The random musings of a girl

Pad Frai

2010-01-05T18:15:00.001-05:00

So, the Pad Thai recipe I tried tonight was… not Pad Thai.
Not even close, really.

But it was good. It tasted like stir-fry. I’m guessing it probably took me about 45 minutes to do all this… because chopping all the veggies is time consuming (for me).

Therefore, I’m calling this a win and I’m sharing the recipe with all my alterations.
(Obviously I’ve named it “Pad Frai.”)

[con't to A Girl & Happenstance for recipe.]

26 in 52: Problems already.

2010-01-03T21:02:00.002-05:00

Ok, so as you know (or maybe you don't), I'm reading 26 books in 52 weeks.
My first book, which I technically started in 2009, is Say You're One of Them.

I'm trying to decide whether it's going to be worth the struggle to get through it. The stories are good and touching. Childhood in third world area is hard. The first story was about childhood prostitution and, basically, drug use to numb the pain of starving. The second story is touching on poverty and AIDS.

[continued on A Girl & Happenstance]

Garden Eggs and Baconbuttercheese Potatoes.

2009-12-27T14:38:00.000-05:00

We shall start with the Garden Eggs because [1] it’s a breakfast food and [2] it feeds 8 normally hungry people (or 5 very hungry ones).

You will need:

* at least 8 eggs (I used 9)
* a small container of ricotta cheese ( I believe it’s 10 or 12 oz.)
* 1/2 cup of milk
* 1/2 teaspoon of dried basil
* 1/4 teaspoon of salt
* 1/4 teaspoon of pepper (I used more… because I love pepper.)
* 10 oz. frozen spinach, thawed (If you put it in the fridge overnight it will ALMOST be thawed by morning. Easier — defrost in the microwave.)
* 1 cup of chopped tomatoes (I used three Roma tomatoes)
* 8 oz. of shredded mozzarella
* a small bunch of green onions, sliced
* 1/2 cup of salami, diced (pepperoni would be good too)

Chop veggies and crack eggs into a large mixing bowl. Add all other ingredients. Mix all together until evenly distributed. Spread the mixture into a greased 13×9 inch pan.

The recipe I followed said to bake it for 35 minutes at 325, but it was not cooked all the way through. I say set the oven at 350 and check it after 35 minutes. If the eggs look set, you’re probably baked through. To double check, insert a toothpick into the middle, if it comes out clean, remove the eggs from the oven. Allow them to sit for 10 minutes before serving.

And there you have it, eggs for 8 (or 5 very hungry people).

Now for the Baconbuttercheese Potatoes.

You will need:

* 3 lbs. of potatoes (It says peeled and diced, but if you have potatoes with a thin skin, save yourself and leave the skin on.)
* 16 oz. sour cream (Use low fat to save yourself as much guilt as possible.)
* 1/2 cup of butter, melted (This is why you should use the low fat sour cream… a stick of butter.)
* 8 oz. of shredded sharp cheddar
* 5 slices of bacon, cooked and crumbled (I used 8. We like bacon and I used low fat sour cream.)
* Optionally, you can have extra cheddar cheese for serving.

Dice potatoes and boil until mashable. Drain the water and add potatoes to a large mixing bowl. Also add sour cream, melted butter, cheese and bacon. Pour evenly into a greased 13×9 inch pan. Bake at 350 for 20 minutes. Feeds 8 people (or 5 very hungry people).

Time is so hard to come by these days.

2009-12-26T21:28:00.001-05:00

Hopefully I'll have time tomorrow to share two new recipes with you. One for a baked omelet, one for a mashed 'tater casserole.

Crossing my fingers.

PS:

2009-12-19T09:19:00.003-05:00

It was nice to be on blogger for a while, but I'm moving on to Wordpress. It's a bit more user friendly and has more options, should I ever want to have my own domain and fight with CSS code to create my own design.

It also has the nice option to password protect certain entries. I like that.

You can find me here. So I'm definitely not disappearing. Just add me to your bookmarks, follow me, RSS feed me, whatever. I'd love to have actual readers.

I'll be cross posting for a little while to make the "transition" smoother in case anyone actually DOES read this stuff.

Long and rambling, but possibly worth your time? Maybe not, but you won't know until you read it.

2009-12-19T08:48:00.002-05:00

There are times when I think, "You know, it could be easier. Maybe even better. Who knows."
But I've always hesitated because it wasn't my style. To give up on something just because it's a little more difficult. There are bound to be snags along any way.

I've never been afraid of difficulty. Utter boredom, yes. Settling, yes. Meaninglessness, yesyesyes.
But never difficulty.

Sometimes though, difficulty reaches a point where you do get bored with it. It doesn't become a learning curve, it becomes something to deal with. Something that slowly loses meaning. Something that becomes your life.

There are a few things on my mind. Work is one. Love is another.

Work is work. I love my coworkers and there are days when I love my job. I have quite a few customers that make me smile. But there is also a visible side of humanity that is arrogant, rude and deceitful. I could do without that. (So, people, please stop lying. Don't be a douchebag.)

Of course, I also need a vacation. Maybe my mini day off will help a little.

Taking classes towards Art History would be fun. As soon as I get my taxes done, I'm going to go online and use that FAFSA4caster tool to see a round-about guess at how much financial aid I could get. Hopefully it'll work. I cannot afford to take on any large sums of debt, even if it is for education. Especially because I'm not sure I'll even end up using the degree in any big capacity.

Art Ed would be cool, but that kind of thing is being fazed out too. Because art's important, but it's not math or science... even though it can be linked TO math and science. Funny how all the subjects they teach in high school are inextricably linked together.

Besides, no one would ever pay for an art tutor at this point.

Sorry, tangent. (Cosine and sine.)

And love. Ah, love. That filthy son-of-a-bitch that keeps chipping away at my mental state. Word to the wise, don't try to make sense of anything. Love is ridiculous. There is no sense in it. It's that word we give to the undeniable urge to make babies and carry on the human race. A human race that we humans will probably destroy on our own because we can't stop fighting. Because, you see, we don't actually believe in love. We like to think the concept is nice.

Except that I do believe in it and I actually do live it. I hold no ill feelings towards anyone in my life (save one person, but she doesn't count because she is the scum of the earth and the opposite of all things lovely). I give up things and feelings I like for the people I love.

Love is wearing me down. Well, the lack of actual physical touch by love. All I've got are words. Words that can build or break an entire empire, I believe.

Physical touch, I've got none of that. Not since Eric left, at least. He was the last person I touched (outside of family) that I could honestly say I loved. And yes, the touching went from sexual to friendly to cop-a-feel to friendly again (haha)... but I know he cared a lot about me. Actually, he cares about a lot of people... his hugs made me feel protected.

Words. Words. Words. That's what I've got now. It was nice to have Eric around because he gave me more than words, even if it wasn't a lover-relationship, it was meaningful. All was good.

"Meaningful" is pretty necessary in my life. Everything I do has meaning. I require it. What is worth doing if it doesn't mean something to you deep in your soul? Life is so short. The earth has been around for approximately 4.5 billion years. We live on it for 100 years, if you're lucky enough to get old. That's a ratio of 1:45,000,000.

That's pretty pathetically short. And if I live to be 100, I've already used up almost a quarter of my time. I might be lucky to see 80 considering the cancer that runs on my dad's side. So really, I've used up 30% of my allotted time. What if I don't even live that long? What if I die tragically young? That kind of thing happens. (Though I can honestly say I'm going to do everything in my power to stop it from happening to me.)

So why should I purposely waste my time? Everything needs to have meaning. Eric was my partner in crime. (Something I ultimately want in a lover-relationship.) Even if we were just watching a movie, it was meaningful because he is awesome.

I also know I want someone who's willing to compromise with me. I'll give up a little if they give up a little and, in the end, it will work out even better than either of us expected. That sort of thing. I want to spend my remaining days on earth not settling for less. I want to be a partner in crime and I want to see places I only dreamed about. I want to be something better. I want to make someone else stronger. I want to shape minds. I want to be a foundation. A steady rock for someone.

But I need that in return too.
I'm ready for that. And I guess when it's ready for me, it will actually find me, hold me and keep me warm.
Until then, I have words. I'll use my flannel PJs and sweatshirts to keep me warm. And I'll hold myself.
I'll make due. Because I can. Because I'm complete on my own.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to look up art classes because they'd make me feel more enriched than anything else.

What I've been up to lately.

2009-12-09T09:26:00.002-05:00

I realize it's been a while.

Friday night, Dane Cook::

Allison (my current partner in crime) and I went to see Dane. Yes. We're on a first name basis now, ok? It was a blasty-blast. Allison screamed obnoxiously as he came out and we laughed so hard -- even at the two opening acts, which I expected were not going to be as fun as the main act, but they were. They were great.

I can never remember their names though, damn it. One was an Al and the other a Robert.

Of course I bought a $35 t-shirt and a window cling (for each of us).

Tuesday night (aka: last night), Owl City::

The concert was good. Tweenage and teenage girls are such an annoying set though and unfortunately they made up 50% of the audience. Another 25% were their parents and the remaining were faculty and college students.

The music was good. (It was also too loud though. You know how things get real hard to understand, almost muffled, when it gets too loud. It was like that.) Adam Young (I learned his name last night, haha) is a pretty good performer, and I developed a girlcrush on the violinist. Damn, she was just adorable! The keyboardist/back-up singer too.

Actually, all the girls were cute. I wish I was any one of them.

I didn't buy anything at the show because (a) tweens and teens are annoying and (b) I'm so broke, it's sad.

Allison pointed out on girl who was applying blue chapstick to her lips for at least 5 minutes. She was hoping the girl's lips would turn blue. Sadly, they did not, but she did have a bunch of shine all up her upper lip. Shmexy.

A crappy side note::

My credit card bill is not what I'd like it to be. I ate out too much. And Christmas is a bummer. :(
Next month is a new month. It will all be ok. *sigh*

Back to the point of it::

So that's what I've been up to. I took the morning off to recuperate, though I probably wouldn't have needed to. It's nice to be laying in bed in a quiet house. Lovely. :)

I think I'll wait to do yoga until AFTER work. I'm just going to enjoy this quiet for now.
Yes.

Before I go, a photo::

Allison's cell phone takes better pictures than my BB. Fail.
We're still trying to figure out how we look like sisters, if at all.

HOW ARE WE SISTERS?!?

It's times like this that I am happy to be single.

2009-10-28T20:30:00.002-04:00

I'm in my PJs already. It's cold outside and I'm glad to be in. I have a busy weekend coming up because it's my birthday on Sunday. I can make plans as they come, since I'm not bogged down with trying to fit a significant other into my plans.

Not that it would be TERRIBLE, I'm just glad I don't have to balance that at the moment. I'm sure my mood will change once I feel like I have more time on my hands.

Anyway, being single isn't as bad as I once thought it was.

I need a new recipe to try out. I feel stagnant. I also need to start planning my Christmas cards and my gifties. I already bought a few today off of Etsy. (Down and out Chic) I still have my dad to buy for, which will probably be the most difficult, considering he's into zero things that most dads are into (minus baseball, but I hate baseball with a fiery passion).

I wanted this Christmas to be a handmade Christmas. So I plan on making everything myself or shopping Etsy. That's why I have to plan so far in advance.

I work long days the next two days. And I can feel myself getting sick in the chest again. Maybe I need to take more meds. I hate medicating.

Simple sausage and potatoes.

2009-10-19T20:39:00.005-04:00

Simple and tasty.

Simple sausage and potatoes
(My sister helped with this one, she suggested the addition of cumin and parsley.)

