile.
"What if?"

When you do this, call me.
I'll let you in on the fact that I knew it was more than lust from the start.

If.

If you had looked like all the rest.
If you had thought like all the rest.
If you had been like all the rest.

I wouldn't be stuck on repeat.
I never would have cared.



Happy turkey day.

Introspection on the drive home.

Something that I could do without regarding the holidays is this thing it does to my head.
You know, it forces me to re-examine where I am in life, what I want and where I feel I want to go.

Usually, I try to lie to myself... convince myself that I am happy and just fine.
Blah blah.

The truth is, everyone around me is paired.
It forces me to recognize that I want that too.

Of course, this is not new.
But I'm not talking about a date... or something frivolous.

I really want that kind of "I would gladly dive into the unknown with you" kind of love.
The kind that makes you courageous.
You know the type -- where you're willing to go the distance just to hold their hand as they fall asleep.

Where one smile is enough to turn a rotten day around.

It's just so frustrating because it's impossible to find it here.
I don't really have a life that makes me mingle with available men.
Even at school, most were taken, stupid, gay or heinously ugly. (Or a combination of the three.)

Also, my area marries young. Most people my age are either in a very committed relationship, engaged or married. Some even have a house and children.

I don't need that.

I mean, I'd like to get married. But more importantly, I want someone who is going to be around through the thick and thin of life. I don't run away when things get scary or weird. I need that kind of loyalty and respect from someone else.

And I don't need a ring to know that I have that. I'll know simply through their sticking around when I have the flu or staying up all night with me when I cannot sleep because there's a terrible tragedy in my life or sticking around to talk it out when we have a huge fight. It's emotional security. I want it so bad.

I think I'm at a point where I can do this for someone else. I already do it for my friends... I am only more fiercely loyal to a significant other. (I think it's my Scorpio coming out of me or my Ox-like nature, according to Chinese astrology.)

I wish you wrote that for me.

I haven't written here in a few days. I assure you, I am still alive and kicking.

I'm frustrated and crazy, but still kicking.
I simply have very little to say.

The big little bit.

I don't know what to say.
Ever.

I don't know if it's because I hold my thoughts inside.
Or if it's just because my life is dull.

Maybe it's a bit of both.

Sharing my thoughts is too scary though sometimes.
And other times I feel like you should already know.

Maybe you do.

There's really not much I keep inside.
It's just a big little bit.
And I try to avoid it.

The Universe makes it hard.
Everything reminds me of you. [Isn't that a lousy cliche.]
It's always the same thing that bubbles inside me.
A crazy mix of love, lust, passion, fear, loss, mourning and hope.
It makes my heart twist.

It's why I hope for love.
It's why I fear I understand the "Better to have loved and lost..." quote.
It's why I feel hopeless sometimes... because I cannot, no matter how hard I try, keep my feet firmly in the reality of what is.

I don't want to.
I want it all.
But I want it all with you, most days. [I lie. Everyday. I want it everyday.]

I suppose this is a case where what you want and what you need are different.
But they feel the same.

Clouds.

Love, please laugh.
And smile (for real). <3

On a different note.

I need to do a final project for my painting class.
I need to dig down and do some artistic therapy.

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse.
I need to purge.
I need to be ok.

I will be ok.
Please don't take my posting from a few minutes ago as an "I give up."
It's really more of an "I'm so facking frustrated."
I throw my hands up because I know why I'm frustrated.

I'm not so naive.
I'm not so stupid.
I think far too much to be ignorant of my own thoughts.

I just don't think I can type them all out here.
I don't have an outlet.
So, I will make my art my outlet.
And then I will post that.

It will strip me emotionally raw.
And I think it's ok that way.

I don't know what to write about.

The only thing in my life that makes me feel ok right now is my job and the people I work with.

Right now, I feel drained.
I know I'm lucky. Sometimes I don't feel that way though.

I have to remind myself.
Because a lot of people do not have the support and love I have from a select few of my friends and my family.
My family really is fantastic, even though they do drive me up a wall sometimes.

Today, I just feel... lonely and frustrated with that loneliness.
And I am terribly bored. And terribly pessimistic with the thought of relationships.
I, honestly, am starting to feel that I'll never be married.
I don't even feel optimistic about finding someone who will be with me, in a secure commitment kind of way.

I don't need to be married... I just don't want to go through life without that kind of love. The possibility worries and depresses me.

It's frustrating because those who do not want to make any commitments seem to have so many options of who to be with that night.
And I go to bed alone.

Sometimes I don't know.

There are a few people who I'm sure have or had a reason for popping up in my life.
Then there are some that I'm not sure why I know them.

But I feel there must be a reason.

I mean, surely a universe would not thrust someone/something upon me just to see me squirm. There must be reason. Otherwise I have to change from "agnostic" to "atheist" and I'm just not ready for that.

That opens up a door of pointless relationships and lost causes.
I think sometimes I'd rather fool myself into believing that everyone and everything has purpose.

I guess the inquisition continues.
I'll just try to love everyone I know to the best of my ability.

That's all the universe can ask of me right now.
And I'm running low on that currently.

I need to recharge.

The morning after.

I'm sure some of the people reading this may feel like they slept with the ugly duckling at the bar and have many regrets this morning. I, personally, am not one of those.

I am ecstatic that Obama won. And idealist, intellectual, optimistic man has won the presidency.
Now, I just hope he makes real changes, like he's promised.

But, for those who may feel the political hangover.
Or feel the need to move out of the country* (which if you're looking for a "less liberal" country that isn't repressed, let me know where you find it)...

Here's a reminder.
The United States cannot pass budgets or tax plans or new programs through the president alone. Congress needs to approve. There are checks and balances.

Not to mention, I feel that Obama is open minded enough that he will listen to people who challenge him and take their thoughts into consideration. He appears, to me, that he genuinely wants to bring people together.

He's not a socialist. He has an idealist core. He wants to help those who need help. He feels that sharing is part of the American ideal. (Personally, I feel the same way. Sometimes we need to help those around us to maintain our own well being.)

That being said, the system itself needs a bit of an overhaul to get it back to a point where only those who need the help are getting it. We should not reward laziness. That should never be the point of "handouts." That's a whole different political posting, however.

Here's to the hope that this can, at least, change some of the ugliness that surfaced during the election regarding "funny names" and race. Here's to a more open minded nation and one that is open to healthy dialogue.

Here's to actually changing minds and giving a voice to those who felt they had none.
Let's try to make America awesome again.

PS: I will go back to my pointless rambling later today, I promise.

* I was only going to leave the country if Palin became president. If McCain had won and stayed healthy and alive, I would have remained in the country.

Happy Birthday to me.

So, my birthday was ok.
Worked from 8 to 5.
Had supper with my mom.

Insert a pissy part here.

And now I am super ok again.
Because I am trying to think positively and independently.
Trying. Key word. Heh.