- 1 lb of hot or sweet italian sausage (turkey sausage works fine) cut into large bite-sized pieces
- 1.5 lbs small red potatoes (also cut into bite sized pieces)
- 2 red peppers (cut into thin strips)
- 1 large onion (cut into small wedges)
- drizzle of olive oil
- 1 tsp cumin
- handful of fresh chopped parsley
- salt and pepper to taste

1. Cut everything up as directed. Place the veggies and potatoes in a bowl as you go.

2. Dump veggies and potatoes into a cake pan, toss with olive oil, cumin, pepper, salt and parsley. Place sausage pieces on top.

3. Bake at 450 for 45 minutes, stirring about halfway through. (It is important that your potatoes are bite sized so they cook all the way through.)

4. Stir, serve, enjoy.

Chicken Noodle Soup

2009-10-14T09:12:00.005-04:00

Yeah, I know... it seems really basic. But a good chicken noodle soup is a necessity.

Really Yummy Chicken Noodle Soup
(This is one of my more time consuming ones. It takes at least an hour and a half and that's if you're really skilled at tearing apart super hot chicken. I'd figure more like 2 hours.)

- 4 lbs of chicken drumsticks and thighs (skin on, bone in)
- two 32 oz boxes of chicken broth (I had this on hand, but I didn't use it all)
- 3-4 carrots
- 3-4 stalks of celery
- 1 onion
- 12 oz bag of egg noodles
- salt and pepper to taste
- love

Ok, so what you're going to do is this:

1 - Boil the chicken in water for 1 hour and 15 minutes (or until it's cooked to an internal temperature of 165 degrees -- meat thermometers rock). Just add enough water to cover the chicken... and part way through the boiling process, I'd recommend checking the water level. Add a cup or two halfway through the process if needed. This will create some broth. Really good broth that will be a base for the store bought stuff in boxes. Oh yeah, KEEP THE POT COVERED. Also, boiled chicken smells kind of weird when it first starts cooking.

1a - While the chicken is cooking... chop up the carrots, celery and onion. I hate chopping onion, but it must be done.

2 - When the chicken is done, remove it with a slotted spoon. Place it on a plate to cool and skim all the chicken skin/pieces out of the broth left in the pot (there will not be a LOT of liquid left and that's ok -- that's why you bought those extra boxes of broth anyway).

3 - Add about two cups of water and the store bought broth -- bring to a boil. I eyeballed it. I knew I was going to be adding the veggies and noodles, so I added enough liquid to cover all that. I don't like my soup brothy, so if you LOVE broth... add both boxes of broth.

4 - Start pulling the skin off the chicken and discard it. Your hands are about to get real greasy and disgusting. It's worth it, I promise. Pull all the chicken off the bones. This chicken will be going back in the soup in a few minutes. (Try not to cuss too much... the chicken will be hot.) Discard the bones as well, or give them to a happy puppy if you feel the need.

5 - When the broth is boiling, add the chopped up veggies. Simmer the veggies for 15 minutes. After those 15 minutes, add the noodles and cook according to package directions. Add chicken just before serving. Sprinkle in salt and pepper to taste.

Monday night's dinner.

2009-10-07T08:53:00.002-04:00

Oh, yes. A food blog. Let me share this recipe with you because it's (1) easy and (2) quick.

Light and quick fettucine alfredo + marinated grilled chicken:

Light and quick fettucine alfredo
A slight variation of this recipe.

1 lb of linguine
1 1/2 cup of part skim ricotta
approximately 3/4 to 1 cup of fresh grated parmesan (I'm sure the store bought grated parmesan would work beautifully too.)
1 heaping tablespoon of dried basil
salt and pepper.

1) Cook the noodles according to package directions. Reserve one cup of pasta water and drain the noodles.
2) Combine ricotta, parmesan and pasta water. Mix in pasta and basil. Season with salt and pepper to taste. (I usually let the salt and pepper out, so every one can season to their personal preference.)
3) Have extra parmesan ready for serving. It tastes fabulous with extra cheese sprinkled on top.

Marinated grilled chicken

at least one chicken breast per person
Kraft light parmesan asiago balsamic vingarette
a grill

1) Marinate the chicken overnight in dressing.
2) Grill until cooked through.
3) Serve.

Adding this one to my arsenal forever. It was a breeze.

Click tourism.

2009-09-25T10:41:00.004-04:00

So, I was cliking through MSN's Natural Wonders picture story. In it, I saw the Bay of Fundy.

Now, I want to go.

It's near Nova Scotia and it's famous for it's dramatic high and low tides.

I mean, hello gorgeous!

Thrifty is hard sometimes.

2009-09-24T11:59:00.002-04:00

It's recently come to my attention that I might have lived a little too large for my meager little paycheck. (Oh thank you, nearly forgotten car payment, for snapping me back to reality.)

Most of my money spent was on food and clothing. Food being the "dining out" variety.

Well, that sucks... a lot. So I'm being forced to, somehow, live on the next two weeks with a spendable budget of less than $100. No restaurants, I guess. Hello to mooching leftovers and eating mayo+tuna sandwiches.

That said, I've realized that, outside of food, clothing purchases have come to make up a large portion of my spending. Not really a good thing. Since I already have a ton of clothes, I might put myself on a clothing freeze. I might get a chance this weekend to re-evaluate my closet and it's residents. I need to do this. I'm allowing myself to enter Gap between the 1st and 4th of October for a sale... but that's it. I need to cut back dramatically. Here is my plan:

1 - Reworking current belongings to make them work in my current wardrobe. Hopefully I can get creative with a few pieces and make something "new." We'll see how that goes.

2 - I'm sure I'll find things that I've forgotten I own. Free shopping is always a good thing.

3 - Consignments. I need to start shopping at second hand stores more often. I use to do this semi-regularly... but lately I've been all about pretty new things rather than new-to-me things -- New-to-me is almost always as good.

4 - Dine out less. (Or less expensively.) This weekend, I'm seeing "The Informant!" with my momma. We were going to eat out somewhere (Olive Garden would have been awesome) but now we're eating popcorn because I found a handy little coupon. We'll kill two birds with one stone this way. Of course, she wants to swing by Starbucks and be a pricey date, but that's no big thing because I still have a giftcard. Haha!

5 - Mooch a little off others. Yes, I stole left overs from my Meemaw last night. I blame the fact that Stephanie Plum (if you are female, you need to read Janet Evanovich's novels, ok?) gets leftovers from her mother all the time. Since I still live with my mother (and she rarely cooks), my Meemaw is next in line.

So... now I just have to make it to next Friday. Payday, you cannot come fast enough. I already have you partially spent.

My P365 has been updated a little bit.

2009-09-07T16:04:00.001-04:00

Myself
Originally uploaded by christina85

My flickr's been updated (http://www.flickr.com/photos/dirtythghts4).

I decided to go all B&W since I haven't in a while.
This photo of myself is my favorite.

2 recipes, 2 nights.

2009-08-27T21:03:00.002-04:00

Tuesday was Chicken Curry night, tonight was Garlicky Lemony Pasta (this is my official name for it). Both were pretty delicious. I figured, since I haven't updated much lately, I'd take this opportunity to share some recipes with you.

First, the chicken curry.

It takes me about an hour and 30 minutes to make. This is because of all the chopping. I am not super fast and I find that cutting raw chicken breast into cube-like structures is difficult. If you buy the chicken tenders, it's a bit easier.

Ingredients:

2 pounds skinless chicken breast
2-3 onions, chopped
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
3 cloves minced garlic
1/3 teaspoon ground ginger
1.5 teaspoon paprika
3.5-4.5 tablespoons curry powder (depending on how spicy you like it)
1/2 teaspoon white sugar
1 lemon, juiced
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper (more if you want more spice)
1.5 tablespoon tomato paste
1 pinch salt
1/4 cup olive oil
chicken broth (plus water, if needed) to cover
brown or white rice (instant is easiest)

Directions:

1. In a small bowl, combine cinnamon, ginger, paprika, curry powder, sugar and salt. Mince garlic and set aside.

2. Fry the onions in olive oil until browned. Add the spice mixture and garlic. Continue stirring for 2 minutes. Mixture will become much like a paste.

3. Add chicken pieces and tomato paste. Add enough water to just cover the chicken. Simmer until chicken is done, about 20 minutes. (Now is a good time to start the rice.)

4. Just before serving, add the lemon juice and the cayenne pepper. Simmer for 5 more minutes. Serve over rice.

Once you have everything cut up (and the spices mixed together), it really only takes about half an hour to make.

The Garlicky Lemony Pasta is as follows (and is super easy to make and very fresh/light tasting).

Ingredients:

about 2 teaspoons grated lemon zest (two lemons)
about 2 teaspoons grated orange zest (one orange)
4 cloves minced garlic
1/3 cup chopped parsley (I'm told spinach is good, I'm also sure basil would be fantastic)
1 1/2 teaspoons lemon juice (I just squeezed both lemons over the bowl)
a sprinkle of salt (I like to keep this minimal and allow each person to salt to taste)
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 cup olive oil
1 lb linguine

Directions:

1. In a small bowl, mix grated lemon and orange zests, garlic, parsley (or substitute), lemon juice, salt, pepper and oil.

2. Cook the linguine until done. Drain and toss with sauce.

Yes... it's that easy. It would be great as a side with chicken. I baked some tomatoes with some parmesan cheese, oregano and olive oil. Tonight was meatless.

In fact, I believe my entire day was... weird.

Back to the recipe. I might try making extra sauce one of these days and marinate some chicken in it... see what happens.

So tomorrow, I work late (until 6)... so this will probably be all the cooking I do for the week. And I have very little else to share.

I might be seeing Post Grad this weekend. There's also the company picnic. And reading. I plan on finishing "Fishbowl" at some point this weekend.

Ok, so... bye.

Dear Limited Readers...

2009-08-14T21:18:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I'm pretty sure I've mentioned Lush before. If I haven't, let me introduce you.

LUSH.

Soaps, shampoos, lotions and massage bars (etc.) made with natural (or safe synthetics) ingredients.

Anyway, I bought some awesome shampoo and soap when I was in DC (in Georgetown, if you're there and planning on shopping -- I also recommend Paper-Source).

When I got home, I got the itch for more Lush stuff, so in a moment of fiscal irresponsibility, I bought Mask of Magnaminty, Karma shampoo and got a free sample of Vanilla Delite lotion. (The shipping is a little outrageous, but face masques and lotions weigh a lot.)

When I opened the box, my Mask of Magnaminty was wet. I figured it was just a loose cap, so I dried the container off and sat it by the sink. I used it a few days later and I see a ring of wetness around the bottom. Again, I assume water got splashed up, so I dry it up.

A week later (approximately) I go to use it again and I see the same ring. When I open the product, it is noticeably drier (not TOO dry, I can still use it). Now I know it's leaking... so I contact Lush and tell them all this.

And what do they do?

...

They offer to send me another Mask of Magnamity!
Considering I have a big jar though (it's definitely usable once I transfer it to a better container) and the expiration date is approximately 3 months from now, I express interest in one of the samples they sent me.

So, they gave me the option. I can:
A) get another jar of Mask of Magnaminty, no charge.
B) get a refund of the purchase price put back on my credit card or
C) get a jar of Dark Angel (the sample I loved) + a refund of the difference in price to my credit card.

Well, hell. I chose C. That's awesome!

I loved Lush before... now I wish it was a man so I could marry it.

:)

No Matter What I Do, I Always Forget to Forget You.

2009-08-06T19:44:00.002-04:00

Link here.

Everytime I come here, I get writers block.

2009-08-03T19:18:00.002-04:00

So, not much has been going on. I'm still reading and trying to get back into the gym swing of things. It's hard, but I've got to try and keep myself healthy.

I've been working 6 days a week, so my creativity block has fallen by the wayside. It's cool though... I'll be heading back to my "home branch" next week. I'm actually a little sad about this, but what can I do, really?

It could be so much worse, so I won't complain too much.

My sister is away at the beach this week and it's really strange not having her around. It's giving my time to read though. Hah. It's hard to do that when someone else is demanding your attention.

Imissher.

I'm finishing up "Jennifer Johnson is Sick of Being Single." It's a pretty typical chick lit book... but some of it is hysterical. Overall, it's been a good read and I'm pretty sure I'd recommend it to a girl who's looking for a nice read. Boys -- well -- I don't think they'd enjoy it.

Next up? "Shopaholic Takes Manhattan." Then some romance novel Janet Evanovich wrote with someone else. The name of the game is silly reading. Nothing serious. I'll try and squeeze in a serious book after "High Five."

Um, yeah. Ok. That's my update. Sad, I know.

Some political/race-type rambles.

2009-07-23T17:59:00.003-04:00

So, there's this case from Massachusetts regarding a black professor who was arrested for breaking into his own home. A lot of people who've read the news coverage regarding this have strong opinions about it. (And there are A LOT of people talking about it.)

Even the president has thrown his two cents in, which is unfortunate, because he doesn't actually know what exactly went down either.

People who think racism is rampant are up in arms. People who think all is well between whites and minorities are up in arms. I've read and heard some people point out that there are two sides to every story (and then go on to, for all tentative purposes, choose a side) -- I'm going to put my neck out here and point something out.

When two people/entities present their "side of the story" it is rarely what actually occured. There is often much more to it than that single event and there is often much left out (or added) to make their case stronger.

From all media accounts (which is all I can trust, as I'm not in Massachusetts to judge), there is a mistrust between the minority community and the Cambridge police force. I'm not saying that this particular occurrence actually had anything to do with race, but the mistrust is there... and it has been there for some time and that is a problem. It's not something that is easily combated, but steps should be taken to do just that.

Saying that someone is simply "pulling the race card" simplifies it far too much. Perhaps his man has heard of some of the injustices done to others (or maybe he has experienced it in another form or fashion). Perhaps the arrested man did overreact. However, if someone was accusing you of breaking into your own house, wouldn't you be a bit incredulous too? Wouldn't you feel it's a bit extreme that someone is arresting you for walking into your own home?

And as a police officer, if you were called to a reported burglary, wouldn't you want to do everything in your power to prevent it?

The situation might have gotten out of control simply because of a misunderstanding, but those previous suspicions or beliefs amplified a problem and made it larger than necessary.

So, yes. There are two sides to every story... but both sides rarely tell the whole truth. Just keep that in mind before you call someone else stupid, racist or insensitive for their veiws.

Confessions of a Shopaholic.

2009-07-23T07:37:00.001-04:00

I have to say, this is one of the few times I thought the movie was better than the book and here's why:

While the movie is entirely unrealistic, (i.e. Everything's ok in the end and she snags the man) at least she has to sacrifice something to get there. In the movie, she gives up her wardrobe, even her green scarf. In the book, she gives up... nothing.

Though, I do like that Derek Smeath is not a slimy mean man who embarrasses her on TV. In that respect, the book is better.

Anyway... she doesn't give up ANYTHING in the book. She simply writes an actual piece of investigative journalism... and she IS a journalist... so she could have done that from the start. It just seems like she stumbled across a career lottery. The story ends with her ordering herself a treat. There was no moral of the story.

Yeah, so I'm slightly disappointed, but I still enjoyed Kinsella's writing style, so I'll read one of her books again. Maybe I won't be so disappointed if I'm not comparing it to a movie (which is completely different) the entire time.

I'm going back to Stephanie Plum now. Book 4 arrived in the mail Tuesday! I think I'll give "Jennifer Johnson Is Sick Of Being Single" a try after that. (Library-borrowing this one, because I've come to the conclusion that chick-lit is fun to read, but not worth an investment -- generally speaking.)

Do you guys have any suggestions? What book should I read? It doesn't have to be chick lit, in fact, I'd welcome a change in scenery. :)

Ok, ok. Work[out] in progress.

2009-07-21T18:38:00.003-04:00

Between adjusting to a full-time work schedule and finding time to read and create (not to mention plain old boredom), my workouts have taken a nosedive.

I used to hit the gym before or after work and run the elliptical for 30-60 minutes. This burned anywhere from 300 calories (on a light day) to 650 calories on a kiss-ass day. Then I'd also throw in some strength training. I managed to lose about 15 lbs.

Well, I've put about 5-ish of those pounds back on. I've gotten lazy, but I'm also loving italian subs and cake right now. Needless to say, this cannot continue unchecked.

So, last night, I forced the Y upon myself. The plan was 3 10-minute sessions of cardio with strength training in between. I started with the elliptical because I figured I was most familiar with it. I was bored, did my 10 minutes and got off. I did some inclined sit-ups and seated leg presses and moved onto the stairmaster/elliptical hybrid thingy -- did about 10 minutes on there.

I did a chest press, some tricep pulldown type things and worked my inner and outer thighs.

The stationary bikes were next. Let me tell you what... I had to do about 20 minutes on those to do as much as 10 minutes on the other machines. Unless you are a true-blue beginner, I'd say these are a waste of time. Probably good for warm-ups -- not at all good for actual cardio burn.

Anyway, the weird thing was, the higher sitting bike made my left knee ache. It still hurts a little. It was weird.

I'm going to go back to the elliptical tomorrow. I'll do 10 minutes there, then 10 minutes trying out the row machine and another 10 on the elliptical. Or maybe I'll do those last 10 on the stairmaster/elliptical thingy.

Anyway you slice it, I'm not doing the bike. No way.

But, god, I'm so bored with it.

Very short book reviews.

2009-07-20T19:56:00.000-04:00

... I finished two books! Go me!

I'm going to start Confessions of a Shopaholic tonight (or tomorrow, at work).

First book finished: "Gods Behaving Badly"

It was a good read. In all honesty, I probably know the Greek Gods and Goddesses better now than I did before the book. It was frivilous (but most of the ancient stories were frivolous too, in a way). I almost feel that this could be required reading for mythology classes because it does connect something that seems so old-school with modern life. It was silly and entertaining, but interesting as well. Not to mention, there was a lovely little love story thrown in there. We all know a love story never hurts anything.

Apollo is a little manslut. Aphrodite worked the phone-sex lines. Dionysus owned a nightclub and Hermes did everything no one else wanted to do. Oh, and Eros was a Christian. Things like that.

And they all lived in a decrepid, dirty building in London.

It's a great summer read. Light and breezy, I found it to be rather entertaining.

second book: "Girls of Riyadh"

I also liked this book. It was interesting to see how love (idealist and practical) was viewed from a non-American point of view. I'll say this much, love is complicated no matter where you go. It's a constant struggle between what makes your heart soar to the highest heights and what is the right, logical thing to do. I felt for most of the girls... I didn't really like Gamrah, but I could even feel a bit sorry for her. She seemed to be so helpless and it annoyed me at times, but I also know that I've felt hopeless too. So I couldn't hold it against her too much.

It was a good read for me, as a girl, because the narrator was very sure to make a point that she was not judging her friends. She felt they did nothing wrong. They were living the life every girl in Saudi Arabia struggled with (and really, girls everywhere struggle with the same basic problem when it comes down to it).

I wouldn't recommend the book to a dude, but I have already handed it to my mother. I think most girls/women can find something of worth -- some sort of wisdom -- in it.

a [lowercase] post.

2009-07-16T15:06:00.002-04:00

things to avoid :: thinking.

because my thinking has inevitably led me to ponder things that were said to me. things that were not meant, or were at least exaggerated. i'd rather people not say anything to me if they're going to change their mind/feelings a day/week/month later. wishy-washy pisses me off, it seems.

that i feel stupid for thinking about it at all, but what can you do?

in other news, i have the weekend off and i have every intention of staying in bed late and finishing "gods behaving badly" by marie phillips. i also have a book waiting for me at the library, so i'll pick that up too. i'm doing nothing by sleeping, eating, reading and maybe some artsy stuff. i am going to lock myself away.

friday night, i might be hitting up the melting pot with allison. that will be both expensive and fun. we love our dates.

2009-07-13T08:45:00.000-04:00

On Wednesday, I get off work at 2. I'm picking up my momma from work and we're gonna go to the PA state museum or whatever it's called. We needed something to do that doesn't cost money. It's only $3 to get in. I'll have to steer clear of the gift shop though. I know they have some cute things there.

Also, I'm in love with Joe Morrelli. Considering I am on a man haitus and he is a fictional character, I'm taking a break from the Stephanie Plum novels. Only a book or two break though. I've got "Gods Behaving Badly" to read and I put a book on hold from the local library. Then I'll go back to Stephanie (and Joe<3) for book 4 of the series.

I can't believe it's Monday already. I've decided to make baked ziti tonight. I'm going old school this week and making tuna noodle casserole, too. :) Not the ghetto version, the real way.

It amazes me how little I have to say lately. There's really not too much going on and I don't know whether I love this fact or hate it. Part of me wishes I had more to do, the other part thinks I'm nuts for thinking that because I'm constantly exhausted.

But life's too short! I want to do things... I just don't know what.

As for now, I have to balance my check book. I spent a bit of money this weekend. Mostly on good food, of course. That's how I roll. Forget designer clothes, I want bitchin' cheeseburgers and onion straws!

gasp Yay!

2009-07-10T15:54:00.003-04:00

So tomorrow's adventure is Thai food at Bangkok Wok.
Well, first, Allison and I are watching "The Proposal." (We even have popcorn money!) THEEEEEN we're getting Thai.

She's never had Thai.
And I need Pad Thai.
I think Alli started an addiction.

After food, I'm coming home and working on my painting/mixed media piece so that I have something to update A girl and happenstance with... I don't want it to go stagnant, after all.

A new blog... hopefully about my journey to becoming a creative being again.

2009-07-05T21:53:00.002-04:00

Check it here. I hope I don't neglect it. ;)

I had a [nightmare].

2009-07-04T06:01:00.002-04:00

You were here. Then you left.
You didn't even say goodbye.

I called.
Something about Amanda.

I cried. I said "You just left? Without saying goodbye?"
I cried.

I cried and you said "So, can't we just be friends?"
I gasped. I cried harder and I said "Fine, you want to know everything? I'm going to tell you everything."

Then I started to spill my soul all over my front yard. I yelled and cried into the phone.
I wanted you. To be with you. To hear your and touch you everyday.
I was just about to get to the soul-wrenching part.
I was going to tell you I love you.

I woke up.

Perhaps Freud would tell me I needed closure.
But my conscious mind wasn't quite ready for it.

Well, I'm going to do this myself.
It's obvious that the universe is [and has been] telling me what I need to do, now I just need to do it.

I wish I could turn this into a novel. Maybe I could become a best seller.
Perhaps since you're stealing my dream space, I could at least steal your dream.

The DC Trip

2009-06-29T20:03:00.002-04:00

Mothman
Originally uploaded by christina85

Ok, so I arrived in DC on Friday night. We decided to get beer. We hung out at the house & watched Fight Club since I had never seen it before. It was very weird... which was to be expected from a Palahnuik. We went to bed.

Well, I slept on the loveseat and I actually got a good night's sleep.

All the girls in the house are lovely.
Oh, and I was in love with the bathroom... maybe not the dirty shower curtain, but whatever. It wasn't disgusting, haha.

Anyway... Saturday we left the house around 11:30. I rode the Metro. This was quite an experience. I've never ridden a subway before -- The cars sway. I was not a huge fan and made a note of this for next time: bring dramamine.

We got off the metro and took a bus to shop in Georgetown. I spent way too much. It was fantastic. I spent approximately $20 on a few sheets of big paper at Paper-Source. (Hopefully I get a creative streak soon... on a day off so I can draw or paint on this. The paper is awesome and natural and it will be so much fun to work with.) I also bought a cute reusable bag that rolls up real small to fit in your purse. This will come in handy whenever I go shopping. No more plastic bags! Save the environment! GO GREEN!

Another highlight was this cute little used bookstore where I found an artist book on Egon Schiele.

OH, and if you're EVER in DC, you must must must find Raku and eat the Pad Thai. AMAZING. Seriously. I will eat there next time I visit.
There was also a yogurt place we stopped at... and I cannot remember what it was called for the life of me.

Let's see, what else happened? Oh, yes. LUSH!
I stumbled upon a Lush store in Georgetown. I said "Ohmygod, wehavetogoinhere." Both of us spent far too much on soapy products. It's so worth it though, my hair smelled delicious after I wiped Godiva all over it. I also love Karma and Sexy Peel something or other soap.

Anyway, until we were done shopping, most of the museums were closed, so we headed back to the house and we hung out again... went to a mall to grab some food and Noodles and Company (I love this place simply because they sell buttered noodles). Then we went back to the house and watched The Little Mermaid and discussed life in general.

I was up until 2 am. This is both unusual and awesome.

Sunday, I was awake at 6:45. The sun was beating in the window at me. It was lovely, but it was way too early. I couldn't fall back asleep, so I watched some news until someone else woke up. We went to get brunch with a few other people and I paid $18 for an omelet. It was a good omelet, but I'm pretty sure this purchase was the only shocker.

After being raped for an omelet, we hit up the Hirshhorn. I love modern art. Jasper Johns, Alberto Giacometti, Robert Rauschenberg, Alexander Calder, Sol Lewitt, Willem de Kooning, so many others. Oh, it was a mindgasm. I loved the fact that you can see imperfections in the actual artist pieces. It makes me feel better that it wasn't perfect... it only looks perfect in a textbook because they have to shrink it down.

The Hirshorn was fantastic.

I didn't take many photos while I was in DC. When I was at the Hirshhorn, I turned the camera on and all of the sudden my batteries were low. Besides, most of what I looked at was inside and there were museum workers everywhere! I didn't really feel like being chastised for taking photos. I wasn't sure of the policy.

After the Hirshhorn, we hit up Eastern Market. I found some cool little glass slides for my photographer of a father, but I think I appreciated them more than he did. Anyway, I kind of thought that make they'd make good coasters too. Useful art. By the time we got back to the house, it was time for me to hit the road.
It was a fantastic weekend. SO much fun and just what I needed.

This whole trip reminded me that life is only as fun, exciting and fulfilling as you make it.
Not a bad lesson learned for a two day trip. :)

PS: There were so many people everywhere! I felt so small town. No one makes eye contact or really interacts with anyone spontaneously. It was strange for me, as a small town girl, to be walking down a street and not smiling and greeting everyone I passed.

(click here for more p365 photos)

Goodbye funk, hello adventure!

2009-06-24T07:45:00.003-04:00

I'm going to drive myself to D.C. this weekend.

Why, might you ask, would I do something silly like that?
Because I should.
Because I have a weekend!
(Weekends don't happen in my world. Not often. )
Because I've been in an inescapable funk for the past, er, month and I needed to snap myself out of it.
Because a lovely girl (from here on out will be referred to as LG) who lives there sent me photos of the paper at Georgetown's Paper-Source.
Oh, and because LG rocks and has also offered me a roof to sleep under. :)

So far the only two planned things are a trip to Paper-Source, where I will inevitably fall in love and want to live/work there. I will also charge WAY too much paper to my credit card, I'm sure.

Eastern Market (I believe is the name) is a flea market there. LG hasn't gone yet and it looks pretty fun, if you ask me.

Also, I'll be on the lookout for used book stores. I'll be spending too much there too.

I'm excited. A little scared out of my mind for the drive, but other than that, I think it's going to be a good weekend. I need this. :)

Interior design inspiration.

2009-06-21T10:10:00.002-04:00

Anyone who wants inspiration for sprucing up their home... check this out.

Wow.

2009-06-18T20:37:00.003-04:00

I'm pretty sure I used to have things to write about...

Right now I'm just crossing my fingers for July and hoping to figure out a way to move out in November-ish.

Life is kind of boring right now.
July could really perk things up for a few days.

I wish I had something to write about... I really do.
I'm not going to ramble on though... I'll just leave you with a link to elsewhere.
Much better writing than what's happening here at the moment.

My brain wants something visually and intellectually stimulating.

2009-06-06T21:57:00.003-04:00

I requested some information from Mansfield regarding their [online] Art History degree. There's no way I can do the on campus school thing anymore because the real world beckons and it requires me to grow up and take on more responsibilities. This is why I think the internet is so freaking wonderful. Theoretically speaking, I should be able to transfer 67 of my 100-something credits to Mansfield. I would need to take 30 credits of Art History classes (so, about 10 classes). Sadly, one class with tuition and fees will cost over $700. I'd also need to take a few more gen. ed. classes/minor classes to bring me up to the 120 credits required to get a bachelor's from the university.

I'm thinking about applying though and starting with one class. I don't know what the workload would be like and I don't want to overburden myself. Really, I'm not in a huge rush to get this done, although I would probably be able to get financial aid a bit easier if I were taking more than one class. I'm sure they're not going to give me money for 3 credits.

Being a woman doesn't seem to get me very far in the applications for grants and all.

Anyway, it's probably an endless quest for me. I don't like feeling stagnant or like I don't have any goals to meet. I don't like feeling like my brain isn't absorbing new and stimulating conversation and information. There's also the fact that I miss analyzing and writing about pieces of art. The history, the philosophy of the artist, how their lives/faith/culture affected their art... or even how their art affected their culture. It's all so interesting! I miss writing papers! That almost sounds like crazy talk.

My eyelids are heavy again... already.

2009-06-02T05:45:00.002-04:00

I should probably call the school today to tell them about the damn letter I got (stating I didn't pay my Occupational taxes). I need to remember to print off the proof that I did, in fact pay the taxes and the check was cashed/deposited.

... I'm still angry.

Yesterday I felt particularly violent. There was some asshole driver on my way home. I drove 5 miles over the speed limit because there were cops EVERYWHERE and that's about as much as you can get away with. Well, this IDIOT rode my ass the entire time he was behind me. Then he passed me and rode the ass of a school van for another couple miles. When the van finally had enough of it... it slowed down so it could pull off the side of the road and let him pass. What does the asshole do? He lays on his horn. GOD, I HATE PEOPLE. So I sped up and I made sure that as he was slowing down to turn, I was on HIS ass. I would have laid on my horn but (1) I don't want to die in a fit of road rage and (2) my horn is high pitched and silly sounding. It would have sounded totally funny... a high pitch "Eeeeeeeeeeeeep."

I'm going to have to sit down and discuss potential vacation plans with her.

... I just saw there is a show called "Dance Your Ass Off" on Oxygen. Oh dear god, that is stupid.

I didn't know it was supposed to rain today, and that's what I woke up to. There's more on the way. Yesterday, I could have sworn, it said today was supposed to be partly cloudy. All week, in fact. I don't know why that matters. It doesn't. I'm just tired and I wish I wasn't awake right now.

In fact, I have no idea why I did wake up this early... I showered last night. There is no need for me to be conscious yet.

I can count the people I find easy to love on one hand.

2009-05-27T19:04:00.003-04:00

There are few people I can love in an unconditional manner, in a "no matter what they are or who they do" sort of way.

A sure sign that you're on that list?

1- A comment about my overabundance of mucus makes me smile. Haha.
Oh, Eric. I love and miss you. Haha.

2 - I turn Gilmore Girls on for you before you step in the door.
Allison, I lucked out when sisterhood was thrust upon me. :)

3 - When you have a bad day and I have a bad day, we walk around town aimlessly each immersed in our own complaints and listening to the others.
Megan. Oh dear, as special as you are... you rock.

Of course, I love my parents unconditionally too.
In fact, anyone that I love, I love unconditionally... but most don't make it easy.

I'm just sayin'.
I like that these people make it easy. ;)

From elsewhere: Regarding my disappointment in the CA courts.

2009-05-27T16:12:00.003-04:00

You see... this really is about equality for all human beings.

Not too long ago, a white man couldn't marry a non-white woman (or vice-versa).
The judicial system had to step in and take a stand... they should have done the same today.

In my mind, there is no difference between civil rights based on race and civil rights based on sexual orientation.
To deny a person [consenting adult] the right to marry the one they love [another consenting adult] is unfair.

Legally speaking, there are no reasons for marriage to be defined as anything other than an agreement between two consenting adults.

Married couples have a "next-of-kin" status in the hospitals. They can file taxes jointly. They can receive Social Security payments when one spouse dies. They have bereavement time if their spouse dies. Same sex couples cannot have these same rights.

You can state a personal belief against it based on your faith, but [and this is something that makes America great and interesting] not everyone in this country shares your faith, that's why there's a separation of church affairs and state affairs.

Emotionally speaking, I am a believer in love.
And if you're lucky enough to be able to find a love, a companionship, that fulfills you and makes you stronger and happier... you should be able to live that love regardless of your sexuality.

If marrying makes a couple feel more complete and more secure... who would I be to deny that to them?

Now, some additional thoughts from comments left "elsewhere":

I'm glad it was mentioned that marriage is a religious ceremony. I have a great idea, why not make all marriages legally equivalent to civil unions? That way it's not a one stop shop for a variety of rights.

As is stands now, when two people are legally married (because it's become a legal institution, not strictly a religious one) they will automatically inherit anything a spouse leaves behind upon death (unless there is a will that specifically states what goes where). Civil unions do not supply that.

... If a spouse gets laid up in the hospital and cannot make medical decisions for themselves, their spouse gets that right automatically. Civil unions also do not afford that same right.

... Sharing health insurance is not guaranteed to a couple bound by civil union.

... Social security payments for deceased spouses go to the living spouse, as a way to help provide for the one left behind. That's not so with civil unions. Etc.

Justice is, by definition, just. Fair, balanced and blind. Allowing a committed gay couple the same rights as a committed straight couple does not step on anyone's legal toes. What, in the daily life of a straight couple, would change if a gay couples marries? Nothing. Nothing at all. There are no biological reasons that homosexuals should not marry (because people will argue that marriage is regulated for good reasons... because you cannot marry a cousin).

And I do believe that the gay community HAS been fighting for some time for equality. Their fight is finally gaining a bit of ground, but their fight is not new. It's not happening overnight. What is so heartbreaking is that they finally had a victory in California and it was taken away from them by the "will of the people." Not because it was dangerous or unfair or anything like that. It was taken away because people feel (in their personal and usually religious views) that homosexuality is wrong... because a majority of people feel weird that two people of the same gender kiss and have sex and live a slightly different lifestyle. (I mean, who does the "woman work" and who does the "man jobs" in a homosexual household, right?)

So I'm allowed to be disappointed in the courts. They didn't defend the people that can't shout as loudly, they didn't stand up for their rights.

Also, I liked Kzinti's (humorous, but brilliant) idea:

"Marriage ought to be very straight forward, cut and dried. Like driver's licenses. If you had to stand in line like at the DMV, there'd be less divorce and if you had to renew your license every so many years, that would remove all these divorce cases from court. Don't like the situation? Let the license lapse. Everything is split as agreed to when you signed the license, like a prenuptial agreement.
Everything is decided fairly up front, including who gets the kids, what child support will be, if any, etc. Sign on the dotted line please..."

P365: "Sun Rainbow"

2009-05-20T20:57:00.002-04:00

Today was a good day... just because.

I had lunch with Allison and Justin. I bought a gift that needed to be bought. I got sunburned (my left arm FAR more than my right).

A good day off.

Now... Sunday is going to be the day I get shit done. I need to purge my belongings. I have too much stuff laying around.

P365: "Three"

2009-05-07T20:26:00.002-04:00

Three
Originally uploaded by christina85

One of my favorites so far.
Simplicity makes me smile.

And now for the boring stuff called "life," an update of sorts.

I'm working full-time. I know, right?
I guess I'm [finally] becoming a grown-up or something like it.
Weird.

Anyway, my new goal is (1) getting my own place ASAP (because it's about time!) and (2) paying down my not-so-big-but-too-big-for-me debt.

A list of things I will need for when I get out of this place and into my own?
- A bigger bed (and therefore, bedsheets)
- A couch.
- A fabulously beat up coffee table.
- Fabulously beat up bookshelves. (These things need to be beat up so I can have my way with them, creatively.)
- Internet.
- Frames and photos. (Because I'm going to need color in my life.)
- A mirror.
- Silverware, glasses and plates. (Bowls too, I suppose.)

In other words, I should probably still plan on selling my soul to the highest bidder because all of that costs money that I don't have yet. Haha.

From elsewhere: A list.

2009-04-29T19:45:00.002-04:00

Someone [elsewhere] had mentioned that a friend who kept dating losers made a list of things she wants in a mate.

Here's my list.

1 - Honesty (You see, this covers a lot of bases. Lying, cheating, stealing. All those things are a lack of honesty. I need an honest man, preferably to a fault. I'd rather get pissed off and get over it than have some lie to me... ever.)

2 - Loyalty (Goes along with honesty. However, you can be honest and still be an asshole. I don't want someone who's going to break up with me instantly because they want to bang their coworker. I need a normal level of "Oh, no... I have a girlfriend and she's cool. I should try to get over this infatuation" kind of thinking.)

3 - Confidence

4 - Humility (#3 and 4 go together in my mind. I want a man who is confident, but not cocky. Just as I am not perfect, he will not be perfect either. If something about my behavior bothers him, I would want him to bring it to my attention. A certain level of criticism is expected because you want your other half to be the best they can be. So, I need him to be confident in his own skin, but also open to suggestions when problems arise.)

5 - Backbone (I need someone who can stand up for himself and for me, if the situation arises. I have a tendency to give in a lot and I want someone to counterbalance that.)

6 - Empathy (I need someone who can remove himself from a difficult situation and see it from the other person's shoes. I am very empathetic and can often see why people do some of the things they do.)

7 - Respect (No explanation is necessary here. Respect my thoughts and beliefs.)

8 - Adoration (Because if you don't adore the person, why are you even there?)

9 - BE AVAILABLE. (I'm not strictly talking marital/dating status. A lot of the men I've met are not available. They pretend to want a relationship, but they really don't. They might talk one minute of love and the next minute they're talking about how they want to sleep with more women before the settle down. Or they simply want a fuck buddy (or buddies). Or they're [still] getting over an ex. Or they don't know where they're going. Or they refuse to say the L-word first or actually fall in love. Or they fall in love with any vagina-wearing creature. Or they think men aren't supposed to have emotions. Etc.)

10 - Passion (I need a man who is as passionate about loving me as I am about loving him. I tend to be a very passionate person sometimes. I would rather have a shouting match and settle things, rather than let things get stagnant and slowly poison a relationship. Passion is a part of that. I don't want to "settle down." I want to constantly be doing new things together. I want a physical connection as well as an emotional and intellectual one. I want to be angry sometimes. I want to be blissful at others. When two people come together, it shouldn't be bland, you should be excited to be together... even if it's just to wash the dishes or cuddle in front of a TV screen.)

So, none of my wants/needs are dumb, outlandish or silly.
All are very reasonable.

One of the things I don't like people pointing out is my supposed naivete. 'Cause I'm not naive.
I started dating late because I was pickier before. That doesn't mean I didn't develop meaningful relationships with men. I know what I want and most did not have half the qualities I've listed here. Most were assholes. Pretentious ones. The ones that weren't? I was friends with them. They usually didn't see me in a romantic light because I was one of them.

Even though I wasn't dating, I was still observing and making decisions for future reference. My standards were too high then, I know this now. Like I said, I'm not naive. I know no one is perfect and I have loved some VERY imperfect people in my time. I loved them all very fully because when I love, I never half-ass it.

So, anyone think this list is too high? Too naive? Like I'm shooting for something unattainable?
'Cause I challenge you to a duel.

I do not build up expectations of perfection.
I hate perfection.
It's so ugly and boring.

I am secretly very disappointed that I could not talk to you.

2009-04-28T22:13:00.002-04:00

Because you are here.
You seemed to be a good one.
A settled one. One who could love.

Rooted. Grounded. Practical.
Did I mention you're here.

Your smile could melt the largest glacier immediately... but it froze my mouth and mind.
I was thrilled when I could control my shaking. Heh.
Even more thrilled when I managed to smile back.

I'm probably your type, you know.
You seem to be the kind that stays in some weekends just to chill out.
Or you probably busy yourself with constructive hobbies and pastimes.

No partying. No hooking up with random girls. (At least I don't think.)

Wholesome. That's how someone else described you.
I thought so too.

I would have liked wholesome for a change.

[untitled]

2009-04-27T22:04:00.003-04:00

I've been waiting to breathe, but won't allow myself too.
Contradictions. Stubborness. It's all so damaging.

(Or maybe protective. I can't quite figure it out.)

Either way, today's sucky horoscope might have been accurate. Oh well.

I've been trying this whole "one photo a day" thing.

2009-04-25T18:28:00.002-04:00

Green Three
Originally uploaded by christina85

This is one of my results.

My P365 (short for Project 365, of course) can be seen here (link) if you're ever bored enough.

Vimeo video.

2009-04-24T21:24:00.001-04:00

Auto Tuning:
http://vimeo.com/3718294

On a less awesome/funny note:
My emotions, according to my horoscope, are supposed to be balanced and level today.
The horoscope lied.

I read some words that made me cry.

2009-04-23T15:17:00.004-04:00

When I read things like that, I think of you. Automatically.
I can't stop it because I wanted to whisper in your ear... "It's your turn now. Show me you feel the same."

I was happy when you kissed me... when your hands found the small of my back.
No one else has ever felt so right.
Chills traveled up my back. I was completely yours. You were mine. I felt vulnerable and safe and excited and calm and like I belonged there. That moment was meant to be ours. I'll never forget.

I wanted to wrap myself around you. I wanted to protect you. I wanted to be protected. I never wanted that one moment to stop.

Now, I can be unreasonably mad at you and with a few words, I smile for you.

It will always be that way.
I will smile at you, always, even if it's through tears.

Really, it's true.

2009-04-21T18:25:00.002-04:00

A quote:

"The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead." - Marilyn Monroe

You can tell a lot about a man by the way he kisses you.

Quick, dirty and quick to jump to a more naked conclusion?
Or soft, increasingly passionate and building to the point of absolute abandon.

Absolute abandon is always the hottest option.
Who really wants mere nakedness, after all?

I want to feel passionate sometimes...

2009-04-20T19:19:00.002-04:00

... but reality gets in the way.
Stupid facts. They need to jump off a high cliff.

I don't think an aggressive workout was what I really needed tonight.
I think I just need to sleep.

PS: An "I Wrote This for You."

2009-04-13T20:40:00.002-04:00

(Found here.)

I'd like to find someone who thinks of me as they read that.

Currently browsing...

2009-04-11T08:52:00.000-04:00

60 Places to Get Design Inspiration

Some of the links are dead ends, but I love business card design.
I have no idea why, ok? I just like the simplicity of such a small piece of work.
Identity projects were always fun.

Anyway, there's a link for that.
I'm geeking out a little.

This goes for you.

2009-04-05T21:42:00.000-04:00

I loved every part of you.
The pretty and the ugly.

And I always will.

It's painful and beautiful.
I cry and smile at the same time.

Emphasis on the smile.
Wiping away a tear.

Head Clutter. (from elsewhere)

2009-04-03T08:38:00.000-04:00

Listen, I'm upset about particulars. I'm also tired as death of caring... But I also can't help but care. Such is the life of a 20something girl who's still learning about herself.

Of course, this learning process never ends, so I should get used to being tired.

I love. I hate. I'm passionate and apathetic. I'm not crazy, I'm lovely. Someone will eventually wake up next to me passionately in love. I'll look at them and breathe them in.

They'll kiss me on my collarbone, near my heart, and I'll skip a beat for them. A tiny death and a resurrection.

Don't mind me, I ramble on. I don't know what I'm talking about but I know it means everything.

They'll save me from myself and I will save them. We will live for ourselves and our love. We'll be everything and imperfect. Maybe we'll make babies and they'll grow into someone who shares our ideals or maybe they'll be completely different. They'll have tiny tragedies and big ones and love and hate and be imperfect too. They'll be beautiful though. Absolutely.

But I am the one that doesn't know anything. Silly girl, right? Just looking for frivolity and nonchalant relations. Who needs meaning when you can have easy? So many times I haven't been "worth the trouble."

Well, guess what, I am. I am.

All I could ever give you, all I can ever give, is all of me. My love, healing, acceptance and soul. That is enough. That is me. I am worth the trouble.

I am worth a risk. A fight. A potential heartache.

And I'm tired or hanging on to the edge of the cliff. I might let go. So go ahead and step on my fingers.

Goodnight.

I made something pretties!

2009-04-01T19:24:00.003-04:00

Tada!
Nude.
Mixed Media.
(charcoal, pastel, tissue paper, tissues, acrylic, book pages on the mating habits of Kodiak bears)

Today.

2009-03-31T22:11:00.001-04:00

I got my back adjusted.
Then I couldn't balance in my low/high lunge.

Now that I'm back in alignment, balancing is harder.
I guess that's what happens when your body adapts.

I'm exhausted. I think I'm going to pass out now.

I don't think you understand.

2009-03-30T15:50:00.001-04:00

You obviously don't want me as much as I want you.
So stop pretending, please.

Sobered Alcohol

2009-03-28T23:10:00.001-04:00

It's funny how my mind is quickly sobered by the addition of alcohol.
Everything seems so obvious now... without logic clouding my vision.

Accidental confessions that were already known.
Colors that tried to flow out of my fingertips.

Artistic muses turned into an artistic muse.

I smile as the music just... matches up with my heartbeat.

("Accidental Babies" by Damien Rice)

Well, I held you like a lover, happy hands -- your elbow in the appropriate place. And we ignored our others, happy plans -- that delicate look upon your face. Our bodies moved and hardened hurting parts of your garden with no room for a pardon in a place where no one knows what we have done.

(This is disjointed because I have become a lightweight, officially.
The equivalent of two shots of SoCo should not make you introspectively tipsy. It did do its job in making me sleepy though.)

It's been a while since I've posted here.

2009-03-08T21:43:00.002-04:00

FAIL, right?

Well, lately I've been plagued by a silly crush.
I've also been plagued by thoughts of a reoccurring kind.
A previous "crush" I suppose you'd call it.

I used the quotes because... well, I considered more than a crush on my end.

I feel like I'm working non-stop. (Although I'm not, otherwise I could and would live all on my own. That would be fantastic and awesome.)
I've been cooking more.

Turkey enchiladas are being made tomorrow.
Shrimp scampi on Tuesday.
Baked Ziti on Wednesday (but I'm putting it together tomorrow).

Oh, and I NEED to clean tomorrow. My room has been taken over by clutter and disgustingness. It is absolutely terrible.

I want to paint on Tuesday. I really do.
And sometimes this week, I have to put the FAFSA together for my sister.

That's what I've been up to. Nothing new or exciting or dangerous.
Same old stuff.
Different month.

Angry rant: CEOs and greed.

2009-02-11T07:27:00.001-05:00

NY Times article.

Lets start at the top, shall we?

Private school. Not a necessity. There are a lot of good public schools out there. Perhaps it would be good for your children to be surrounded by a diverse population of kids anyway.

I went to a public school. I turned out alright. So, there's a way to cut $32,000 out of your overinflated budget.

Mortgage/Co-op maintenance fees. I'll give you that one, but I'll also give you this. For the cost of the mortgage alone ($96,000), I could buy an entire house here where I live. If I wanted a nice upgrade, it would probably pay for at least HALF of the house. So... move somewhere cheaper.

Nanny fee. Most likely, your wives don't work. So, I suggest making them be mothers. My mom raised me and worked full-time. So, if your wives *do* happen to work... I suggest a daycare. There are some really great ones (just like the public schools), so you could easily cut that bill, at least a little. I understand that daycare is also fairly expensive... but like I suggested above. Exposing your children to a diverse population of kids will only make them more rounded and likable.

Now, the thing that is most irritating.

Barbara Corcoran, a real estate executive, said that most well-to-do families take at least two vacations a year, a winter trip to the sun and a spring trip to the ski slopes.
Total minimum cost: $16,000.
A modest three-bedroom apartment, she said, which was purchased for $1.5 million, not the top of the market at all, carries a monthly mortgage of about $8,000 and a co-op maintenance fee of $8,000 a month. Total cost: $192,000. A summer house in Southampton that cost $4 million, again not the top of the market, carries annual mortgage payments of $240,000.

Really? They need this salary because they, um, take vacations? Ok. So I suggest this. Don't go. Or go somewhere different. My family, if we are lucky, takes one vacation (as in traveling away from home) a year. We usually end up at Ocean City, MD. It's always a ton of fun. We don't go skiing. If we would, however, it would probably be to Ski Roundtop. Not exactly Colorado, but hey... it's snow and it's skis. Vacations are what you make them, you should be able to have fun regarless of where you are.

So, don't BUY a vacation home. Rent a beach house for a week. Go mingle with people. I have absolutely no sympathy here because my last vacation cost me approximately $500 and I still managed to have fun and make memories.

More suggestions?

Drive yourself.

Don't hire a personal trainer (just buy a gym membership, the local Ys tend to be affordable). You can take one or two PT sessions and then work out on your own. I work out on my own. It's fulfilling.

Don't buy $15,000 dresses. I bought a fantastic red dress recently for $20. I look just as good in it as I would look in a $15,000 dress. (Besides, I clicked on the link in the article (something about a social diary) and none of those dresses look like they're worth that amount of money. I'm just saying. I could dress myself better than that for much less.)

I'll concede on the tutoring, if you feel it's necessary. Education is important.

Eat out less (just like the rest of America tries to do). Buy store brand rather than name brand foods where you can. You don't need summer camps, or spas, or fancy salon treatments. You don't need god-awful fancy drinks (the ones at Starbucks can easily satisfy a sweet-tooth, for half the price).

What I'm trying to say is... stop whining and start living.
It turns out that living costs less than this ritual you feel you "need."

Get over yourselves.

I can't believe this article was supposed to invoke sympathy.
My parents are up to their necks in debt. They also only make approximately $50,000 a year. Combined.
If they made twice that, they'd be estatic. They'd be fine and they'd be a lot less stressed.

Give them $500,000 and they wouldn't know what to do with themselves. In fact... they'd probably not know what to do with all that extra money.

Maybe they'd donate to charity.
Maybe we'd take an extra vacation.

But I can tell you this, we'd appreciate that a lot more than you apparently do.

Words that want to die with me.

2009-02-02T20:34:00.002-05:00

"Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so." (David Grayson)

I've learned. I say so now.
But pride and vulnerability will not allow me to say it to you.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes I cry because the words will not come out.
Other times, I'm relieved they don't.
Most of the time, I'm upset.

I should have just said it.
It likely would have changed nothing.
But at least you would have known.

Maybe you already do.

{I hope you do. It's ok if you didn't love me back.}

I can't sleep...

2009-01-31T04:50:00.002-05:00

... so I'll share a random tidbit with you.

Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" is like a vitamin.
I hear it at least once a day and it gives me a daily dose of smiles.

Yesterday, though, it stalked me.
I heard the whole song twice and as I left supper, a car outside opened it's doors and it was playing.

I used to think when I heard that song I was supposed to remember and smile.
Now I know the radio just plays it too damn much.

But... I still love it.
And it still makes me remember and smile.

So much for signs from the universe.

It seems that...

2009-01-20T18:49:00.005-05:00

... no one in this godforsaken town I live in knows about:

1) The definition of socialism (i.e. Obama's not a socialist, I know enough to know this)
If you really want to talk socialism though, you may take a look at the definition: "An economic system in which the basic means of production are primarily owned and controlled collectively, usually by government under some system of central planning." Hmmm, I don't know about you, but those bank bailouts are probably closer to socialism than any other government aid. (Oh, also, it's still not socialism. It won't be. Really, this argument is lame.)

Unless, of course, you want to give your money away to corporate America so they can pad their pockets more. That's fine... but then I don't want to hear you complain about the next thing you know nothing about.

Moving on...

2) History. "Handouts", aka: Welfare, has been around since the 1880s in some parts of the world. Anyone who thinks "handouts" are wrong -- I hope they lose their job and are denied aid. Then they can lose their house, a way to feed themselves and sleep on the cold streets. Also, I hope they contract the bubonic plague, because they'll have a hell of a time getting medical treatment. Enough said.

3) Respect. Calling one another dumb "townies" and "whores" makes you look stupid, ignorant and immature. Go back to Kindergarten and learn some manners and social skills. Otherwise you will die alone and miserable with no friends. When you act as immature as the person arguing with you... well, you look just as stupid as they do. Also, sending out racist text messages is not respectful. (I'm one of those dumb "townies," but even I know that racism is ridiculous. I'm not intimidated by someone's skin color, therefore I'm not racist.)

4) Humility. Be humble. You are not King or Queen Shit. In the words of Ben Folds, "There is ALWAYS someone cooler than you." Usually those people are the ones who you think are "below" you.

5) Being open. Change happens. Politically speaking, before today, it happened 8 years ago and another 8 years before that.

Also, I have a feeling that racism is at the root of some of the rants I'm reading (not all, but some -- for example, racist text messages which I mentioned above).

Ok, so... let's approach this. He's got darker skin. This is because of the different combination of pigments in his skin. Most people are darker skinned than me. I'm ok with that. It's just a matter of genetics and/or sun exposure. No one can do anything about their skin color.

You can do something about your intellect though.

What I'm trying to say is GROW UP and get over yourselves.
No one likes a little whining idiot.
No one likes an ignorant prick either.

More of this country likes this latest presidential pick than they liked the last one.
And everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves. I mean, haven't all you had a chance to prove yourselves? Aren't you continuing to get the opportunity?

Yes. Everyday. We Americans are quite spoiled by the fact that we get the opportunity to prove ourselves each day. I only hope that with this latest change, more people get the opportunity to get a job (because currently, it's next to impossible (this is where "handouts" are a good thing, so that people don't starve or commit suicide)), get an affordable education, make a life and be happy.

This is the end of my angry rant.

Complexity.

2009-01-18T23:28:00.003-05:00

Why does it feels so hard to verbalize three words.
Seemingly insignificant words.

And why am I finding it so difficult to type them tonight.

Reposting. And things.

2009-01-18T11:10:00.003-05:00

My sister missed a phone call from Brandon last night. She was sad because he was sad. I was sad because I know the emptiness that those seemingly little things can cause.

Because in reality, they aren't little things.

Anyway, it made me start thinking and then I read back a few days on I Wrote This For You. I found this.

You know how in "Yes Man"...

2009-01-14T21:34:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I haven't seen the movie... or read the book... but the premise is kind of interesting. Having to say "Yes" to any proposition that comes your way. Perhaps I should apply that idea** to my life and see where it leads me.

I've turned down a few opportunities because I am afraid I cannot do them. But really, so WHAT if I fail a little at something. SO WHAT if I'm not the best? If I don't try, I'll never, ever know... right?

Interesting thought.

Also, I want a vacation. I want to get away. I want to forget responsibilities for a little while. I need to be rejuvenated.

Do those two thoughts seem... counterproductive?

** Within reason. Nothing too stupid or illegal.

I haven't written here for a while.

2009-01-01T16:34:00.003-05:00

I apologize.
I finished school. I think I already wrote about that.
And lately I've just been drifting through life.
Experiencing laughter and tears and lots of frustration but some happiness too.

I've been worrying and fretting a lot.
I need to cut back on that. A nice soft place to land would be a good start.

I'm frustrated because I trust people and sometimes I wonder if I should.
I'm frustrated because plans never work and I'm bored right now.
I'm frustrated because I hope what I worry about is not something to worry about.

And I'm tired.

But it's a new year and I'm hoping 2009 is a more inspiring and fantastic year than 2008 (which had it's good month or two).

Have I spoken too boldly or not enough?

2008-12-26T21:02:00.001-05:00

I wonder, if I shout how I feel from a mountain top, would it reach you?
Would it travel along the valleys & ridges to whisper in your ear?

No, I'm not fooling myself.

2008-12-22T19:20:00.003-05:00

I know I'm not fooling myself because sometimes the obvious truth hurts.
I just can't help wishing it was different.

Other than that little bit of self loathing I just did there, I'm super happy.
Work's still good.
Twizzlers rock.
Starbucks Vanilla Doubleshots are love.

Although I don't like having my phone calls seemingly ignored.
But that's a whole other issue.

I love 60 degree weather with rain.

2008-12-15T21:07:00.002-05:00

It's so lovely. My mother and I went for a walk and it started raining and we got drenched.

My favorite thing ever is walking in the rain. I love love love it. The feeling of the drops against my skin. I just adore it. I don't care if that makes me crazy. It makes me happy.

My mother and I discussed men and how none of them that come into my life seem to make any sense.

I told her I need to buy that movie, "Someone Like You" because the part where Ashley Judd's character explains that if her theory on men is not correct, then men do not leave all women, they leave her.

Then she starts crying. And then I start crying too.

Anyway, I told her about that. Loudly. I ranted.

She pointed out that she doesn't understand any of these men who have popped into my life. She pointed out that I am always there for them and we always seem to have undeniable chemistry. Also, I'm always willing to go the distance (sometimes literally) for them.

And I don't regret any of that. It's my nature... but it would be nice to have that sort of thing returned. Someone who will bend backwards and go the distance for me. Someone who will understand and listen to me when I'm ranting and raving and pissed off.

Someone who is unafraid of the ugly side of life but also appreciates the beauty.

NEW TOPIC:
I want to buy felt so I can make a cute bag.
I miss her :-(
I want her to come home so we can be together all Christmas break because I love her.

Next Christmas, I do hereby swear to make 90% of my gifts.

I want to learn to make a quilt.
I will make cookies.
I will create some process to make fun prints and art pieces.

I will start creating things now so I don't run out of time.
Besides, I have all this fantastic free time on my hands now.
Maybe I'll have time to seriously consider creating an Etsy shop!

Ooooooh.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them. (Mother Theresa)

2008-12-07T19:19:00.005-05:00

I want something bigger than myself.
I also want Conor Oberst's latest CD.

Hello Christmas forces.

I decorated the tree with Allison today.
That was cool.

The Cowboys must be screwing up... everyone is cheering in my living room.
Yep... They're probably gonna lose this one to the Steelers.
This is probably why I don't watch football with the family. They're kind of annoying. (By kind of I mean REALLY. I cannot hear myself think and they are in an entirely different room.)

Anyway... Finals are tweaking me out. I hope to be done with all but one exam and my painting final by tomorrow night.

This means I have to take two finals tomorrow after I get off of work.
Squee?

It's almost done. That's the good news.

I'm itchy.
It's only 7:30.

It's soon over.

2008-12-01T19:35:00.002-05:00

Here.

There are a few people in life that I miss.
Lately, I miss them all a lot.

But on with my post...

The semester is almost over.
I have survived a 15 credit course load while working part-time.
I have to admit though, I do not feel that I learned much.
I've kind of BS'ed my way through the classes sometimes. (Most times.)
The fact that I could do so with such "ease" makes me feel that I must be intelligent, but the fact that I BS'ed so much has made me feel a bit terrible about myself.

You see, I take learning very seriously. I like coming out smarter than when I went in. Or at least more informed. Sadly, I don't feel that way about 5/5ths of my classes. I just didn't have the time or energy to devote my attention fully to any of them. I guess it was just too much.

I'm one of those people who like to fully submerse myself in a subject when I'm learning about it. I'm very one tracked with the strange ability to multi-task. It's a strange combination.

Anyway, I am taking an indefinite break from classes (and I will never go to school full-time again in my life).

In this time off, I would like to:
- read the stacks of books that I own but have not read.
- work on painting how *I* want to paint.
- take more photographs.
- sleep.
- learn everything I can about art history (particularly modern art) and share some of that knowledge with you (my very few readers).

Ah, December 12th is the day of liberation.

Secret?

2008-11-29T07:18:00.003-05:00

I would love nothing more than to melt into you again.
And again.
And again.

It's Saturday today.
I think I get to watch movies.
I hope I get to run to Bath and Body Works (gotta get my Meemaw a Christmas present).
But first, I get to work.

PS: Starbucks drinks and how you can do some good. Order (Starbucks)red drinks!

Call me.

2008-11-27T20:14:00.004-05:00

I would like to think that one day you will look back and wonder as you smile.
"What if?"

When you do this, call me.
I'll let you in on the fact that I knew it was more than lust from the start.

If.

2008-11-27T10:44:00.002-05:00

If you had looked like all the rest.
If you had thought like all the rest.
If you had been like all the rest.

I wouldn't be stuck on repeat.
I never would have cared.

Happy turkey day.

Introspection on the drive home.

2008-11-26T18:47:00.000-05:00

Something that I could do without regarding the holidays is this thing it does to my head.
You know, it forces me to re-examine where I am in life, what I want and where I feel I want to go.

Usually, I try to lie to myself... convince myself that I am happy and just fine.
Blah blah.

The truth is, everyone around me is paired.
It forces me to recognize that I want that too.

Of course, this is not new.
But I'm not talking about a date... or something frivolous.

I really want that kind of "I would gladly dive into the unknown with you" kind of love.
The kind that makes you courageous.
You know the type -- where you're willing to go the distance just to hold their hand as they fall asleep.

Where one smile is enough to turn a rotten day around.

It's just so frustrating because it's impossible to find it here.
I don't really have a life that makes me mingle with available men.
Even at school, most were taken, stupid, gay or heinously ugly. (Or a combination of the three.)

Also, my area marries young. Most people my age are either in a very committed relationship, engaged or married. Some even have a house and children.

I don't need that.

I mean, I'd like to get married. But more importantly, I want someone who is going to be around through the thick and thin of life. I don't run away when things get scary or weird. I need that kind of loyalty and respect from someone else.

And I don't need a ring to know that I have that. I'll know simply through their sticking around when I have the flu or staying up all night with me when I cannot sleep because there's a terrible tragedy in my life or sticking around to talk it out when we have a huge fight. It's emotional security. I want it so bad.

I think I'm at a point where I can do this for someone else. I already do it for my friends... I am only more fiercely loyal to a significant other. (I think it's my Scorpio coming out of me or my Ox-like nature, according to Chinese astrology.)

I wish you wrote that for me.

2008-11-26T09:07:00.002-05:00

I haven't written here in a few days. I assure you, I am still alive and kicking.

I'm frustrated and crazy, but still kicking.
I simply have very little to say.

The big little bit.

2008-11-18T16:19:00.003-05:00

I don't know what to say.
Ever.

I don't know if it's because I hold my thoughts inside.
Or if it's just because my life is dull.

Maybe it's a bit of both.

Sharing my thoughts is too scary though sometimes.
And other times I feel like you should already know.

Maybe you do.

There's really not much I keep inside.
It's just a big little bit.
And I try to avoid it.

The Universe makes it hard.
Everything reminds me of you. [Isn't that a lousy cliche.]
It's always the same thing that bubbles inside me.
A crazy mix of love, lust, passion, fear, loss, mourning and hope.
It makes my heart twist.

It's why I hope for love.
It's why I fear I understand the "Better to have loved and lost..." quote.
It's why I feel hopeless sometimes... because I cannot, no matter how hard I try, keep my feet firmly in the reality of what is.

I don't want to.
I want it all.
But I want it all with you, most days. [I lie. Everyday. I want it everyday.]

I suppose this is a case where what you want and what you need are different.
But they feel the same.

Clouds.

2008-11-13T08:33:00.002-05:00

Love, please laugh.
And smile (for real). <3

On a different note.

2008-11-09T10:40:00.002-05:00

I need to do a final project for my painting class.
I need to dig down and do some artistic therapy.

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse.
I need to purge.
I need to be ok.

I will be ok.
Please don't take my posting from a few minutes ago as an "I give up."
It's really more of an "I'm so facking frustrated."
I throw my hands up because I know why I'm frustrated.

I'm not so naive.
I'm not so stupid.
I think far too much to be ignorant of my own thoughts.

I just don't think I can type them all out here.
I don't have an outlet.
So, I will make my art my outlet.
And then I will post that.

It will strip me emotionally raw.
And I think it's ok that way.

I don't know what to write about.

2008-11-09T09:57:00.003-05:00

The only thing in my life that makes me feel ok right now is my job and the people I work with.

Right now, I feel drained.
I know I'm lucky. Sometimes I don't feel that way though.

I have to remind myself.
Because a lot of people do not have the support and love I have from a select few of my friends and my family.
My family really is fantastic, even though they do drive me up a wall sometimes.

Today, I just feel... lonely and frustrated with that loneliness.
And I am terribly bored. And terribly pessimistic with the thought of relationships.
I, honestly, am starting to feel that I'll never be married.
I don't even feel optimistic about finding someone who will be with me, in a secure commitment kind of way.

I don't need to be married... I just don't want to go through life without that kind of love. The possibility worries and depresses me.

It's frustrating because those who do not want to make any commitments seem to have so many options of who to be with that night.
And I go to bed alone.

Sometimes I don't know.

2008-11-06T08:36:00.003-05:00

There are a few people who I'm sure have or had a reason for popping up in my life.
Then there are some that I'm not sure why I know them.

But I feel there must be a reason.

I mean, surely a universe would not thrust someone/something upon me just to see me squirm. There must be reason. Otherwise I have to change from "agnostic" to "atheist" and I'm just not ready for that.

That opens up a door of pointless relationships and lost causes.
I think sometimes I'd rather fool myself into believing that everyone and everything has purpose.

I guess the inquisition continues.
I'll just try to love everyone I know to the best of my ability.

That's all the universe can ask of me right now.
And I'm running low on that currently.

I need to recharge.

The morning after.

2008-11-05T07:45:00.002-05:00

I'm sure some of the people reading this may feel like they slept with the ugly duckling at the bar and have many regrets this morning. I, personally, am not one of those.

I am ecstatic that Obama won. And idealist, intellectual, optimistic man has won the presidency.
Now, I just hope he makes real changes, like he's promised.

But, for those who may feel the political hangover.
Or feel the need to move out of the country* (which if you're looking for a "less liberal" country that isn't repressed, let me know where you find it)...

Here's a reminder.
The United States cannot pass budgets or tax plans or new programs through the president alone. Congress needs to approve. There are checks and balances.

Not to mention, I feel that Obama is open minded enough that he will listen to people who challenge him and take their thoughts into consideration. He appears, to me, that he genuinely wants to bring people together.

He's not a socialist. He has an idealist core. He wants to help those who need help. He feels that sharing is part of the American ideal. (Personally, I feel the same way. Sometimes we need to help those around us to maintain our own well being.)

That being said, the system itself needs a bit of an overhaul to get it back to a point where only those who need the help are getting it. We should not reward laziness. That should never be the point of "handouts." That's a whole different political posting, however.

Here's to the hope that this can, at least, change some of the ugliness that surfaced during the election regarding "funny names" and race. Here's to a more open minded nation and one that is open to healthy dialogue.

Here's to actually changing minds and giving a voice to those who felt they had none.
Let's try to make America awesome again.

PS: I will go back to my pointless rambling later today, I promise.

* I was only going to leave the country if Palin became president. If McCain had won and stayed healthy and alive, I would have remained in the country.

Happy Birthday to me.

2008-11-01T22:46:00.002-04:00

So, my birthday was ok.
Worked from 8 to 5.
Had supper with my mom.

Insert a pissy part here.

And now I am super ok again.
Because I am trying to think positively and independently.
Trying. Key word. Heh.

My nose is running.

2008-10-31T06:36:00.002-04:00

So I guess I better catch it.

I am so tired this morning.
Getting to bed at 11 and then waking up 6 hours later is not something I like to do.
I need 8 hours to function properly.

I'm wearing pantyhose.
Because I need to change into a dress for this evening and I need to do it quickly.
It gets rid of my fat rolls quite nicely.

It is godawful uncomfortable... and I dread having to pee.

I need to put my face on.
Well, first I need to wipe my nose... then I'll do the face thing.

My life is so dull right now.
God.

Tsunami.

2008-10-28T21:20:00.003-04:00

I'm sleepy.
I'm an addict.

So now, I'm going to read.
My eyes are already tired though.

Oh, I'm getting glasses.
I'm near-sighted and I have astigmatism.
And I'll look smarter come November 6th or so.

;-)

Embracing. Embracing. Bracing.

2008-10-26T17:30:00.003-04:00

I feel completely uncreative lately.
I feel this way because I have nothing to energize me.

I mean, life is ok. I love my job. I have some decent friends and I know I'm not 'alone.'
But I'm very single.

I don't even have options that can distract me from that fact right now.
I. Am. Single.

This has put a huge rubber stopper on my creative test tube and my Bunsen burner is out of gas.
I'm bored. Bad things happen when I get bored. Usually I end up making stupid emotional choices.

Ones that are so obvious after the fact, you know?

Anyway. I should just be ok with my singleness... but I kind of loathe it most days.
IT guy needs to come back and make me giddy for a few days.

I guess I'll look good tomorrow, just for the hell of it.

10.25.08

2008-10-25T07:25:00.001-04:00

Christian right steps up attacks on Obama - Barack Obama News- msnbc.com

This is why I am agnostic.

Just for the record, I love Jesus...
I just don't think he'd hate gays, women who have made the difficult decision to abort or Barack Obama. I base this judgment on my gut instinct and the fact that Jesus didn't hate sinners.

Only greedy, holier-than-thou people were on the receiving end of his wrath.
Think about it.

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I wasn't thinking about work or babysitting.

2008-10-24T08:08:00.003-04:00

As I drove home last night, I'm pretty sure my heart was beating a mantra.
"I want to go back. I want to go back."
I said, "I know you do."
And I turned up the radio to drown it out.

-----------------------------------------

WebCT's server is down... of course.
I wanted to take an exam this morning.

-----------------------------------------

I think I'm going to take football pictures tonight.
I'm not sure where though.

Yesterday.

2008-10-22T11:32:00.002-04:00

As I paid my speeding ticket, all I could think of was... I need a cigarette.

Mind you, I'm not a smoker.
I've smoked a few in my life only during very stressful times.
(My self-destructive period, if you will.)

For some reason, yesterday, the urge was very strong.
(But, no, I did not stop and buy some.)

I drank a beer yesterday two hours after taking Tylenol.
I was afraid I did irreversible damage to my liver.
But my liver doesn't hurt, so I think I'm ok.

Someone want to throw a conflict at me for my NaNoWriMo?
I was going to base it on my own life until I realized my life is very boring.

I have to shower now and start highlighting Myer-Briggs information.

An idea for some NaNoWriMo characters.

2008-10-21T13:35:00.004-04:00

Sophia:

And the lies? It was so easy to lie to him. I told him so many times I loved him, just to ignore him in his times of need, when he was longing for me. He’d never let anyone know his pain. He was a sufferer. Sometime I think he took pride in that.

He was beautiful though, I’ll give him that, and quite a lay. That was the only time where his obsessive drive to please me was not a turn off. Perhaps that’s why I left him hanging on so long. I’ll probably continue to interfere in his life for a while too. There’s something about the carnal way he pleases me – the way he wants to taste every square inch of me – I know that’s what keeps him coming back.

If only he could do it and not be in love with me.
It's so annoying.

10.21.08

character sketchiness

c.e.z.

I don't get to talk to you anymore.

2008-10-19T21:07:00.002-04:00

Today was not as awesome as I hoped for. I recieved my first speeding ticket.

Also, currently, I am in a mood. One of those where I'm laying in my bed and I realize just how alone I will be when I get my own place. (But I still want to have my own place.)

I'm cold. I'm lonely. This too shall pass, but it's how I feel.
Some days it just bothers me more than other days.
That's all.

I wish I could just fall asleep, but my mind won't let me.
(Which is especially detrimental on theses lonely feeling nights.)

I have to work tomorrow.
I should call the district justice person guy as well.

I get my nails done tomorrow after work too.
I feel fiscally irresponsible right now.

10.19.08

2008-10-19T07:03:00.003-04:00

I read some "I wrote this for you" posts.
They almost always make me think of the same person.
Especially the ones full of longing and the word "miss" because I do that a lot.

No matter how many times I write the words "a lot" I always write "alot" first and that is wrong.

I am up way too early today. I have to take an education exam.
Last night I summarized 3 articles for my Environmental class.
I wanted to do more. Perhaps I will get a chance Tuesday and Wednesday to actually get shit done.
Those are my first two days off from work.

While I will miss the extra cash, I am glad to have a day or two off because I feel like I am eyeball deep in schoolwork debt.

I'm going to give myself an hour to truly wake up and catch up on my newsy stuff before I take this exam. Afterwards, I might go for breakfast with my sister and give J a ring. Perhaps I will introduce myself to paintball today.

If he answers his phone, that is.

This afternoon, I have a date with a three year old and her mommy.
Then I'm going to try to talk my dad into driving to an AT&T store with me to... buy my iPhone (or at least a new phone).

I'm still kind of back and forth about whether I really NEED to be able to access the internet on my phone. It's extra money, after all. And I am poor and hoping that the position at the bank might open up to being full time.

Right now, all I want (after this semester is over) is to work full time, have some benefits and perhaps be able to afford my own place. I would love to have my own space where I can come and go as I please.

Not that I can't here... but if I bring someone home, well... that's awkward some times.

I leave you with this:

Super Oversized Sweatshirt, FTW.

2008-10-18T21:39:00.001-04:00

God, I do love the cold weather than autumn brings. :-)

And McCain likes to talk about Obama's so-called dishonesty?

2008-10-13T20:54:00.001-04:00

Ben Smith's Blog: Acorn pushes back, hugs McCain - Politico.com

Heh.
Awesome.

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Oh, btw... Life doesn't actually suck right now.

2008-10-13T19:47:00.005-04:00

I do apologize for all the negativity in my posts lately. I'm actually not miserable.
I'm actually further from misery than I have been in quite some time.

The good points:

Work:
I complain about it here and there, but I do love my job right now.
It's so much better than my summer job had been.
Thank you GOD! I'm not in a cubicle.

I just hope to never be robbed, ok.

The ladies I work with are fantastic. The office manager dude is awesome. Down to earth, awkward and funny. I love the people I work with. It's fantastic, what more can you ask for... other than a raise?

So, work is good. This is part of the reason I actually feel ok about life.
Can I just mention again that I am so happy I did NOT take the graphic design internship back in May? Sometimes you just have to trust your gut.

Anyway... Tomorrow, we open our office. We're thinking it might be a slow day, since everyone has seen people working on the outside of the building all last week. No one thinks we could possibly ACTUALLY open tomorrow. (But we are because we rock.)

I'm the only single gal in the office too. So all the ladies want to help me out in finding a man, haha.

School:
Well, this is not so much of a bright spot, but I am surviving, thus far.
It is a source of my insanity and oil paint is not my thing. In fact, I suck. I'm not sure that I'll ever not suck.
However, I do like watercolor, so -- yay.

Too bad I'm kind of stuck using oil, for the most stuff.

J:
Yeah, I know. It's weird. He has been fantastic. (I'm over using that word.)
Sometimes it's worth being awesomely patient and getting to know someone.

He's made me laugh so many times in the past month. We've had political arguments (we are on opposite ends of the McCain/Obama spectrum and he think Palin is "hot" *shudder*) and dumb discussions about sex. We've also addressed religion, spirituality, art and current events. We went hiking and had fun.

Basically, we are kind of awesome right now. I'm enjoying it, I think he is too.
I hope his is too.

So, all in all -- Life is good.

Sorry I've been so negative sounding lately. I've honestly been relatively happy. I've been using my posts as a way to vent my stress and I've ignored the happy parts of my life and there have been many. <3

This morning I feel sad.

2008-10-13T07:11:00.002-04:00

I mean, at least it's not desperate.
I wish I could dream of something that would leave me waking up happy.

I have to work today.
I have a job at a bank and I have to work on Columbus Day.
Tomorrow, we open. Opening day. I hope I don't suck at life tomorrow.

Tonight I should probably paint. Or maybe I can on Wednesday.
I just don't know how hours are really going to go this week.

This is the most boring post ever.
I'm sorry.

Haha.

It's 9 o'clock on a .... Sunday?

2008-10-12T21:01:00.001-04:00

Compassion fatigue - Wikipedia

Um, is it possible for me to have compassion fatigue simply from life.
Because sometimes I fear I just simply do not have the energy to care.

Of course, I always manage to summon up more.
I've never actually not cared.

That would be an interesting and refreshing change of pace, perhaps.

Anyway, I was interested to run across a possible diagnosis for my stress/stomachaches.

I'm tired.
It's only 9 pm.
And I work tomorrow at 8:30.

I want to buy my iPhone soon.
Does anyone know how much extra my data package is going to cost?
I thought I read $30.

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Things.

2008-10-12T10:21:00.003-04:00

Because all I can do is this. It's what I've always done, but I'm getting very tired of it.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Unrelated to above screen shot: This article is upsetting to me. Even though I know that racists are becoming less common, the fact that a formerly well respected politician (because I do not respect him so much right now) would stoop to these levels and allow his campaign to stoop even lower is ridiculous.

Also unrelated: I am seriously a little freaked that I cannot seem to think of a single thing to write for NaNoWriMo. I'm thinking I could loosely base it on my own life... but really, I'm not sure my life is interesting... it's just stupid.

Also unrelated: Kamikazes, the drinks, are delicious.

Because it's all anyone ever asks of me... to be a friend.

2008-10-12T00:42:00.004-04:00

I kind of don't believe this one.
Well, not tonight anyway.
"Love is magic, but magic is sometimes an illusion." (I forget who said that off the top of my head.)

(I'm waiting for someone to grow a pair.)

Oh, I don't know how I'm going to make time for this.

2008-10-08T22:24:00.002-04:00

Also, I have no idea what I'm going to write about.

However. I'm going to try. I will probably fail, but... Ah well.

October 6, 2008 @ 9:14 PM EST

2008-10-06T21:14:00.003-04:00

I think McCain-Palin are turning the campaign into a gossip column rather than a serious discussion of political issues.

Because bullies do that sort of thing when they are scared.
Because bullies are actually intellectually weak.

Politics tire me, can I just vote already?

2008-10-05T11:07:00.003-04:00

Apparently the Republican party, more specifically Palin and McCain, are trying to tie Obama to Bill Ayers and to the bombings that Ayers is linked to that occurred... in the 70s.

Did that sentence make sense? Anyway, yeah.
Obama was a child when the bombing happened.

I believe I talked about this before.
Anyway, Barack Obama and Bill Ayers met in the 90s.
They worked together on a non-profit educational organization's board.
This organization dispersed funds to Chicago area schools.

They also served together on a board of an anti-poverty organization.

Oh, and Obama has publicly denounced any bombings that occurred in the 70s by the group Ayers was associated with.

Personally, I feel it's pathetic that McCain-Palin feels it is necessary to criticize Obama's work with legitimate, non-profit organizations.

I thought about you all day.

2008-10-03T23:44:00.003-04:00

I probably shouldn't have.

My brain doesn't listen to reason.
This "a softer world" comic -- still how I feel.

Jason Mraz was stalking me today.
His music played everywhere.

I'm so glad that Ghost Hunters exists.

2008-10-01T21:17:00.001-04:00

So awesome. I love it.
Because for this hour... I can be sucked in by the existence of ghosts and think of nothing else.

Heaven.

The random musings of a girl

Pad Frai

26 in 52: Problems already.

Garden Eggs and Baconbuttercheese Potatoes.

Time is so hard to come by these days.

PS:

Long and rambling, but possibly worth your time? Maybe not, but you won't know until you read it.

What I've been up to lately.

It's times like this that I am happy to be single.

Simple sausage and potatoes.

Chicken Noodle Soup

Monday night's dinner.

Click tourism.

Thrifty is hard sometimes.

My P365 has been updated a little bit.

2 recipes, 2 nights.

Dear Limited Readers...

No Matter What I Do, I Always Forget to Forget You.

Everytime I come here, I get writers block.

Some political/race-type rambles.

Confessions of a Shopaholic.

Ok, ok. Work[out] in progress.

Very short book reviews.

a [lowercase] post.

*gasp* Yay!

A new blog... hopefully about my journey to becoming a creative being again.

I had a [nightmare].

The DC Trip

Goodbye funk, hello adventure!

Interior design inspiration.

Wow.

My brain wants something visually and intellectually stimulating.

My eyelids are heavy again... already.

I can count the people I find easy to love on one hand.

From elsewhere: Regarding my disappointment in the CA courts.

P365: "Sun Rainbow"

P365: "Three"

From elsewhere: A list.

I am secretly very disappointed that I could not talk to you.

[untitled]

I've been trying this whole "one photo a day" thing.

Vimeo video.

I read some words that made me cry.

Really, it's true.

I want to feel passionate sometimes...

PS: An "I Wrote This for You."

Currently browsing...

This goes for you.

Head Clutter. (from elsewhere)

I made something pretties!

Today.

I don't think you understand.

Sobered Alcohol

It's been a while since I've posted here.

Angry rant: CEOs and greed.

Words that want to die with me.

I can't sleep...

It seems that...

Complexity.

Reposting. And things.

You know how in "Yes Man"...

I haven't written here for a while.

Have I spoken too boldly or not enough?

No, I'm not fooling myself.

I love 60 degree weather with rain.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them. (Mother Theresa)

It's soon over.

Secret?

Call me.

If.

Introspection on the drive home.

I wish you wrote that for me.

The big little bit.

Clouds.

On a different note.

I don't know what to write about.

Sometimes I don't know.

The morning after.

Happy Birthday to me.

My nose is running.

gasp Yay!